


But for Grace

by LdyAnne



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Episode Related, Episode: s02e14 Grace Under Pressure, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 23:35:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 61,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LdyAnne/pseuds/LdyAnne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind.  It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through season 3

Flying a jumper through water was completely different than flying one through a planet's atmosphere or in space. The water rushing past pushed the jumper in strange and different ways, currents and eddies kept tugging at it trying to pull it off course or send it spiraling out of control. It required all of Colonel John Sheppard's concentration to keep them flying in the right direction. Dr. Radek Zelenka sat in the other chair, the co-pilot's chair, where McKay should be, watching their power levels like a hawk, softly fussing as they didn't rise fast enough to suit him.

"Wow, that's a lot of water," Rodney's voice behind him didn't surprise Sheppard at all.

Rodney had struggled too long to keep himself going to simply sit in the back of the jumper and allow himself to be rescued. No, it wasn't McKay's way to just sit down once he was safe, he had to come up front and make sure his rescue was completed in a grand fashion.

Rodney clutched at the pilot's chair just to stay upright and John could feel the determination coming off of him in waves, he might be listing to the side, but he was standing.

"You know I need to decompress, don't you?" Rodney asked, a worried frown creasing his forehead. He bent over to peer at the controls, reaching forward to punch at something and overbalancing, nearly falling into John's lap.

"McKay," John caught his arm and held him steady until Rodney regained his balance. His face was white and his lips were nearly blue. John could feel the shivers through the wet material of his clothes. "I know about decompression," he said gently, "I've adjusted the pressure in here to compensate accordingly."

"Really?" Rodney stared at him as if John had just announced he had solved one of the Millennium Math prize problems.

"Really," John said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "I've been diving once or twice in my life. I know about dive tables and decompression sickness." When he was certain that Rodney was steady again, he reluctantly let go of his arm and turned his attention back to the jumper. Surreptitiously John nudged the dial that controlled the temperature in the jumper, sending it up a couple of degrees. He and Zelenka might be a little warm, but Rodney needed the heat.

"Now, go sit down before you fall on your face. I didn't come all this way to rescue you from the bottom of the ocean only to have you kill yourself in the jumper."

It worried him that Rodney didn't argue, although he didn't do what John requested either. He shuffled over to stand behind Zelenka, squinting to read the screen over Radek's shoulder.

"How much longer, Doc?" John asked, squashing the urge to tell Rodney to sit down. Again.

"We are there, Colonel, we are above safe distance to release the shield," Radek announced triumphantly as he began pushing buttons, releasing the shield that had been keeping them safe from the pressure of the water. "And none too soon, we were nearly out of power."

"Nearly?" John asked, brow rising. While they were safe from being squashed like a bug from the ocean's pressure they were still a long way from Atlantis and still had a 1,000 feet of ocean to traverse.

"Do not worry, Colonel," Zelenka hurried to reassure him, "now that is not all being used by shield, we have plenty of power to get home."

"Good." John breathed a sigh of relief, careful not to let either of his passengers see how worried he was. It was his job to be the strong one, the sure one, the one that got them out of problems without any fear of failure. Doom and gloom was McKay's job.

Speaking of, Rodney was still standing, but now he was hanging on to Zelenka's chair, squinting down at the screen.

"You used the cloak to make a shield?" he asked, again leaning in dangerously far.

"Yes, it was Colonel's idea, actually..." Radek enthused, warming to his subject.

John interrupted before they could get too wound up, "Hey, Dr. Z, now that we don't have to worry about running out of power and all of us dying horribly, why don't you take McKay to the back and make him lay down before he falls down? I don't want his blood all over the jumper, I just had it detailed," John tried for snark, but it came out lame even to his own ears.

Rodney didn't pick up the jibe, he just let Zelenka steer him to the back of the jumper and, again, that bothered. McKay could snipe while tied up and gagged. An obedient, compliant Rodney was just wrong in so many ways. John listened as Zelenka softly fussed at McKay. He wished he could be in the back, but he had to fly (Would you fly a ship that was submerged under water? Wouldn't it be steered or maybe navigated?) the jumper and get them home as quickly as possible. McKay needed the doc.

The water flowed steadily past the windows of the jumper. Now that he could take the opportunity to really look, the vista that was revealed was breathtakingly beautiful. One that, under other circumstances, John would love to take the opportunity to explore. But at the moment all he could see was the water that was still above them, the water that separated them from Atlantis and the infirmary.

So, now they'd proved that the puddle jumpers could be used for underwater exploration. He and Rodney had theorized for a long time that they could, but Elizabeth always vetoed them when they wanted to test their theory. The puddle jumpers were too valuable a resource to lose one if their theory was wrong. Well, this time the little ship had come through. He ran an appreciative hand over the console in front of him.

John kept the jumper rising steadily toward the surface while Dr. Z worked with McKay in the back, getting him settled, tending to his injuries. Now that the shield was gone, John could feel the jumper as it surged through the water. He could feel the little ship's hum of power, its pull as it spoke to him, whispering back to him. He'd never told anyone about it – that sometimes he thought he could hear Atlantis whispering to him. He was afraid Carson would strap him down and make a test subject out of him. Or Rodney would.

He chafed at the restrictions he had to place on the jumper now, knowing that if they rose too quickly they risked overtaxing systems pushed to their maximum capacity. It would do no one any good if they all three died trying to rescue Rodney.

The other problem was, they'd all been down too deep in the ocean to rise too quickly back to the surface. If they did that, they'd all have the bends and Beckett would have three patients instead of just Rodney. And McKay certainly didn't need decompression sickness on top of hypothermia, a concussion and whatever other injuries he'd suffered in the crash of the puddle jumper. They could use the puddle jumper as a hyperbaric chamber, raising the pressure slowly so they wouldn't succumb to the bends, but Rodney needed Beckett and the infirmary now.

Then there was the matter of Griffin. John had seen the guilt in Rodney's eyes when he told them about Griffin. John felt a flash of gratitude for what the man had done to save Rodney. It was a sacrifice that every one of his men was prepared to make. Atlantis was going to live or die because of Rodney McKay and his geeks.

What Rodney didn't know was that Griffin had asked for the assignment. He enjoyed winding Rodney up as much as any of them did. Poor Rodney, the entire base had his number now. They respected him deeply, but none of them were above pulling his chain upon occasion. Griffin had been looking forward to the flight, looking forward to 'Rodney-baiting.'

Now Griffin was dead and Rodney was seriously injured in what was supposed to be a shakedown flight, a little time to settle after one too many life and death missions. When had their lives taken that turn into the twilight zone where a shakedown flight turned into a fight for survival?

Oh, yeah, when they stepped through the gate into the Pegasus Galaxy.

John could hear Zelenka as he did his best, relaying information to Beckett and following his instructions with the supplies they had brought with them. The doctor had included a pretty comprehensive assortment and Zelenka quickly had Rodney comfortable with a change of clothes and warm blankets draped over him. But still John could hear the mumbling from the passenger compartment as Rodney became more and more confused and impatient.

Listening to Rodney's incoherent ramblings, John wished like hell they had brought the doctor along. He pounded the panel in front of him in frustration. Why hadn't they just brought Carson with them? Back on Atlantis it had sounded like a good idea to not risk all of their most important personnel in a somewhat dangerous rescue, but now it just seemed like a waste of time, valuable time, that Rodney might not have. Beckett should have been back there in the passenger area with Rodney instead of Zelenka.

"Where's Sam?" John heard Rodney ask Radek. His tone was whiny and querulous – patented Dr. Rodney McKay.

"What?" Radek mumbled as he tried to calm his recalcitrant patient. "Is no Sam here, Rodney. Just Colonel Sheppard and Radek, who risk death under water to come rescue you."

"Yes, she was there with me, in the jumper," Rodney insisted stubbornly. "She said you would come get me."

She?

And suddenly John knew who Rodney was talking about – Colonel Samantha Carter of the SGC. The freaking love of Rodney's life, to hear him talk about it. John had never actually met her in his brief tenure at the Antarctic ancient base or at the SGC before they'd left for the Pegasus Galaxy, but he'd seen her walking through the halls with Rodney once. They had been arguing. Loudly. Not exactly John Sheppard's idea of love, but Rodney's life view was very skewed. It was part of his charm.

Zelenka played along trying to keep Rodney quiet and calm. "And she was right, we are here. Now we are taking you home."

"But why'd you leave Sam behind? She's going to drown back there."

John could hear Zelenka as he tried to assure Rodney that Sam was fine, that Sam could take care of herself. It seemed to work for a few minutes; Rodney would settle for a bit and then start the whole cycle again.

When they finally broke the surface of the water, John set the controls on automatic and moved to the rear to lend Radek a hand. Rodney was pushing at his cocoon of blankets, attempting to rise.

John knelt down next to him, pulling the covers back up, "You need to rest," he said.

Eyeing his friend critically John saw that Rodney was pale and still shaking. The cut on his forehead was oozing around the edges, the blood puddling on his neck.

"We're going to get you home so the doc can take care of you," John made his voice as confident as he could.

Rodney's gaze roamed the jumper in confusion. He was searching for someone neither of his companions could see. "She was just here," he stammered through chattering teeth. "She was helping me."

"I'm sure she was, buddy, now you lay back down." John pushed gently on Rodney's shoulder, urging him to lie back.

Rodney pushed the covers away impatiently. "She told me you'd come, but I didn't believe her," Rodney confessed. He caught John's wrist with a shaking hand. His blue eyes were shining up at them earnestly. "I'm sorry my conscious brain wouldn't believe you'd be able to rescue me."

"You always say Carter never knows what she is talking about," Radek said, attempting to tuck the blankets back under Rodney's chin. "Why should you listen to her this time?"

"Wha?" Rodney's eyes fluttered closed and his head tilted in an alarming fashion. He loosened his grip on John's wrist and his hand fell to the blanket, lifeless.

Both John and Zelenka jumped.

"McKay, talk to me, buddy," John entreated. He gently shook the shoulder his hand was still resting on. He could feel the shivers wracking his friend's body.

"You must not sleep," Zelenka nearly screeched, "you must stay awake."

Rodney rallied, struggling to force his eyes open and get them focused, "Sorry, what happened? What's the emergency?"

"You must tell us what happened to the jumper, Rodney," Zelenka said, his eyes intent upon Rodney's. "You must tell us, so we can make sure it does not happen to this one."

John felt a stir of awe for the Czech scientist for his stroke of brilliance. Rodney could no more leave a puzzle unsolved than he could help berating the people under him. It was part of the way he was wired. He would follow the thread to its conclusion or they'd all die of boredom. Either way, hopefully it would keep him awake and aware for a little while longer.

It certainly worked, maybe not the way Zelenka was hoping, Rodney's eyes opened wide, "You tried to kill me." He pinned Radek with an accusing glare. "You were too afraid to go yourself because you knew the jumper wasn't ready yet."

John tried to run interference for the other man, "Now, Rodney, you know that's not true..."

Zelenka looked over at John troubled. He was experiencing a certain amount of guilt; John could see that. What if it *was* his fault the jumper had crashed? What if he had overlooked something important that resulted in the crash of the jumper. Even so, Radek interrupted John with an impatient wave, "No, no, Colonel let him talk. Tell me what happened," he sat, quite prepared to let Rodney flay him alive if that was what it took to keep the man awake and talking.

Rodney blinked as his confused brain processed the information; he tried to rub at his forehead but Radek intercepted the hand before Rodney could do further harm there. Rodney jerked free and tried to sit up, "No, wait, what if someone sabotaged the systems?"

Radek and John exchanged a startled glance. They'd been too busy trying to rescue McKay to worry about the whys of the accident.

Zelenka pushed Rodney back down, but he continued on, no longer aware of his audience, "I mean, if Radek said the jumper was fixed, then it was fixed."

Zelenka flushed a little at the unexpected compliment, one Rodney would never have delivered if it hadn't been for his gaping head wound.

"So, it couldn't be an accident that the jumper went down," Rodney mumbled, his fingers worrying at the cloth of the blankets.

John frowned as Rodney rambled on. Leaving Radek to care for Rodney, he made his way back to the pilot's seat to check the controls. He sat, not really seeing the water rushing past below them as he thought about the possibility of sabotage to the jumper.

Why had the jumper's systems failed? Rodney was right. Zelenka was brilliant and he wouldn't take careless chances with other people's lives. If he said the jumper was fixed, then it was fixed. Now that they had retrieved Rodney and were safely on their way back to Atlantis, the mystery began to trouble John.

John clicked over to a secure channel on his headset and placed a call to his second in command, Major Lorne.


	2. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Even trying to figure out what had happened to the jumper wasn't enough to keep Rodney on track for long though. 

"Where's Sam?" he asked yet again, his eyes wondering past John and Zelenka like they weren't even there.

His gaze came to rest on a panel over their heads and he smiled, "There you are," he said to no one at all.

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney smiled wider, "You said they would come. No one likes a told-you-so hallucination, you know," he mumbled, his words slurring and growing indistinct even as he rambled on.

Zelenka stayed busy taking vitals and relaying them to Beckett. All John had to do while they sat in the jumper bay and reduced the pressure in the jumper in gradual steps was to sit and watch as Rodney's condition progressed from bad to worse.

John sat at Rodney's side and tried to ignore the non-existent person that Rodney would rather speak to than his friends. McKay was oblivious to his companion's worried glances as he continued to carry on his conversation with an imaginary Sam Carter.

John felt completely useless, unable to do anything but keep watch on the clock as it counted down, telling them when they'd finally decompressed and they could open the shuttle's hatch and let in the medical team that was waiting just a few feet away.

By the time they were able to open the rear hatch and hand McKay over to the doctor, Rodney had completely lost consciousness. John was exhausted - mentally and physically. The medical team worked around Rodney, inserting IV's and preparing him for the short trip to the infirmary, and still, all John could was sit by and watch. He wondered if this was what McKay had felt like the time John had come back with a bug on his neck – helpless, unable to contribute anything useful. He'd gotten McKay home and that was all he could do for him.

A hand on his shoulder surprised him.

"He will be alright, Colonel," Radek said softly, his eyes understanding too much.

John tried for the easy smile, letting it settle on his face like a mask, "Hey, of course he is, this is McKay we're talking about here. If he had to hurt anything, his head is the hardest part of his body. Right?"

"This is quite correct," Radek agreed readily. John got the feeling Zelenka was now humoring him. "You go with Rodney, I clean up mess in puddle jumper."

John hesitated, then asked the question he'd been mulling, "Dr. Z? The puddle jumper was ready for flight wasn't it?"

He saw the guilt flash again in Zelenka's eyes, the not-quite-for-sure look that haunted him. Radek shrugged, "I was sure, Colonel. Now I do not know. What else could it be but malfunction I missed? Surely we would not suspect anyone on base of sabotage. I would wish for it to be my mistake than this."

John had a bad feeling gnawing at him, but he just shook his head. It was better not to say anything than to make false accusations.

"We'll figure it out," now it was his turn to reassure Zelenka.

"Yes, yes, yes," he said in a perfect imitation of Rodney McKay, "Now, you go and make sure doctor does not stick Rodney with too many needles."

John started to leave, but turned back, "Hey, Radek," he called out.

Radek turned to him. He looked a little frazzled himself from their underwater adventure.

"You did good, Doc," John said sincerely, "I couldn't have rescued him without you there."

"Of course you could not," Radek said with a small smirk. He waved an impatient hand for Sheppard to go.

John smiled at him before turning and following Rodney to the infirmary.

~~~~~

Despite how bad Rodney looked to John, Beckett didn't seem at all worried about him.

"Colonel, he has a concussion, and he's suffering from a wee bit of hypothermia, but otherwise he's fine." Carson tried to reassure him. "You got to him in time, and Radek took very good care of him. Yes, he will be here with me for a few days, but I think he will be right as rain and driving us all insane again in a week or so."

John stood in a corner, out of the way; anxiously watching as the medical staff worked around Rodney getting him hooked to equipment and settled in a bed. The patient slept through it all, oblivious to everything around him. He was going to be so disappointed when he found out that he missed his own time as the center of attention.

It seemed anti climatic somehow after the worry of the last few hours.

When they were done, John pulled up a chair and settled down next to Rodney, not yet ready to leave him alone. He just needed to sit and watch him for a while, assure himself that his friend was alive and well.

"Colonel," Beckett looked him over with a critical eye. "You need to get some rest yourself you know."

"I'm fine, doc," John scoffed at him. "I'm not the one who spent the last few hours at the bottom of the ocean in a leaky puddle jumper fighting for my life."

"No, but you are the one who pretty much single-handedly engineered his rescue, lad," Carson admonished him. "You're running on nothing but adrenaline now. You need to go eat something and get some sleep. Rodney won't be waking for a while yet and he'll need you here to help him recover."

John sat a moment more, mulishly, watching the steady rise and fall of Rodney's chest. He knew what the doctor said was the truth, but they'd come too close to losing him this time. *He'd* come too close to losing Rodney this time. The doctor clucked impatiently and made a shooing motion with his hand pointing at the door.

Reluctantly John rose from the chair slowly, feeling every muscle he owned creek and protest.

"You'll call me if there's any change?" John asked. It was unnecessary, he knew, but he still had to say the words.

"Of course, Colonel." Carson studied him closely. "When are you going to tell him, lad?" he asked gently, a small smile on his face.

John felt as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath his feet. "I... What? Tell who? What?" he stammered knowing he'd failed completely at being cool and collected. But he had no idea how Carson knew.

Carson nodded as if having his suspicions confirmed. He patted John's arm, "Don't you worry, lad, no one else knows or suspects. But remember, I'm trained to look below the surface of things. And you and Rodney, you've been through a lot together. It'd be quite natural to..."

Sheppard had recovered his equilibrium now, "Don't go there, doc," he held up a warning hand. The doctor was venturing into dangerous territory, territory that John wasn't prepared to discuss, certainly not with Carson Beckett.

Beckett continued stubbornly, "I just don't understand why you don't say something. You don't even know how he feels."

John scrubbed a hand through his spiky hair. He considered just leaving, but he owed the doctor a better answer than that, "Doc, it may be different where you come from, but the United States Air Force has something called 'don't ask, don't tell'."

"Oh, come now, Colonel, we're in a different galaxy, surely the Victorian notions of your military can't hold so much sway here?"

"Doc, it's hard to change the habits of a lifetime. And..." he'd thought about telling Rodney, so many times, "there are so many reasons it wouldn't be a good idea, Carson, but mostly," John shuffled his feet not used to feeling ill-at-ease, not being confident in himself and his abilities, "he's in my chain of command. It would be completely inappropriate." It sounded good even if it really wasn't quite correct and wasn't really the reason he'd never told Rodney about the feelings he had for him.

Carson held his gaze for a minute, studying him like John was a specimen on a slide he was trying to understand. Finally he shook his head. "I dinna understand why you'd deny yourself happiness like that, but it's your life, lad."

"Yes, it is," John said firmly. "You'll call me if he wakes up?" he asked once again, anxious to escape from the doctor's penetrating gaze.

"I said I would, Colonel, now you go and get some rest. Don't force me to make it an order."

Sheppard gave an ironic salute and pivoted in a smart fashion on one foot. He was gone before the doctor could say anything else.

Carson watched him go with a shake of his head. "Bloody fool," was all he said before he turned back to his patient.


	3. Finding Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Of course Sheppard had no intention of resting. He was tired, but he knew that going back to his quarters wouldn't mean that he would actually get any rest. He would just lay there staring at the ceiling, thinking. That wasn't something he liked doing under the best of circumstances. No, his normal MO was to keep working until he dropped into bed and slept from sheer exhaustion.

And he wasn't there yet.

No, the mystery of what had happened to jumper six was on his mind now and he couldn't let it go. Rodney was right; Zelenka wouldn't have let anyone take the jumper out if he wasn't 100% certain that it was ready.

So there had to be another explanation for the problem with the jumper. If mechanical failure was taken off the table and shoddy workmanship on Zelenka's part was dismissed, that left only one explanation. Sheppard was beginning to suspect, the more he thought about it, that sabotage was uncomfortably close to the truth.

Lorne hadn't called him back yet with anything conclusive so he decided it was time to investigate for himself. Sheppard wasn't too surprised to find the young major sitting in the security office even though he knew that Lorne's duty shift had ended hours before.

Lorne sat back in his chair when his commanding officer sauntered into the room and rubbed his eyes. "How's Dr. McKay doing, sir?" he asked concern shining in his eyes.

Sheppard shrugged, "Beckett says he'll be fine in a few days. He's sleeping right now, that's why the city isn't in a state of emergency," he quirked a smile.

"We better rest now while we have the chance." Lorne smiled back, a rueful grin lighting his face. They all knew Rodney was difficult at the best of times. Being injured, he was going to take everyone's energy to keep him occupied until he was back up to full speed.

Lorne turned a speculative eye on his commander and looked him up and down. "Are you sure you don't want to go rest? I can do this." He waved a hand at the security monitors.

John appreciated the concern, he really did, but he ignored the question. "You find anything?" He leaned in over Lorne's shoulder, peering at the monitors curiously.

"Nothing conclusive," the major frowned. "There is one strange moment when that new guy that came in on the Daedalus a month or so ago went into the jumper when there was no one in there, but there isn't any security footage inside the jumper so I don't have any idea what he was doing. It could have been something authorized." He punched a few buttons and pulled up the footage in question.

Sheppard watched closely but Lorne was right, there was absolutely nothing suspicious about the man walking into the jumper bay with his work pad under his arm carrying a box of tools. He went into the jumper and then left a few minutes later. There were no glaring alarms to herald foul deeds. He didn't have beady eyes or a sneaky look about him. He just looked like every other geek in the city, a little harried with too much life-or-death work to do and not enough time to do it in.

"Do you suppose Dr. Zelenka asked him to do something and he messed it up and now he's afraid to say anything?" Lorne mused.

Sheppard straightened, rotating his shoulders trying to release the tension that resided there from too many hours spent sitting at the controls of the jumper worrying. "Why don't I go find out?" he said. "You," he put a hand on Lorne's shoulder, squeezing it lightly in approval, "go to bed. I don't need you run down during the next emergency."

"I could say the same to you, sir," Lorne shot right back to him.

"You could, but unless you want McKay on your team for a rotation, you won't," Sheppard said, knowing just exactly what would push Lorne's buttons.

Lorne grinned up at him impishly, "Nah, I don't have to worry about that, you'd miss him too much."

The man was teasing, but it hit uncomfortably close to the truth.

"Major," Sheppard said, his jaw tightening.

Lorne flinched a little realizing exactly what he said. "Going to bed now, sir." Lorne was out of the door in a flash.

Hell. Even Lorne knew how he felt about McKay. Was there anyone in the city who didn't know his feelings except for Dr. Rodney McKay himself?

Sheppard sat in the chair Lorne had just vacated. He pushed the play-back button on the security feed. Watching the footage again, he scanned the tape trying to see if there was anything out of place or wrong that Lorne might have missed. But there wasn't. Starting it again from the beginning, he set up a loop that would play in slow motion, frame by frame. But his mind wasn't really on the security tape anymore. He'd seen everything he needed to see.

John dropped his head into his hand for a moment. Instead of the security tape, all he could really see was McKay's face, pale and bloody. He'd been so afraid of losing him this time before...

Before he had had a chance to tell Rodney exactly how he felt.

It was all so screwed up.

John had resolved on the trip down to rescue Rodney, that this was it, it was time. He was going to come clean with McKay and tell him the feelings he'd been keeping bottled up for a long time now. He was going to throw caution to the wind and take the chance that Rodney might reject him. But there had been a chance then that Rodney might *not* reject him. He might smile that crooked smile and call him an idiot, tell him that he cared for John, too. There was still a chance that Rodney might have leaned in and pressed their lips together...

But that was then.

That was before realizing that Rodney was still very much in love with Sam Carter, there was no other explanation for it. Why else would Rodney be hallucinating her in his final minutes of life? John sure couldn't come up with any other reason. So, now, all that was left was for John to suck it up and deal with his broken heart. And didn't that sound so seventh grade?

He was the military commander of Atlantis and he didn't need the distraction of being attracted to someone who didn't feel the same way. Someone who was in fact, in love with somebody else.

All John needed was a few days away from Rodney to get his feelings under control again and things could go back to normal between them. And Rodney would never even know what a colossal fool John had almost made of himself. He smiled a sad smile; Rodney would have found it funny if he only knew.

He turned off the security feed and went in search of Zelenka.

The lab was deserted when John got there. The lights were out and no one was home. In retrospect he shouldn't have been surprised. It was late, Zelenka had probably gone to bed, he deserved it after the day they'd had. And the only other person who might have been there in the early hours of the morning was Rodney and he was in the infirmary. John refused to think of how pale Rodney looked, how vulnerable he appeared as he laid in the infirmary bed hooked to every machine that Carson had available to him.

Sheppard stood at the door of the lab undecided. He really wanted to go back to the infirmary and check on McKay, make sure that he was still alright and be at his side in case he woke up. Which so wasn't part of the 'distancing himself from McKay' plan. Besides John knew that if anything happened, he'd be the first person Beckett called. He really should go to bed and pursue the mystery of the jumper's crash after he'd had some sleep.

Instead John wandered into the empty lab moving to McKay's work bench. Even without Rodney there, the place was stamped with the unmistakable imprint of his presence. His workstation was littered with empty pudding cups that had been licked clean and there was an unopened power bar next to Rodney's laptop with a coffee cup (Physicists do it in theory) beside it, sludge still in the bottom. There was a sticky note taped to the computer proclaiming, "If you touch this, you are dead. Yes, Kavanagh, that means YOU."

John smiled. It was almost like he could hear Rodney's voice; his presence there was so strong.

_"You going to stand there like a lump or are you going to make yourself useful? Come over here and touch this."_

John sat on the stool and closed his eyes. He breathed in and the place even smelled like Rodney, the air was rich with the scent of coffee and chocolate. All the worry and fear that John had been denying the last few hours rushed in.

He had been so scared he was going to lose Rodney. It should have been John Sheppard on that shakedown flight, but Griff had insisted that he needed the flight time with the jumper and he really liked McKay. Now Griff was dead and Rodney was lying in the infirmary and John's dreams of their possible future together were shattered.

John swallowed against the lump that threatened to rise. He wasn't exactly sure when it was that he knew he was in love with Rodney; maybe it was that moment when he saw Rodney walking into the energy creature that threatened them all. Up to that point his crush had been easily managed, especially when the other man was so good at pushing away everyone in sight.

But when Rodney had walked into the shadow creature without a word to anyone of what he was doing, John had seen another Dr. Rodney McKay, a McKay who cared so much about the people around him that he was willing to risk his own life, a life that he reminded those around him daily was the most valuable life in the expedition, to save them all. After that John was pretty much gone, finding reasons to spend time with Rodney. It was pretty easy once Rodney joined his team.

He'd almost convinced himself that Rodney returned his feelings, that Rodney wasn't as straight as he wanted people to think he was. But now... John just kept returning to Rodney talking to a non-existent Sam Carter. Why would he do that if he were in love with John Sheppard? Wouldn't he hallucinate the person he most cared about to be with him at his time of greatest need?

John ran a shaking hand through his hair. He needed to get over this thing for Rodney before Rodney was let out of the infirmary. He needed for things to be normal between them again. And right now, John wasn't sure he could even see Rodney without throwing himself at the scientist and pouring out his heart.

And that wasn't what John did. It wasn't what they did. They were men and their relationship was built on the give and take of their snark, on the small words and deeds that bound them together. They had built a solid friendship over the months and John needed that as much as he needed a lover. He thought that Rodney probably needed the same thing, maybe even more. Rodney didn't have that many real friends and all the ones he had were on Atlantis. If all Rodney wanted was a friend, then John Sheppard was going to be the best damn friend Rodney had ever had.

Resolutely John stood. Now that he'd made his decision, he knew what he had to do. He had to go to the infirmary and check on McKay. If he woke up and found himself in the infirmary alone, he was going to be freaked.

As he turned to go, another sticky note caught John's eye. There was an ancient doo-dad sitting behind the computer, probably shoved out of the way of whatever project McKay had been working on. John leaned forward curiously and saw his name sprawled across the square of paper.

Now his curiosity was piqued. Without even thinking John picked up the object. It was a small grey, rock-like device, smooth and surprisingly heavy. It fit into his hand as if it were made for him. Briefly it glowed with an incandescent light, lighting up the whole lab. Then it settled down to a gentler glow that warmed John's hand, seeping up into his arm and through his body.

Without even thinking about it, he was out of the lab and setting off down the hall knowing where he was going and what he had to do.


	4. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Radek trudged through Atlantis' quiet halls, rubbing at eyes that were gritty with sleep. He'd stayed up long after he and Sheppard had returned with Rodney. After checking to make sure his friend was going to be alright, Radek had gone straight to his lab. He'd spent hours there pouring over the readings he had made of Jumper Six before its ill-fated shakedown flight.

He had been sure the jumper was ready for flight. He never would have let it go up otherwise. The only reason he hadn't wanted to go on the flight himself was because he was terrified of flying (and water, too, but mostly flying). Which sounded silly considering he'd traveled through a worm hole to get to the Pegasus Galaxy, but really you couldn't compare the two modes of travel.

On Earth he would go to any lengths to avoid flying. When he couldn't avoid it, he would drug himself into oblivion so he wouldn't know that he was thousands of feet in the air in a thin metal tube that was staying aloft only because of sheer imagination. Yes, he was a scientist and he knew the hows of air travel. He also knew the statistics that said air travel was perfectly safe. But all he could think about while in the air was how far it was to the ground and the fact that he'd be dead of fright before he actually hit anything solid if something did go wrong.

And the thought of going up in a jumper that had been damaged...? He couldn't even bring himself to think about it.

He debated long hours trying to convince himself that he could make the flight. Ancient jumpers were surely safer than Earth vessels, he reasoned. But the more he thought about it – the flight, the water, the impact when he hit the ground, he almost became physically ill.

When Radek finally confessed his fear to McKay, Rodney mocked him (as Radek had expected). But then he surprised Radek and said he would go on the flight in his place.

Radek had known there would be an eventual price to pay. Rodney never did anything out of the goodness of his heart. It would ruin his reputation as bossy and arrogant. Radek had been prepared to pay in any amount of expensive coffee beans or his dessert ration of pudding cups for the next month, whatever Rodney demanded, no price would be too high. He didn't expect that Rodney would almost pay the ultimate price for Radek's cowardice and inept repairs.

Except he couldn't find where the repairs were bad. The more he pored over the readings, the less he found. Everything looked fine. Jumper Six had been *fine* and ready for flight as far as he could tell. He was afraid that the only way he was ever going to know for sure who was at fault was to physically examine the jumper. But the little ship was on the bottom of the ocean and Radek doubted they'd be going back for it anytime soon. Sheppard didn't know quite how close they had cut it. They almost hadn't made it back themselves.

But he didn't need the evidence. In his heart, Radek knew he was the one at fault. He had missed something. A man was dead and his best friend was severely injured because Radek Zelenka made a mistake.

They all made mistakes, Radek knew that. The scientists were only human and the kind of stress they lived under almost guaranteed that at some time, someone was going to miss something. But Radek had never expected that it would be him. He was the voice of reason that kept Rodney from going over the deep end. He was the buffer that kept the rest of the scientists from killing McKay. Now he'd almost taken care of it himself.

Yes, Sheppard and Rodney himself – a delirious, delusional Rodney who had been speaking to an hallucination, had supported the theory that perhaps someone had sabotaged the jumper, but Radek couldn't accept that someone in their small group would go to such lengths. He couldn't bear the thought that anyone in their community (that he'd come to think of as family) would want one of them dead.

If he allowed himself to think about it, Radek was chilled wondering if it was he himself that was the intended target or Rodney. McKay had certainly been vocal enough about the fact that he was taking Radek's place.

_"Yes, yes,"_ Rodney had said loudly to anyone and everyone, _"I have a hundred and one more important things to do that would benefit the city, but because Zelenka is a scared little girl, I, out of the goodness of my heart, will be taking his place on the test flight of jumper six."_

Any one of the scientists would have known about the substitution hours before the flight was scheduled. Anyone would have had time to sneak aboard the jumper and damage vital systems that wouldn't show up until it was much too late to do anything about it. Even if you were a genius named Rodney McKay.

Radek pushed the thoughts from his mind refusing to speculate on who might have had time or opportunity or motive (They all had motive. Any one of the scientists were threatening Rodney's life at some time during any given day, even Radek himself.).

He wanted to look in on his friend one more time before he found his bed and collapsed for the night.

As Radek approached the infirmary, someone slipped out of the door and hurried away. The lights were dimmed for the evening, so Radek couldn't see who it was, but he smiled a little at the shadowy figure. Rodney had more friends than he knew and many of them would be by his side now while he needed it. Later they would all say they knew McKay's head was too hard to dent, but tonight when he needed their presence, people would be at his side.

The infirmary was quiet as Radek entered, there was no one at the desk where someone usually sat on duty. Radek paused, his head cocked, listening. There was something off, and he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.

There was nothing obviously wrong, no blaring alarms or flashing lights. Just the fact that there was no one sitting at that desk when there was a seriously wounded patient in the infirmary sent a prickle of unease through him. Then it came to him that it was *too* quiet. There were no beeps and hums from the machinery that Radek would normally expect to find monitoring a patient. The place was as still as a tomb.

A chill sweeping through him, Radek hurried to Rodney's bed. He stopped when he got there, appalled at what he found. The machinery was all in place around the bed, but it was silent; it had been turned off.

Radek didn't pause to wonder where everyone was, or to consider any of the ramifications when he realized that Rodney wasn't breathing. He tapped his radio and shouted, "Medical emergency in infirmary. I need help now!"

~~~~~

It didn't take long to leave behind the familiar corridors of Atlantis and enter the areas of the city that they hadn't yet had time to investigate. Those areas were shrinking as they had time to send out search parties to map the city and find out what was in the deserted corridors and labs, but there were still large areas that were mainly unexplored.

John hurried through the unfamiliar corridors, never pausing to wonder if he was going the right way or to even consider what it was that was drawing him along with such urgency. He felt the need to keep moving under his skin like a drug. He could hear a voice, clearly calling him on.

_"John? Please hurry, John. I have been waiting so long."_

He clutched the Ancient device in his hand tightly. It was his life-line to the voice that was pulling at him, whispering to him.

He had no idea what was waiting for him when he found the voice, just that he had to find it.

At last, breathless, with the need thrumming in time with his heart, John stood in front of a door, certain that this was it; whatever was waiting for him was behind this door.

The door slid open and the room it revealed lit up in clear invitation just as the radio in his ear blared. He heard Radek's shout, _"Medical emergency in the infirmary. I need help."_

John froze, knowing that it was Rodney. McKay was in danger and he needed John there at his side.

"John, I need you, too." The voice came from inside the room, a woman's voice, low and sweet. He could hear the pain in her voice, feel it as it swept through him. "You are the only one that can help me," she said.


	5. More Questions than Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Radek sat anxiously waiting outside the infirmary, hoping for news about Rodney's condition. As soon as Beckett came rushing into the infirmary in response to Radek's panicked call, he had thrown Zelenka out so the medical staff could care for McKay.

It didn't take long before Elizabeth appeared. Dressed in a t-shirt and sweats, she was a little rumpled, as if she'd just gotten out of bed. Glancing down at his watch, Radek thought she probably had.

"What happened?" she asked, her eyes wide with shock. "When I came to visit earlier Carson said Rodney would be fine." She had her arms wrapped around her body and she shivered a little.

Radek shook his head, "I do not know. Carson said to me also that Rodney is going to be fine, but I come to the infirmary and he is not breathing."

Elizabeth's face turned white and she sat abruptly. The day was taking its toll on all of them.

Radek paced up and down the hall unable to stand still and wait patiently.

Footsteps could be heard coming up the hall and Radek turned, half expecting Colonel Sheppard. He was surprised when he saw that it was Major Lorne that approached them at a jog.

"I heard the emergency call on the radio," he explained, tapping his ear. "What happened?" He was in complete uniform, down to his side arm and tac vest. Radek wondered if the man had been to bed at all.

"This is what we are waiting to find out." Radek said.

Lorne shook his head. "No, what happened? As in, tell me what you saw when you found Dr. McKay."

Radek rubbed his temples, a headache was gathering behind his eyes. "I come to see Rodney before I go to bed, but he is alone and not breathing."

"Alone?" Lorne picked that word out of all the others. "Who was the doctor on duty?"

Radek shrugged, "There was no one," he insisted. "Everything was quiet, even machines around Rodney had been turned off."

Lorne didn't know if Elizabeth or Radek caught the immediate significance of that fact, but the whole matter had just shifted from the realm of suspicion and speculation into sabotage and attempted murder.

"When I see that Rodney is not breathing, I called for help." Radek spread his hands helplessly, "This is all I know."

Lorne studied the harried doctor. Zelenka looked like he'd been pulling at his hair, it was sticking up in little tufts around his face and his glasses were sitting skewed on his face, a face that was lined with worry. Gently Lorne reached out and straightened the glasses. Zelenka started at his touch, and Lorne patted a shoulder.

"Was there any sign of..." god, Lorne hated to even say the words out loud. Once they were out there, there would be no taking them back, "foul play?"

He studied Zelenka's face carefully. Right now he only had Zelenka's word for the fact that he had found Rodney not breathing. If he came into the infirmary to find McKay alone and helpless, unable to defense himself... well, Radek certainly had opportunity to kill McKay. God knew he was smart enough to figure out the means. As for motive, everyone wanted to kill Dr. Rodney McKay at some time or another. Lorne would defend the man to the death, Zelenka just didn't have it in him to hurt anyone. But, as an investigator, he had to suspect everyone.

Radek shook his head, "How am I to know foul play? I can tell you there was nothing wrong with Jumper Six. I can tell you that Carson says Rodney will be fine. And yet, jumper has crashed, and McKay is not breathing when last I see him. What is causing this? I do not know. I wish I did, so I could stop it."

Zelenka appeared to be on the point of collapse himself. Elizabeth rose swiftly and joined them. She put a calming hand on Zelenka's shoulder.

"Calm down, Radek, we'll get to the bottom of this. Rodney is going to be fine."

"What about Griffin? Will he be fine?" Radek surprised them both by whirling on her and shouting in her face. "Last time I checked, there is no cure for death by drowning at the bottom of ocean." He began to shake and his eyes rolled back in his head. Lorne barely caught him before he hit the ground.

Elizabeth ran to shout for help from the infirmary.

~~~~~

Radek's limp body disappeared into the infirmary and Elizabeth and Lorne were left to wait.

"What is going on here, Major?" Elizabeth asked as soon as they were once again alone. She was watching him with that sharp-edged stare that said that she knew something was going on and she expected to get answers.

Lorne scrubbed a hand through his hair not sure where to start with her. He had a lot more questions than answers at the moment. He wished that Sheppard was there, he always knew the right tack to take with her.

Lorne took a deep breath and just started, "The colonel suspected that jumper six might have been sabotaged, ma'am,' he said.

Her face drained of color and she sat. "Surely not," she began. "Why that would mean..." They'd barely dodged the bullet with a Trust operative intent on blowing up the city. Now on the heels of that debacle to have someone trying to murder McKay, they weren't having a good month at all.

"Yeah," he agreed heavily.

It only took the space of a second for her to seal away her shock and horror that someone in their midst might be trying to murder one of their own. Lorne admired Weir a lot; he wouldn't want her job for anything.

"So, what have you found out?" she asked, letting the mantle of leadership settle over her.

He smiled ruefully, "That's just it ma'am, we don't really know anything. The colonel and I were looking at security footage and we saw someone who may or may not be a suspect go into jumper six. The colonel was going to ask Dr. Zelenka about it." Lorne glanced over at the obstinately closed infirmary door. "I don't have any idea if they actually talked or not. I'm thinking not, but..." he trailed off, waving a frustrated hand towards the infirmary where Zelenka's unconscious body had disappeared.

She followed his gaze, "I'm surprised the colonel's not here," she observed thoughtfully.

"So am I, ma'am. He's probably off following a lead." Lorne didn't know that for certain, but he couldn't think of anything else that would be keeping John Sheppard from the infirmary. Zelenka's call for help had gone out over the emergency channel on their comms. It had been broadcast to the entire senior staff and whoever was on duty at the moment. There was no way that Sheppard couldn't know McKay was in further trouble.

The opening of the infirmary door attracted both their attention. They turned as one to see Dr. Beckett emerge into the hallway. His shoulders were bowed with weariness. The dark shadows under his eyes told the tale of how long it had been since the good doctor had seen a bed. It had been a long day for everyone it seemed.

"Carson?" Elizabeth's voice was tight with worry and anxiety.

Beckett shook his head, his mouth was set in a tight line "I do nae know yet exactly what happened with Rodney." His eyes were dark with his own guilt. Beckett took the care of his patients and friends personally. The fact that Rodney had almost died while on his watch wasn't something the doctor would be forgiving himself for soon.

There was a lot of guilt being thrown around and the person responsible was still out there walking around. Lorne intended to remedy that as quickly as possible.

"I can tell you that it wasn't caused by his injuries..." the doctor's voice trailed off, his eyes troubled. "There was nae reason he should stop breathing."

"Doc?" Lorne asked, needing to know exactly what the doctor was saying.

"All of the equipment that should have warned us about Rodney's condition was turned off, Major." Beckett's voice was flat. "What am I supposed to bloody think? It's bad enough that we have the Wraith out there trying to make dinner out of us, now we can't even trust each other?" He was almost trembling he was so angry.

"It's alright, Doc," Lorne assured him, "we'll get whoever's responsible for this," he promised quietly.

"Before Rodney's dead?" Carson asked flatly. He gave a frustrated snort. "I'm sorry, Major, I've done no better job of looking after him. Someone came into my infirmary and tried to kill him. We've intubated him and we're running tests to find out what's going on, but for now that is all I can tell ye. It would have been nice to know that someone was trying to kill him, we might have prevented this." The doctor's stare was hard and accusing.

Lorne didn't blame the man for being angry. Mistakes had been made all along the way because no one wanted to think that one of their own could be responsible and now someone had almost died for their softness. "I'm sorry, doc, all I can say is, whoever did this won't get another chance. I've got a detail coming that will stand guard at this door."

The doctor nodded, slightly mollified.

"Radek?" Elizabeth asked anxiously.

Beckett gave a weary smile, "He was overwrought. Between the crash of the Jumper, which he takes as his own personal fault, and Griffin's death and that little trip to the bottom of the ocean, he was pretty much done in." He blew out an exasperated breath that seemed to convey that everyone in Atlantis was an idiot when it came to their health. "Then, instead of resting himself, he's been back in his lab all this time working on trying to figure out what happened to cause the crash. Do not worry; lass, we'll be keeping an eye on him."

"Can I talk to him, doc?" Lorne asked. There were still a few things he needed to clarify with the scientist. He didn't suspect Radek, not really, but he needed to see if he could pull any more details from the scientist once he was calmer.

Beckett shook his head, "I gave him a sedative, Major, he'll be sleeping through the night." Lorne heard the unspoken 'now.'

Lorne tried to hold back the disappointed huff, "Doc, I hate to ask this," Lorne said knowing it was best to get the unpleasant conversation over as quickly as possible and let the doctor get back to his patients. "Dr. Zelenka said that there was no one duty when he went in to check on McKay. Isn't it SOP to have someone on duty at all times?"

"Aye," the doctor looked like he was ready to fall over at any minute, and Lorne didn't like being the one to add to his load. But his gut was telling him there was no time to waste now. Things had escalated quicker than any of them had anticipated.

Someone had tried to kill McKay only hours after his puddle jumper had fallen from the sky, and in an infirmary that was usually teaming with people. Their perpetrator was determined and fearless. It was a dangerous combination.

Beckett shifted uneasily, "There was a doctor on duty, but he was called away. When he got down to the lab where there was supposed to be a chemical spill, there was nothing there. By the time he got back, Radek had already found Rodney and we were working on him. If Radek hadn't come in..." the doctor didn't need to finish. They all knew that McKay would have been dead if Zelenka hadn't found him when he did.

That was where Lorne needed to start. McKay was where this had all started. The jumper crash could have been an unfortunate accident and if it was sabotage it could have been Griffin or Zelenka who might have been the intended targets. McKay, after all, was a last-minute substitution for Radek. But the attempt on his life in the infirmary was deliberate and pointed. Lorne had a feeling that this wasn't going to stop now until McKay (and maybe anyone who got in the way like Griffin) was dead or their perp was caught. Lorne wondered again exactly where Sheppard was.

"I need to get back to my patients," Beckett said, "I'll keep you informed if I find out anything." He shuffled back into the infirmary.

Elizabeth stood a moment, irresolute, staring after the doctor. Then she straightened her shoulders and turned to Lorne, "Well, it's obvious I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. I'm going to get dressed and go to Control. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Lorne shook his head. "I'm going to wait here for my guys, then I've got some things I want to look into." Like find out where in the hell Sheppard was. "I'll call you if I need anything," he promised her.

She nodded. With a final look back at the closed door she left him there, trusting him to keep Rodney McKay alive.


	6. Will the Real John Sheppard Please Stand Up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Lorne pushed himself away from his desk, rotating his shoulders, feeling the pop and crunch of muscles too long forced into one position. His eyes were gritty from lack of sleep and a yawn took him by surprise, making his jaw crack. He wanted nothing more than to go to bed and sleep for about 18 hours. He'd already had a long day when Sheppard had returned the previous day with McKay, and Lorne had gotten no real sleep since then. He knew the colonel hadn't meant for him to stay up reviewing the security tapes, but his sense of something wrong had been pinging even then. That sense had never been wrong. He really regretted that it had been exactly on the money this time.

When Sheppard had sent him to his quarters to rest, Lorne had gotten a few minutes stretched out on his bed, when the call from the infirmary came. He would have liked to say that he was surprised by the latest obvious attempt on Dr. McKay's life, but he wasn't. It was all starting to add up for Lorne, but to what he just didn't know and the three guys good with numbers all seemed to be unavailable to him. Two were in the infirmary and only Atlantis knew where Sheppard was and she wasn't talking to Major Evan Lorne.

Sheppard's disappearing act worried the major as much as the attempt on McKay's life. The colonel disappeared sometimes after a bad mission or when he needed solitude, but he always told Lorne where he was going to be in case there was an emergency and he was needed. Lorne never intruded unless it was absolutely necessary and Sheppard never went anywhere without his comm.

When Lorne had stopped at Sheppard's quarters hoping to find the colonel was just sacked out there, Lorne had been surprised to find Sheppard's comm there and no Sheppard. It was weird in a totally new way, which was never good, especially with McKay sitting at death's door. There was no way the Colonel John Sheppard that Evan Lorne knew would be anywhere but at McKay's bedside. Even if Sheppard didn't feel the way Lorne suspected he felt about the snarky scientist, the colonel took his responsibility to his people very seriously. He would stay at McKay's side to protect him.

Still, the colonel's methods *were* a little unorthodox. It wasn't the first time Sheppard had gone off without notifying anyone of his plan. And Lorne wasn't about the pull out the big guns and start a search for the man when he could just be following a lead and not want his hand tipped quite yet. Lorne decided to give Sheppard a little while longer before he began completely freaking out.

In the meantime, Lorne did what he felt he needed to do in the colonel's absence. He assigned a couple of his men to the infirmary telling them to keep a low profile, he didn't want to tip their guy off that they were on to him. He checked back regularly with Carson on whether Zelenka had woken up and to get anything new on McKay's condition. Beckett still couldn't give a definitive answer of what had happened with McKay. He'd just mutter a surly, "I'm bloody working on it," whenever Lorne would call and ask for an update.

Lorne felt for him. Almost losing your best friend twice in the same day sucked. Lorne wished he could give the doctor all the time he needed to run his tests and find out what was going on, but he had a feeling that they weren't going to be given a lot of time to come up with answers. Whoever wanted to kill McKay seemed pretty determined, who knew what he would do next. They needed answers as fast as they could get them.

Still, as hard as he tried, Lorne himself wasn't coming up with any answers of his own very quickly. His main suspect really wasn't anyone suspicious, unless you counted his loud and public fights with Rodney McKay as evidence.

The guy was fresh off the Daedalus. He had probably arrived with dreams of Ancient tech and Nobel prizes in his head. Problem was Rodney McKay didn't trust the new guys with the Ancient stuff. They'd had too many near misses with people who didn't know what they were doing playing with the fun toys. Now Rodney made sure they had a breaking in period before any of the new staff got to get near the good stuff. And the new guy, Dr. Miles Costas objected to it. Strongly.

Lorne had to admit that the emails that went back and forth between the two were amusing.

From: Dr. Miles Costas, PhD  
To: Dr. Rodney McKay  
Subject: working conditions on Atlantis

_Dr. McKay, I must strongly protest this perceived conclusion that, as newly arrived on Atlantis, I am going 'to blow the place to kingdom come.' I was chosen for this expedition because of my expertise and my knowledge. I would not have been sent if I was less than the best and I must insist that I be given the respect that I am deserving and the chance to work with the Ancient tech that you are sequestering away. Every day that I sit at my workstation doing things that a trained monkey could do is a waste of my time and I don't think that the IOA would like to hear about this. That's not a threat, Dr. McKay, just a promise of what will happen if I am not immediately set to work with the best that this galaxy has to offer._

Dr. Miles Costas, PhD

Lorne had to shake his head at the tone and undercurrent of the message. The man was an idiot if he thought that McKay would succumb to such tactics and McKay's reply wasn't at all unexpected.

From: Dr. Rodney McKay, PhD  
To: Dr. Miles Costas, PhD and trained monkey  
Subject: Working conditions are what I say they are

_Dr. Costas, you are welcome to go to the IOA or anyone else you feel like taking your petty little jealousies to. Policies have been put in place for the safety of all and just because you think you're the smartest monkey on the block doesn't actually mean I'm going to relax them just because you have a temper tantrum. Now sit back and do the trained monkey work you've been assigned and maybe in six months or so I'll let you work on something harder like the septic system. Keep up your complaining and you'll be going home minus the Daedalus. Now stop bothering the people who are smarter than you are and be a good little trained monkey._

Dr. Rodney McKay PhD (3) & CSO  
 _(that would be Chief Science Officer for the trained monkeys that don't understand such things)_

Things degenerated from there, and yes, there were death threats involved on both sides. But hell, every one of the science staff had a screaming match with McKay at least once a week. When it came right down to it, most of the military also had loud, public fights with Rodney McKay (as did most of the kitchen staff). Lorne couldn't suspect the *entire* expedition of sabotage, murder and attempted murder.

Looking at Doctor Costas' personnel file gave Lorne no help. It was the standard file with glowing recommendations from wherever the guy had been before Atlantis. He was the best and brightest.... We were honored to have him on our staff... Dr. Costas is destined for great things... blah, blah, blah... It looked like almost any of the other scientist's file.

Lorne considered asking for permission to dial Earth and see if someone at the SGC could investigate on the other end; maybe someone there could find out the dirt on one Dr. Miles Costas. They couldn't dial Earth for just every little thing, it took too much of their precious ZPM power, but he thought that Dr. Weir would probably approve it this time.

Lorne laid his head down on the desk, shutting his eyes. Just for a moment, he promised himself wearily. Then he'd go see Dr. Weir about getting approval to dial Earth.

"You really should do that in a bed, Major, you'd be more comfortable." The voice of his commanding officer scared the hell out of him, and Lorne cracked his head against the desk when he jerked up.

"Sir?"

Sheppard stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame in that 'I don't have a care in the world, but I'm going to kill you anyway' way he had. Lorne didn't know if it was because he was too tired, but he thought that Sheppard's eyes glittered with a manic light.

"You got everything under control here?" Sheppard asked, for all the world like it was a normal day and he was asking about duty rosters and mission reports. His eyes didn't meet Lorne's. From the preoccupied expression on his face, it was like he was listening to someone else talk to him. Except Lorne knew for a fact that Sheppard's comm was in Lorne's tac vest pocket where Lorne had secreted it when he found it on Sheppard's bedside table on top of Sheppard's copy of War and Peace.

"You all right, sir?" Lorne asked. There was just something off about the man. He couldn't stand still for one thing and his hands had a slight tremor that Lorne had never seen before.

Sheppard laughed, it had a slightly hysterical tone to Lorne's ear. "Doing fine, Major, never better." The colonel smiled brightly and it just wasn't a John Sheppard look. The knot in Lorne's gut twisted a little more.

"Did you ah... get a good's night sleep, sir?" Lorne asked, not sure what answer he expected, but going with his instincts.

Sheppard paused like he was listening, that false smile plastered on his face, "Slept like a baby, Major."

It was the wrong answer. "So, you haven't heard about Dr. McKay?" Lorne waited for something, anything to wipe the damn smile from Sheppard's face.

"McKay?" Sheppard asked lazily. "What's Rodney been up to now?"

Lorne just kept expecting Sheppard to say 'April's Fools' except it wasn't April and this type of practical joke wasn't Sheppard's style at all.

"Dr. McKay's jumper crashed yesterday. Remember?"

There was a flicker of... something across Sheppard's face. It was gone too quickly for Lorne to decide what.

"I remember," Sheppard answered. "But he was doing alright last time I checked. Are *you* alright, Major? You seem a little jumpy today."

It was just creepy the way Sheppard just kept smiling. Lorne needed to make him stop. "Sir, someone tried to kill Dr. McKay a few hours ago in the infirmary."

The news got the desired reaction. Sheppard's whole body jerked upright and he swayed, as if he'd moved too quickly.

"Kill? Someone tried to kill McKay. What happened?" For a moment it was the John Sheppard that Lorne knew, sharp and in command, bad guys beware.

"We're not sure, Doctor Beckett is working on it..."

And just like that Sheppard was gone, replaced by NotSheppard arguing with someone who wasn't there.

"No, we can't leave now. Didn't you just hear?" There was a pause and Lorne listened almost expecting a reply. It was obvious Sheppard didn't like what he heard, "You told me that Rodney was okay, that everyone was okay. You told me not to worry about it, that you were taking care of everything." Sheppard's voice kept rising higher and higher as he argued with someone that wasn't Evan Lorne.

Where had John Sheppard been since Lorne had left him alone watching surveillance footage the previous night?

Before he could say anything else, Sheppard announced, "I've got to go. I've got to make sure McKay's alright." He turned his eyes to Lorne, they were narrowed sharply, "You ah... take care of everything here," Sheppard said and then he was gone before Lorne could ask him where he'd been or what he'd been doing all night.

Lorne didn't like it. It felt like he was tattling on his superior officer, but he tapped the comm at his ear.

"Doc?" he said when he heard the doctor's voice in his ear. "I think you should know that Colonel Sheppard is headed in your direction..."


	7. The Infirmary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Radek rested in the bed, frustrated and ready to be out of the infirmary. It was morning and everyone had things they needed to do that didn't include releasing Radek Zalenka. Carson had left strict orders that he wasn't to go anywhere until Beckett himself had examined him. So Radek tried to be patient and smiled at the nurses as they fussed over him bringing him a breakfast tray piled with his favorites or as they fluffed his pillows for the 43rd time.

Normally he didn't mind a little coddling by the pretty nurses, but today he needed to be out and doing... something. He wasn't completely sure what exactly. It was obvious to him now that someone was indeed trying to kill Rodney. The fact that all the machinery that would have warned the medical staff that McKay had stopped breathing had been turned off was a pretty good indicator that someone was up to no good.

His gaze kept returning to where Rodney lay, silent and still in the bed next to him. The machines were all on now and what they showed wasn't good, if the grim expressions on the faces in the infirmary were any indicator. The fact that Rodney was only breathing because there was a tube down his throat was all Zelenka needed to know. The man lay perfectly still, his face as white as the sheets under him and his chest rose and fell with the rhythm of the machine he was dependant on. It was unnatural.

Rodney McKay was a force of nature that was expressed in the wave of his hands, in the speed of his words, in the non-stop way that he always pushed forward, plowing over objections and whoever got in his way. The man lying motionless in the bed next to Radek scared him. He'd never seen McKay so still. And Radek had seen Rodney sleeping on his keyboard in his lab often enough to know that the man wasn't even that still when he was asleep.

Radek's thoughts kept going in circles as he tried to figure out who would do such a thing. None of the personnel who had been with them from the beginning, that much he was certain of. But there were a lot of new people on Atlantis who had arrived with the Daedalus' last trip. People that none of the original expedition knew anything about yet, except that they had the spirit of exploration that brought them to a new galaxy. Radek had always thought that was an admirable thing.

For himself he couldn't *not* come to Pegasus. Radek had a need to learn and do that had driven him to say yes immediately when Elizabeth Weir had approached him about joining the expedition. Even after he had learned that they might never be able to return to Earth and they had no idea what they would be walking into, Radek had never hesitated about coming to a new galaxy. He had nothing to tie him to Earth and a government that wanted him to pursue weapons research that sickened him.

He was well aware of the irony of the fact that most of what he had done since he arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy had been aimed at weapons and weapons research in their war with the Wraith. But it was a war for the survival of the human race and it felt different than the search for a new and shinier way to blow rivals up that he had known at home in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Now he began to think about the other reasons a person might leave all that they knew on what might be a one-way journey and it frightened him. As much as he wanted to believe in the goodness of his fellow scientists, he wasn't naïve and he knew that many people might be tempted by the chance to get rid of Rodney McKay thinking it might further their own chances for power or fame or just a shot at the pudding cups in the commissary.

Movement at the door drew Radek's attention and he glanced up, glad for a distraction from the dismal circle of his own thoughts. He saw Colonel Sheppard enter. He was cheered to see the colonel. Nothing bad would happen to Rodney with Sheppard at his side. It was very odd though, the man didn't look around the infirmary to smile his flirty smile at the nurses or even acknowledge Zelenka with a wave or a nod. His eyes settled immediately on Rodney's bed. He stood at the doorway in indecision which was something Radek had never seen the man do.

Carson came out of his office then. He spied the colonel standing at the door and hurried over to put a hand on his arm, pulling him into the infirmary. Radek didn't know if the doctor noticed that the colonel flinched when he touched the pilot's arm, but Radek saw. It seemed to him that Sheppard was poised to flee, but he finally gave in and allowed Carson to drag him to McKay's bedside.

"Colonel," the doctor said as they walked, "I'm glad to see you here. I was beginning to think we were going to have to send out a search party for ye."

"What?" Sheppard asked sharply. He was jittery and nervous and his eyes kept searching the room, looking for what, Radek had no idea. "Why would you do that?"

Carson had started to do an examination of Rodney, but he stopped and regarded Sheppard with a keener eye. "Are you feeling well, Colonel?" he enquired. He watched the colonel closely, nothing but concern in his face.

"I'm fine," Sheppard rushed to assure him, a patently false smile flitting across his face. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? What happened to McKay?" He shifted uneasily from foot to foot, his eyes not meeting Carson's.

Carson watched him even closer as he answered, "I was just getting ready to go up to Elizabeth's office and report some of what I've found. Lorne was going to meet us there. Why don't you come with me and then I'll only have to do this once?"

To Radek the colonel looked like a trapped animal with wide eyes and quickened breath.

"No," he said shaking his head quickly, "I don't think I have time for that today. Why don't you just tell me what's going on and then I'll be out of your way?"

Instead of answering his question, the doctor asked one of his own, "Where have you been, Colonel? I was quite surprised when you didn't show up last night when Rodney almost died."

The question was asked with concern, so Sheppard's angry reply came out of nowhere, "I don't have to tell you my business, Doctor," he snarled. "I'm the ranking military officer here and you'll tell me what's going on or I'll..."

The anger was not something that Radek expected from Sheppard. It was all out of proportion to the doctor's question. Instead of being surprised or shocked Carson took it in stride. His eyes did narrow as Sheppard put his shaking hand to his weapon. Radek was astounded to see that the colonel was sweating, little rivulets that rolled down his face to drop to the floor.

"Or you'll do what, Colonel? Shoot me?" He waited for a moment for an answer. Sheppard just stared at him, eyes wild, breathing hard. "What's happened to you, Lad? Let me help you."

"Carson," Sheppard said imploringly, "just tell me what the fuck happened. I need to go now."

Beckett folded his arms and shook his head sadly, "Oh, I don't think so, lad," the doctor said with calm finality. He looked to the door and both Sheppard and Radek turned to follow his gaze.

Radek was surprised to see that a marine had stepped inside the room and appeared to be guarding the entrance. Bigger and wider than Ronon, the man stood solid and imposing as a mountain at the door. Sheppard wet his lips nervously, his gaze flicking back and forth from Beckett to the marine.

"What's going on here, Carson?" Sheppard ground out.

The doctor had long since given up all pretense of examining Rodney. The two men stood staring each other down over McKay's supine, unaware body. It was very surreal.

"Colonel, I don't think you're well," Beckett moved to go around the bed and Sheppard backed away. Carson motioned the marine forward.

The man advanced, watching his superior intently. "Sir?" he said uncertainly.

Sheppard was sweating and his eyes kept focusing on something that wasn't there.

"Just leave me alone," he said, desperation coloring his voice, but his eyes were on the empty air in front of them. "I'll be back, I promise," his tone was one of entreaty, "but I've got to go now." It reminded Radek strongly of Rodney while they were still in the jumper and he kept talking to his hallucination of Samantha Carter.

The soldier threw a WTF look at Beckett who nodded. He put his hand into his pocket and drew out a syringe. "We can't let him leave the infirmary," the doctor told the marine.

The marine took another step forward, "Colonel, I have orders from Major Lorne to detain you here."

Sheppard spat, "Lorne's not in command here, I am and I'm telling you to stand down." The marine took an uncertain step back shooting a glance at the doctor.

"Stay where you are, son," Beckett said at the same time, his voice low and even. "Now, Colonel, do not make this any harder than it has to be."

"Stay away from me, Carson, I don't want to have to hurt you," Sheppard kept backing away, his eyes in constant motion as he checked out the various exits to the infirmary.

For the first time Radek realized that the very busy infirmary was suddenly empty except for the five of them. He gulped as the colonel's grip tightened on his side arm. He didn't draw it, but he flipped back the strap that held it in place.

"Colonel," the marine warned.

"John, don't do anything rash. We're all your friends here," Beckett's voice was the one you used with a crazed animal that was intent on biting your head off. It seemed appropriate to the situation. The doctor moved forward again cautiously and something inside Sheppard snapped and he rushed toward the marine standing between him and freedom.

The marine was ready for him and should have been able to stop him. Sheppard was strong and wiry but the marine was a behemoth and well-trained.

"Sir, I've been ordered to hold you here," he said, his hands held out in a I-don't-want-to-kill-you,-but-I-will-hurt-you-if-I-have-to kind of way. He very obviously didn't want to hurt his superior. Sheppard, it seemed, had no such qualms. The marine grabbed for his arm as the colonel tried to dodge around him.

Whatever was wrong with the colonel, he had been imbued with more strength than he might normally have. When the man grabbed Sheppard, Sheppard twisted the man's arm and then flipped him onto his back. The marine landed on the floor with a pained whump. Sheppard was out the door before either the doctor or Radek could even move. They all heard the click as the door locked behind him.

Radek swore softly in Czech. He asked the room in general, "What is wrong with him?"

Carson shook his head, "Nothing good, I'm sure." He went to give the marine a hand to his feet. "Are you alright, lad?"

"Just my pride bruised, sir, letting an Air Force officer get the best of me like that." There was an odd sort of pride in his voice though. The marine tapped his ear and spoke. "Major Lorne, I got the bug on the colonel, sir. You should be able to track him now."

Beckett bustled to Radek's side. "Let's get you out of here, Radek. We really do have a briefing in Elizabeth's office as soon as we can get there. I've found out what was used on Rodney."


	8. Bugs and Other Nasty Critters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

John ran from the infirmary, thinking 'lock' furiously at the door as he went. He could hardly believe that they had tried to trick him, Lorne and Carson had tried to trap him and keep him from returning to her. Didn't they understand that he had to be with her to survive now?

He ran through the corridors of the city ignoring those that called out to him, ignoring everything in his need to get back to her.

"They don't understand," Grace whispered to him. She ran with him, one hand on his arm. He trembled because while this part of her was beautiful, it wasn't *her* and he needed to be back with her, to feel her wrapped around him. "Didn't I tell you they wouldn't understand? They're trying to keep us apart."

John was so confused. Seeing Rodney so still was strange and frightening. There was a small part of John that screamed that he needed to be with Rodney, Lorne had said someone was trying to kill McKay. But the other part, the part that needed to be with Grace, craved to be with Grace, said that Rodney was better off without him.

He trembled at the thought of Grace, he'd been away from her too long. He didn't know that being away from her would be like this. He was trembling with need, it churned in his stomach and he forced the bile back because he couldn't be sick. It would slow him down and they would force him back to the infirmary where Carson would strap him down and keep him away from her.

"Sh..." she said soothingly, "I'm waiting for you. I know what you need, John. Rodney doesn't know what you need, but I do."

She did. She had filled him like Rodney never had, she took him and made him complete. He made it to the transporter and slapped the map. The doors shut behind him with finality as the transporter took him to her.

~~~~~

The doctor's exam was quick and efficient. It took longer for Radek to disable the door that the colonel had locked behind him when he made his escape. But all too soon they were sitting in the conference room. Solemn faces turned to one another seeking answers where there weren't any.

While Radek had spent the night in sedated sleep, the faces around him reflected the worry and stress of the night before. Elizabeth's face was pinched with dark circles under her eyes. Carson looked like he hadn't been near a razor in days and Lorne... Well, the major was unsmiling and sat with his whole body taut and tense.

Radek couldn't remember ever seeing him so tightly wound, not even after that first mission when they all thought he might shoot McKay. Radek most definitely didn't giggle when it crossed his mind how ironic it would be to have the person in charge of the investigation that had at one time been the person most likely to try and kill Rodney himself. They had lost Ford and gained Ronon that day and really it wasn't funny at all.

Elizabeth wasted no time in getting the meeting started. "Do we have any idea what's wrong with John?"

"I had cousin who was an addict. The colonel was like that, jittery and out of control. And he did not act like himself," Radek said.

Lorne nodded in agreement, "You're telling me? I don't think I've ever met the man that was in my office this morning. It was weird; it was almost like there was someone else with him."

Elizabeth took it all in. She turned to the doctor, "Carson, were you able to get anything while he was in the infirmary?"

Carson shook his head, "He was nae himself, that is for sure. When I took his pulse while I had his arm, it was very fast and thready, definitely off. I had an Ancient scanner set up next to Rodney's bed and was able to get a few readings but they make no sense."

"Carson?" she leaned forward.

"His brain chemistry was all over the place – his pulse was up, his blood pressure was down. If I did not know better, I would say that he *was* a junkie looking for a fix. But how would he got a drug overnight that would affect him this strongly so quickly?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Radek answered with a wave of his hand that encompassed the city, "10,000 year old city we live in on the top of the ocean. Who knows what else we have not found?"

Elizabeth nodded, rubbing her head tiredly, "Major, do we know where the colonel is going?"

Lorne shook his head unhappily. He didn't like the fact that they had tagged his commanding officer like an animal, but he had to face the fact that they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him until they knew where he had been.

When Sheppard had stood in Lorne's office, he*had* reminded Lorne of an addict who was too long from his last fix – his jittery movements, his shaking hands, the glassy stare. They needed to know where he'd been and what kind of Ancient device he had been interacting with. Lorne would have preferred to follow Sheppard himself, but there was another crisis and he knew that Sheppard in his right mind would have ordered Lorne to make sure that McKay stayed safe. So Lorne was letting someone else follow Sheppard while he was trying to figure out who and why someone would want to murder Rodney McKay.

"He doesn't know he's been tagged, Ma'am, so hopefully he'll lead my men back to where ever he's been all night and we can figure out what has affected him."

She nodded her approval and turned to the doctor, "Carson, you said you know what happened to Rodney?"

Carson stood and surveyed their faces for a moment. With a deep breath he began. "I'm sure you all remember the Iratus bug from last year?"

Radek shuddered at the memory. Those had been the longest 38 minutes of his life and he hadn't been the one stuck in a puddle jumper in an event horizon. Perhaps McKay should stay out of puddle jumpers. It might be safer for him.

"That thing that almost killed the colonel when you guys first got here? I read the mission report." Lorne said. Radek forget sometimes that Lorne himself was new to Atlantis. He just fit in so well; it only felt like he'd been there with them since the beginning.

"That would be the one," the doctor nodded. "Another team was able to recover one of them for us to study."

"You have one in Atlantis?" Radek was horrified. He hadn't actually seen one, just heard Rodney's description and it was enough to give him nightmares.

"It was dead," Carson assured Radek quickly. "We need to study as much of the indigenous life of the Pegasus Galaxy as we can. Our own lives may depend on it someday," Carson said in response to Radek's shocked gasp. "If we had known more about it at the time, the colonel might not have had to have his heart stopped in order to save his life. We might have known how..."

"Carson," Elizabeth held up a hand to stop his impassioned speech, "do we have time for this?"

Carson stopped, face turning red, "No, uhm, sorry." He cleared his throat and slid a small glare to Radek.

Radek just shrugged. He understood the need to do research. But the Iratus bugs were scary. Still, if they let the fact that things were scary stop them, they'd better just pack the city up and go back to Earth, because everything in Pegasus was scary. He didn't tell Carson that though.

"As I was saying, we had one of the nasty little buggers to study. It uses a natural paralyzing agent to incapacitate its victims initially so it can begin feeding. Someone injected that agent into Rodney's lungs last night. It paralyzed them, causing him to stop breathing. If we hadn't gotten to him immediately and intubated him... Well, we'd be planning a funeral today."

Elizabeth's face reflected the horror the rest of them were feeling. "Carson, who would have access to that research?"

Carson looked old and weary, Radek thought, weighed down by responsibility and guilt, "Elizabeth, we do put safeguards on our research, we do," Carson told her, "but you've got to understand that there are a lot of smart people here. And we've never really thought about the fact that we might not trust our own. Most of our safeguards are for safety's sake, not to keep someone out... Someone who was really determined would have been able to get through our codes and our locks."

"Carson," Elizabeth reached across the table and put her hand on his, "this is something we do not want to ever have to think about. When this is over we'll look at the security of the base and make sure nothing like this can ever happen again, but for now we have to figure out who and why. Major, can you help us with that?"

They all turned to Lorne. "Ma'am," he said slowly, licking lips that were suddenly dry. "I do have an idea, but I don't have any real proof." He clicked the keys on the lap top in front of him that would pull up the security footage that he had ready for them all to see.

They watched the innocuous footage that showed the geeky unknown scientist going into the puddle jumper and then a little while later, he exited.

"No," Radek leaned forward to see the figure better, "what is he doing in puddle jumper?" He looked over at Elizabeth and Lorne, "This is Dr. Costas. Rodney has not cleared him to work on toilets yet, much less puddle jumpers."

"I told you I needed to talk to him last night," Lorne said to no one at all. "So, he wants to kill McKay so that he can work on puddle jumpers?" he asked puzzled.

Radek liked Lorne's quirky sense of humor, the just-off-to-the-left way he looked at things. The things that happened in Pegasus never seemed to rattle the man and Radek admired that. Radek worked with high-strung scientists where everything from running out of coffee to the next invasion by the wraith was drama, so Lorne's low-key approach to things was refreshing.

"No, no, he wants to kill Rodney so he can have his job," Elizabeth surprised them all by answering.

"Ma'am?" Lorne quirked an eyebrow.

"I can't tell you how many emails I get from Rodney's people who tell me they wouldn't have his job for any amount of money. Oh, they complain about him, certainly, but most of his department admires Rodney and knows that we wouldn't be alive today if not for him."

Radek nodded his agreement to Elizabeth's words. She smiled at him before continuing.

"But from the day that Dr. Costas arrived he's sent me memo after memo detailing all of the reasons why Rodney McKay should not be in charge of the science division here on Atlantis. In fact he says that Rodney is a danger to the city and everyone around him." Indignation crept into Elizabeth's voice and Radek had to bite his tongue to keep from defending Rodney. McKay didn't need defending to any of these people. They knew all about Rodney McKay and his strange mixture of bravado and heroism.

"So, murder is a bit of an extreme way to get a promotion, but it's not unheard of," Lorne mused. "Still how do we prove it? This," he waved at the screen to indicate the security tape, "is circumstantial at best. Without some sort of evidence, I don't know how we're going to..."

"Major," Radek couldn't believe what he was going to suggest, but desperate times and all that, "would it help if Dr. Costas were to confess?"

They all looked at Radek and he had to work not to grin at them. What he was going to suggest was dangerous for him personally, but he was willing to take the risk. It wasn't like he was going to go to the bottom of the ocean in a puddle jumper after all.


	9. The Sting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

It was quiet in the labs. Much quieter than Dr. Miles Costas had expected it to be. He hadn't really expected a party or cries of 'Ding, Dong the Witch is dead.' But he had expected a little less of the depressed silence that filled the place. There was even evidence of red eyes and an occasional sniffle could be heard. Somehow he'd never really expected anyone to mourn Rodney McKay's passing.

Looking around the lab, he saw that the people who were the most obviously upset were those who had been with the expedition since the beginning. He had read the reports; they'd literally been through hell together. He guessed he could understand some of their upset; it was a weird kind of Stockholm Syndrome. They'd lived their lives in fear of Dr. Rodney McKay so long they'd come to depend on it. They couldn't imagine how they would function without that fear to motivate them. Soon enough they'd see that their life would be better off without him.

The man was a menace whose leadership style had been a combination of lording it over his people and instilling abject fear into them. Not a day went by when there wasn't a screaming match between McKay and one of his 'minions' as he called them. Now that McKay was gone, they would see that Dr. Miles Costas was the better man. He could think rings around McKay and people liked him better. Soon enough they wouldn't even remember the name of Dr. Rodney McKay on Atlantis.

Miles sat at his desk and sipped his coffee with a self-satisfied air. He pulled up the note from Dr. Weir again reading it through –

_It is with a deep sense of sadness and heartfelt grief that I must inform you all that Atlantis has lost her greatest citizen today. Early this morning Dr. Rodney McKay died of injuries sustained in the crash of the puddle jumper that he was testing. While he was rescued through the heroic efforts of Colonel John Sheppard and Dr. Radek Zelenka, Rodney's injuries were just too severe. He was pronounced dead early this morning by Dr. Carson Beckett, CMO._

I am sure I do not need to remind you all of the many times that Rodney displayed extraordinary bravery and leadership in the times of crisis that we have known here on Atlantis. Many of us would not be alive today if it were not for his courage and his leadership. He will be sorely missed.

As soon as arrangements have been made for a memorial service, I will notify you of those details. I know that I am not alone when I say that we will all miss Rodney and will remember him with gratitude and love.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir

Everything was going just as he'd hoped. Costas had been a little apprehensive that his plan had been foiled when he monitored all of the excitement in the infirmary almost immediately after he had left. Then there hadn't been any word for hours afterward. It wasn't until Weir's message had appeared in his email inbox that he had started to relax.

He sipped his coffee and daydreamed a little about how he would reorder the department. Of course there was still the matter of Zelenka, but Miles didn't really think he would be a problem. Radek was more suited to be a follower. Once Miles was given the opportunity to show his leadership abilities, he was sure that Weir and Zelenka would defer to him. It was only Rodney McKay who had stood in his way and now McKay was gone.

There was a stir at the door and Miles looked up to see Radek Zelenka himself make his entrance. Clutching a coffee cup to him, Radek smiled at those who patted his arm as he passed and stopped to murmur to this one and that one. Finally he made it to his place next to Miles and dropped gratefully into his chair.

Radek was sure that the beating of his heart could be heard by everyone in the room. He did his best not to let his nervousness show on his face. There was so much at stake, not the least of which was Rodney's life if he failed to get Costas to confess to what he had done.

Radek was a scientist. He abhorred jumping to conclusions without the proper research and extensive testing. But the more Radek thought about it, the more certain he was that Costas was guilty. There had been no reason for him to be in the jumpers. Rodney had expressly forbid the man to go near the jumpers saying they'd probably fall out of the sky if he ever set foot in them. It had a certain poetic irony that Costas had chosen the jumpers as his vehicle to gain revenge on Rodney for slights real or imagined.

The two had been at one another's throats the second Costas had stepped foot in Atlantis. Costas thought that Rodney didn't give him the proper respect he was owed as a scientist – which was true as far as it went. Rodney didn't trust or respect any of the newly arrived staff on Atlantis, even if he had chosen most of them himself. He said that it was easy to put things on paper. It was what you did while you were on Atlantis that was important. You had to earn Rodney McKay's respect and once you'd earned it, you felt like you'd actually done something.

Costas hadn't seen it that way. He thought that everyone should bow to his will from the beginning. He had nothing but contempt for Rodney and the way things worked in Atlantis and he set about 'correcting' that, which only added fuel to Rodney's fire. Costas didn't have hot water or lights in his quarters his whole first week in the city.

For his part, Costas was vocal about what he thought of Rodney McKay and his genius. Radek was embarrassed for Costas whenever he would go into one of his tirades against Rodney and whatever perceived injustice McKay had shown him that day. The man just didn't understand that it only made him look petty and immature because Rodney was always right when he eviscerated one of his staff. But there were always one or two scientists that Rodney had also pissed who would agree with Costas and they would grumble in a corner together. It was annoying and Radek had felt like kicking Costas off the highest tower himself a few times. But Radek had never imagined in his wildest nightmares that Costas was capable of murder.

Of course Rodney *had* to egg him on and would say and do things just to agitate the man. There'd been a whole week when Costas had been relegated to monitoring power levels of the sewage system because Rodney said that was all he was fit to do. Radek had tried to talk him out of it, but Rodney had insisted that Costas had to know who was boss. It looked like Rodney's plan had backfired.

Radek took a deep breath as he approached his own work station. Costas was already there at his own place, concentrating intently on whatever was on his computer screen.

"It is very distressing, no?" Radek said to Miles as he sat, his voice low. The two of them were in a corner of the lab, separated a little from all the rest of the scientists.

Miles just regarded Radek with a level stare, "Do you really think I'm going to say that I'll miss the man? You would never believe me."

Something that might resemble a smile tugged at Radek's lips, "You are always honest. This is a good quality." Radek booted up his own computer and said in a voice pitched for only Miles to hear, "Perhaps now we can get some real work done with McKay gone. It is time that change has come."

Miles went still. Radek had the same volatile relationship with McKay that everyone else did, and Miles had always had the feeling that Radek resented the other man's tyrannical attitude as much as Miles himself did. There had been more than once when he had seen McKay berating Zelenka for work that was far more than outstanding. But Zelenka had never been man enough to do anything about it, he had allowed himself to be overshadowed by the other man, just like everyone else on Atlantis.

"Sometimes if you want change, you have to make it happen for yourself," Miles said, his voice pitched as low as Radek's had been.

Taking a sip of his coffee, Radek nearly scalded himself when he gulped instead. He couldn't believe that it was going to be this easy. He'd known that Costas had an ego that rivaled Rodney's. Radek had thought that the man wouldn't be able to pass up the chance to *tell* someone what he had done. Radek had just thought he was going to have work a little harder to get the information from him.

"Still, it is very tragic, what has happened to Rodney," Radek said slowly, sipping at his coffee, "But work must go on." Radek lifted his eyes to Miles thoughtfully, doing his best to radiate 'you can trust me.' "Perhaps you could help me with project I am working on?"

Miles entire body puffed with pride right before Radek's eyes. "Well, of course," he said mildly, "if you think you can trust me. I know that Dr. McKay never thought he could."

Radek let his lips curve into a smile, it was false he knew, but it was the best he could manage under the circumstances, "Well, I guess it is a good thing that Rodney is dead now. Yes?" Radek had to work hard to calm his breathing. He was so nervous, he feared he might hyperventilate. And that would not look good in an evil mastermind – to pass out or have to breathe into a paper bag. Oh, wait, Rodney did both of those things. Somehow it helped Radek regain his calm. He smiled at Miles, this time a more natural smile.

"Come with me," Radek said as he stood, gesturing toward Rodney's inner sanctum with a nod of his head. "McKay is not here to keep us out of 'his' lab."

Miles swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. Rodney's lab was only open to a select few. Radek was allowed in, but only if McKay had need of him. The person who had the most access was Colonel John Sheppard of all people. God knew what they did in there. Miles suspected, but he hadn't said anything out loud because everyone respected Sheppard and he didn't want to get his ass kicked for implying that Sheppard and McKay were knocking boots.

Miles stood and followed Radek as the man led him to the door that few ever went through. The door swished open for them as they approached, just like that. And Miles stepped through into the lab of his dreams.

McKay had all of the choicest of the Ancient devices sequestered in his lab. He told everyone it was for 'safety's sake' but Miles knew it was so that he could keep all the best discoveries for himself, making certain that no one but Rodney McKay got to do any of the important work. Well, now it was Miles Costas' turn. His fingers itched to begin working with the Ancient devices that were scattered around, but Zelenka waved him to a chair and poured a cup of coffee from the pot that was sitting hot and fresh. Costas eyed the machine covetously. It was the expensive kind with a timer. McKay must have set it to brew a fresh pot every morning.

Miles sat, taking the proffered cup of coffee, staring hungrily at the things that were now within his reach.

"Ah, is good to be alone. No?" Radek smiled at Miles, pouring a cup of coffee for himself. "We may talk more freely now."

Miles was more than curious about what Radek had to say. For his part, Radek beamed at Miles, not at all the picture of the grieving co-worker who had entered the lab minutes before. "I must confess to some curiosity about what has caused the jumper to crash," Radek said, sipping at his own coffee.

Miles inhaled he aroma of the cup in his hand. It was rumored that McKay had secret dealings with someone on the Daedalus crew who smuggled in the good stuff for him. Miles just knew that the coffee in the mess hall never smelled this good.

"You don't think it was just an accident?" Miles asked mildly, letting the other man talk.

Now that they were alone, Radek huffed, "I did repairs, remember? I do not think it was 'accident'." He sat for a minute holding his cup, studying Miles intently. Miles let the silence hang between them. "When Elizabeth asks me what I think happened, she is so sad." Radek rolled his eyes. "I tell her that accidents happen," he shrugged. "Jumper is on the bottom of ocean, who is to say what happened? Is very tragic, yes?"

Miles was getting tired of humoring Zelenka already. He longed more than anything to begin work on the tantalizing things he could see scattered around the lab. He longed to open up McKay's computer and find the projects he'd been working on. But he knew he had to be patient. He had to look interested. Soon enough he would be in charge and he could assign Zelenka to projects far, far away. Where he'd never have to listen to him babble in his Czech accent again. "What do you think happened?" he asked cautiously.

Radek put down his cup and leaned in close even though there was no one else in the room save the two of them. "I did repairs on Jumper Six. I thought all was repaired but perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I did not want everything to be repaired..." There was a suggestive tone to Radek's voice.

"Are you saying that you...?" Miles couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Well, not intentionally, but Rodney is irritating little man, perhaps I am hoping to hurt him a little. I could not think to actually kill him. This is just lucky happenstance in the infirmary. Or maybe Carson also is hoping to get rid of McKay." He picked up his coffee and sipped it, speculation in his eyes.

Miles knew he should let it go. Radek thought that *he* had killed McKay. Miles could use that; threaten to tell Dr. Weir if Radek ever got in the way of Miles' plans. Except...

"Oh, no, your repairs were fine," Miles said casually.

"Yes?" Radek blinked at him in surprise. "And you know this because...?" The question in Radek's voice was also a challenge. "Since you were not allowed near the jumpers," he said stiffly. Oh, it was definitely a challenge.

"Well, you don't actually have to be *in* the jumpers to learn about them. You know there are other people with access who will let a friend borrow schematics to study," Miles told him smugly.

Radek nodded thoughtfully, "This is true."

"As for getting near the jumpers, it's not like they're guarded at all. Anyone can just walk in there. It's amazing where you can go with a tool box and a computer."

Radek licked his lips, nervously, "What are you saying?"

"You might have wished Rodney McKay dead, but I'm the one who actually made it happen," Miles told him unequivocally. He couldn't believe the rush of power that came with actually saying the words, telling someone else what he had done.

"If this is true, then you have done us great favor." Miles didn't miss the stress on the 'if,' as if there could be any doubt. "How?" Radek's demanded his eyes narrowed with suspicion. He was a scientist and as a scientist wasn't going to believe Miles until he was given the proof.

"It wasn't that hard to reprogram the drive pods to reverse at a certain point in the test flight," Miles told Radek with great delight.

Radek's nodded thoughtfully. "But you could not be sure that crash would kill Rodney," he pointed out.

Miles allowed Radek to have the upper hand. Soon enough the roles would be reversed and he would make Radek pay for his superior attitude.

"That is true," Miles agreed, keeping his voice pleasant and even. "But it *might* have killed him and then it would be over. If not," Miles always had his game planned three moves in advance, "I knew he would end up in the infirmary where I could enact the next part of my plan."

Even as he spoke, Miles was planning ahead. Radek might not be the best choice for his second in command of science. Radek was headstrong; he argued with Rodney McKay, chances were good he would be arguing with Miles. And Miles couldn't allow that. But he couldn't get rid of the man too soon. It would look suspicious coming so quickly on the heels of Rodney's demise, but soon, soon. There were a lot of dangerous things on Atlantis. Accidents happened all the time.

"What did you do?" Radek asked, his voice was a bare whisper.

Miles was enjoying himself. He had Radek's attention, the man's eyes were wide and frightened and it gave Miles a feeling of power. Radek knew what he had done and he was afraid of him. "Security here is a joke. It wasn't hard to steal the Iratus bug serum from the medlab. It's the perfect way to kill someone, you know. It metabolizes very quickly in the body. If you don't do the tests right away, all traces of it are gone. No one will ever know what or who killed Rodney McKay." Miles leaned back enjoying the warmth of the coffee in his hand, waiting for Radek's reaction with glee.

Miles hoped for admiration of his brilliant plan, maybe some fear, what he got was anything but. Radek transformed right before his eyes.

He stood, glowering down at Miles, his eyes becoming hard and cold, his mouth pressed into a straight disapproving line, "But you see the tests were done right away and we know what, and now who tried to kill Rodney. Dr. Costas, I am relieving you of your position here on Atlantis, you will be submitting to the authorities and sent to Earth to face charges for murder, sabotage, and attempted murder."

There was a rushing in his ears so loud that for a moment Miles couldn't hear anything else. He sat frozen, staring stupidly at Zelenka's accusing face. Rage filled him, more rage than he had ever felt at Rodney McKay. Radek had deceived him. He couldn't believe that he had fallen for Radek's subterfuge; he'd played right into the other man's hands telling him everything the authorities would need to know to convict him of sabotage and murder.

The door to the lab slid open behind them. Miles twisted to see Major Lorne standing there, his eyes cold and hard. They immediately sought out Miles and pinned him in place with their ferocity. He was followed closely by a pair of very official looking military types. Miles could see the rest of the scientists standing back, peering curiously into the lab trying to see what was happening, then the door closed and Miles was alone with Lorne and his guards and Radek.

Miles' beautiful plan was falling down around his ears and it was all Radek Zelenka's fault. The man had as much to gain with McKay's death as Miles did. He should have been rejoicing at his death, not helping to trap Miles.

"No," Miles was furious, "you will not betray me this way." He would not allow the other scientist the satisfaction of seeing him brought to 'justice' for the supposed crime of ridding the world of Rodney McKay. He did them a favor and now they were spitting in his face. Well, they'd pay for it, starting with one Dr. Radek Zelenka.

He stood, sliding a hand under his lab coat. Before Lorne and his men could get any closer, Miles pulled out the gun he had hidden there. It hadn't been easy to get the gun from the armory. Security was much tighter there than it was in the med labs, but he'd been patient and at last he had 'obtained' a weapon.

Lorne drew his own weapon as Miles pulled a startled Radek in front of him. He jammed the gun into Radek's head.

Lorne and his men froze, "Just put down the weapon, Doc, and no one will get hurt."

Miles was shaking in his fury, "Do I look stupid? You put down your weapon or I'm going to start shooting people, starting with Zelenka here."

"You do not want to do that," Zelenka said, his voice cracked and Miles took an inordinate amount of satisfaction at the man's terror.

"Don't tell me what I want to do," Miles spat, jamming the gun into Radek's temple as hard as he could.

"No, no," Radek babbled, "would not presume to tell you what to do."

"I will tell you what to do," Lorne barked, his weapon steady on Costas. "Let Radek go now."

"And what?" Miles snarled. "You'll let me go? You'll grant me leniency? I don't think so. This piece of garbage is all that's keeping me alive right now. Don't think I don't know that your Colonel Sheppard will probably kill me for daring to kill his darling McKay."

"Rodney is not dead," Radek said unable to resist the jibe at the man. "You have failed in that."

"What?" Miles couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. "You. Are. Lying."

"Oh, no," Lorne said, rocking back, his weapon held steady on Miles. "Dr. McKay is going to be fine. Thanks to Radek here, Doctor Beckett was able to get to him in time. Guess your little plan was all for nothing." Lorne smiled at Miles, it was a cold deadly smile.

Miles heard the satisfaction in Lorne's voice. He didn't want to believe them, but really, in the end, it didn't matter. Because he'd tried to kill McKay, he had killed Griffin. For those things alone he would be facing years in prison if not a death sentence. He was going down any way he looked at it and so, he decided, was anyone else he could take with him.

He locked eyes with Lorne. Perhaps the other man saw the intent in Miles' eyes because Miles saw him pull the trigger on his weapon as Miles squeezed the trigger of his. Time slowed down and Miles could see the bullet as it sped its way from Lorne's gun. He had time to figure angles and trajectories and he knew that he was going to be dead soon. He just hoped that he took Radek with him into death.

Costas' finger tightened on the trigger of the 9 mil that he had shoved into Radek's head hard enough that Lorne could see it pressing into the scientist's flesh from where he stood.

Evan was a pretty good judge of human nature and it was his opinion that Dr. Miles Costas was off his rocker. He had a bad feeling about letting Radek go into the lab alone and try to draw the other man out when Zelenka had proposed it. But it was the quickest, best way to get a confession out of the man; Lorne had finally allowed himself to be persuaded. Now, he watched as Costas' finger tightened on the trigger and Lorne knew it was all going to hell right in front of his eyes.

Costas was a little taller than Radek and Lorne was a fair shot. Not as good as Sheppard, but few people were. Still Lorne thought with a little luck it might still all come out right in the end. Not pausing to think about it, Lorne lined up the shot and pulled the trigger hoping that Radek didn't move, hoping that Costas didn't move, hoping that no one breathed wrong because he was only going to get one shot and everything had to go exactly right.

The twin shots were deafening. The reverberations bounced around the room. It was impossible to tell who had fired first.

There was a spray of blood.

Costas and Radek both went down.

Lorne couldn't tell if Radek had been hit or if the weight of Costas body was pulling him down with it.

"Major, what's happening in there?" Elizabeth's terse voice in his ear was one more thing that Lorne didn't need at the moment.

"I'll tell you when I know, Ma'am," he said curtly before cutting her off. He clicked his com again yelling, "Medical emergency in the science labs."

He didn't even remember running across the labs to fall to his knees at Zelenka's side. The Czech scientist lay motionless on the floor, covered in blood.


	10. Back to the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

The water in the puddle jumper was ankle deep and getting deeper by the minute. Rodney huddled on the seat poking at his workbook trying to get it to do something, anything, besides eat up his precious power supply.

Sam sat on the seat opposite him, idly kicking her foot back and forth, stirring the water. She looked up at him and frowned.

"Tell me again why we're here?"

"Do you mean in the metaphysical 'why are we here' sense? Or in the 'why are at the bottom of the ocean in a leaky puddle jumper' sense?" Rodney asked without even looking up at her.

He did sneak a glance at her in time to see a constipated look flit across her face before she answered, "The second one, McKay. This isn't right."

He stood unable to contain his anger any longer, "Well of course it isn't right. I shouldn't be stuck down here in a leaky puddle jumper with a hallucination who won't even take her clothes off for me..."

"We've been over this, McKay, it's not actually me down here with you."

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney rubbed a tired hand across his eyes and winced when he encountered his wound. He sat, the brief tirade draining his own limited amount of energy. "I'm you," his hand flipped between them, "you're me. Something like that. Still, as hallucinations go, you suck." His eyes met her challenging.

Sam smirked at him in a fair imitation of John Sheppard.

"Don't do that," he said, feeling suddenly like there wasn't enough air in the jumper. Maybe the CO2 scrubbers were malfunctioning again.

"Do what?" she asked, all innocence with her pink jacket and her blonde hair.

"Don't be him." Rodney stood and started checking the crystals in the upper panel because he couldn't stand to see her gazing at him with that knowing look in her eyes.

"Oh, come on, McKay, I'm your subconscious remember? I know all the stuff you're hiding from yourself. And if you're going to die down here, you'd rather he be here, wouldn't you?" She had moved up behind him, he could practically feel the heat from her body. Except it wasn't Sam anymore. The person behind him now was taller and broader. There were a man's hands on his shoulders and a man's voice in his ear. "Come on, McKay, wouldn't you rather spend your last minutes with me?"

"No!" Rodney whirled and pushed John away. John stumbled back and fell onto his ass in the water. He stared up at Rodney in astonishment. "Fuck... No, I don't want you down here. Now just leave me alone." He turned back to the display.

"Hey, Rodney, I'm sorry," it was Sam's voice again. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Rodney swallowed. "I know you meant well. Just... don't. Okay?"

He turned to see her sitting in the water in the exact place John had landed. He reached out a hand for her. "Now are you going to help me, or what?"

She took the hand and let him pull her up. The second she stood she was dry again. He was cold and soaked through and it pissed him off that she didn't look the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Of course she was him, and she knew what he was thinking, "Hallucination, remember?"

"How can I forget with you reminding me every ten seconds?" He glared at her, which made him feel the slightest bit better. He sat and began working on his workpad trying to find some way to rescue himself. He felt her gaze on him and he lifted his eyes to find her studying him intently.

"Are you going to help me or are you just going to stand there and watch?" he snapped.

She chewed on her lip, "The thing is, McKay, I thought you'd already been rescued."

"I...? What?" Rodney stared at her. "Hello? I'm the one with the concussion, remember?"

She moved to sit next to him, "No, listen, McKay. You were, you were rescued. Sheppard and Zelenka came to get you in another jumper. Think."

Rodney tried to think, but his headache was getting worse and his thoughts kept sliding away.

"Sheppard? And Zelenka?" Rodney shook his head slightly, careful to keep the move slow so as not to make his headache worse than it already was. "Radek wouldn't come down here. He's terrified of flying and he doesn't know how to swim. Why do you think I'm the one down here in the first place?"

But he did kind of remember something. John and Zelenka... They used the cloak as a shield. He couldn't quite get the memories to stay straight, they kept sliding away even as he tried to grasp at them.

"But then why am I still here?" he asked plaintively.

"That's what I wanted to know," Sam smiled at him brightly.

"Oh, god, I'm dead, aren't I?" he dropped the workpad so he could pace in the small space afforded by the flooded jumper. "I'm dead and this is what? Hell? I'm going to be stuck here in my worst nightmare for all of eternity?" His voice got progressively higher as he imagined it.

"Hey!" Sam cried in protest.

He stopped and stared at her, "Hallucination, remember?" he reminded her. He sat.

"What?" she asked alarmed as his breathing hitched and he clutched his chest.

"I... I can't breathe," he got out. "It's like there's something..."

Everything faded to black around him.

When Rodney opened his eyes again, the jumper was gone, the water was gone, but he was sure he was dying. He couldn't breathe, there was something down his throat and there were alarms going off all around him. He struggled to be free, to escape from the noise, to pull in a breath.

"Rodney." The voice speaking to him was familiar at least. But Rodney couldn't think who it was. He didn't know where he was, didn't they know he couldn't breathe? He tried to lift his hands to pull out whatever it was that was keeping him from breathing.

"Rodney," the voice was insistent and there were hands on him now, holding him down as he struggled to be free. A face swam into view. Rodney blinked trying to focus. "Rodney, you've got to calm down. I'll take the tube out, but you've got to be calm. Blink if you understand me."

Carson. It was Carson.

Rodney blinked at him. Anything to get the thing out of his throat.

"Alright, that's good, Rodney, now just give me a moment here."

Rodney wanted to tell him that he was a damn liar, it took a lot longer than a moment before Carson told him to cough and then the tube was coming out. Rodney desperately sucked in huge lungfuls of air.

"Easy, easy," Carson said gently.

And it did feel like it was getting easier. Carson held a cup with a straw to let him drink a little to soothe the fiery dryness of his throat. Rodney laid back at last, exhaustion sweeping over him.

"Wha' happened?" he managed to croak out.

Carson smiled, "We thought we lost you there for a while. But you're going to be fine now," he hurried to reassure his patient when the heart monitor picked up its pace.

Rodney tried to think, to figure out what was happening, but he was so tired. His eyes shut almost of their own accord.

"You sleep now," he heard Carson say. "You're going to be fine."

Rodney floated, trying to make sense of it all. He knew he should be worried when he heard "Medical emergency in the science lab," but he was already so far gone into sleep that he didn't stir when Carson left his side.


	11. Amazing Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Carson was getting damn tired of having conferences outside of his infirmary. He just wanted time to sit down and have a cup of tea, maybe write up his notes on everything that had happened. But there was no time for rest now. He still had patients, he still had people depending on him.

He pushed through the door to find Lorne and Elizabeth sitting in the hallway outside the infirmary, anxiously waiting for him, just where he knew they would be.

"Carson?" Elizabeth asked quietly, worry lining her face. Carson wouldn't be surprised if they weren't all aged well beyond their years after the past few days. Who needed the Wraith to suck the life from you when you had someone trying to kill your friends?

"He's fine, Elizabeth," Carson hurried to reassure her. "The bullet just grazed Radek's temple. I'm going to keep him here under observation for a bit because he's had quite the shock to his system, but really, he's fine."

Elizabeth sat, her knees giving out under her.

"That's good to hear, Doc," Lorne said. His face was unnaturally pale and drawn, too. "There was so much blood."

Carson had to smile at that. The military always wanted everyone to think they were so tough, but show them a little blood and they crumbled. "Head wounds do tend to bleed a lot," he said, "but most of the blood was from Dr. Costas."

Lorne nodded, still a little dazed himself.

"Dr. Costas is dead?" Elizabeth looked up at Lorne. No matter that they had almost lost two valued members of the expedition and friends, business had to go on. No one knew that better than Elizabeth Weir.

"Yes, Ma'am, I'm sorry," Lorne said, his voice hard. He didn't appear to be that sorry at all. "He grabbed Radek, when I entered the room. I tried to talk him down, but it wasn't getting through to him. I took the only shot I had, it was necessary to save Dr. Zelenka's life."

Elizabeth met his eyes straight on, "You did what you had to do, Major."

Lorne nodded again.

"I wish we could all take a moment and breathe, but we still have Colonel Sheppard out there who needs us right now. Lorne do you know anything more?" Elizabeth folded her hands in her lap and just like that she was back in charge of herself and the situation.

"Yes, Ma'am, I've had my men tracking him. He's in a lab in a part of the city we haven't searched yet. I've got some of the science team searching the database, but... Doc," he turned to Carson, "I could really use Zelenka's help on this as soon as he's able to be released."

Carson sighed disapprovingly. The emergencies on Atlantis didn't respect his patient's needs for recovery time. "I'll release him as soon as I can."

Lorne flashed him a tight smile, knowing that the doctor was doing his job to keep his patients safe, "That's all I can ask. Ma'am," he nodded at Elizabeth. "Doc, I'm going to see what I can find out about the colonel. I'll report as soon as I know something." Lorne strode briskly down the hall, quickly disappearing around the corner.

"Can I see Radek?" Elizabeth asked hopefully.

"He's sleeping right now, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you sat with him for just a wee bit." He turned to usher Elizabeth into the infirmary. "In all the excitement I forget to tell you that Rodney woke up."

Elizabeth smiled, "That's the best news I've heard all day."

Carson could only agree with her.

~~~~~

Lorne hurried away from the infirmary wanting nothing more than to see Radek once before he left. He didn't even have to close his eyes to be able see Zelenka the way he had been lying motionless on the lab floor covered in blood. He needed to see Radek alive before he was going to be able to banish that image from his nightmares. There just wasn't time. Something was very wrong with Sheppard. Even if Sheppard hadn't been Lorne's friend, which he was, as acting military commander of Atlantis it was Lorne's duty to get to Sheppard and do whatever he could to help him.

Using the transporter, it didn't take him long to get to the hallway where Cadman was waiting. It was an area of the city that had been damaged by the flooding where the shield had failed when the expedition arrived two years before. The smell of mold and disuse was strong in the air. There was green slimy mold on the floor and it sucked at Lorne's feet as he made his way down the hall.

Cadman stood guard outside the door to the room where Sheppard was supposed to be holed up.

"Markham?" Lorne asked looking around for the other man.

"He's with the science guys searching the labs trying to figure out what this area was used for," she answered keeping her voice low. No use tipping Sheppard to the fact that they were in the vicinity before they had to.

"Anything?" Lorne asked nodding at the door.

Cadman shook her head and held out the life signs detector for him. It lit up when Lorne took it, but the only life signs it showed was accounted for by his people and the search teams in the area.

"And you're sure he's in here?"

She shrugged, "That's what the tracker says. I suppose he could have ditched it here and moved on before we got here, but the only way to find out for sure is to go inside."

Lorne paused, sorting and discarding strategies. "Do we have a clue what else might be in there?"

The area showed up as a big blank on their sensors. Because of the flood damage nothing was working and it hadn't been a high priority area for their search and repair teams. It occurred to Evan that there could be whole troupes of enemy Wraith or Genii housed there and the city would never know it until they attacked.

Cadman shook her head, "We've got the science teams scouting the adjacent labs and they've got some guys going through the database, but they haven't turned up anything yet."

Which was nothing that Lorne didn't already know. He scrubbed a hand through his hair, "Okay," he made a quick decision, "I'm going to go in and see what's up. Hopefully the colonel will be in there and I can find out what's going on."

Cadman didn't try to argue with him or tell him what was wrong with his plan, because there was plenty wrong. But she didn't have anything better to offer, so she nodded with an unhappy curve to her lips.

"Hey, who knows," he said with forced cheerfulness in his voice, "maybe this is where the Ancients kept all the ZPMs."

"Yeah," Cadman smiled genuinely at him, "you just keep telling yourself that."

Evan gave her his best 'here I go' grin before triggering the door to open. It was a little sluggish and it slid aside almost reluctantly, but it did open. Evan toggled his comm so Cadman would be able to hear whatever happened inside. He was counting on her to come in and get him out if it came to that. He took a deep breath of the fetid air that wafted out of the room and slid inside.

Instantly the door slid shut behind him. The room was in a kind of half light so he wasn't left completely in the dark, but it took his eyes a minute to adjust. He flipped on the light of his P-90 to supplement the dim light.

The lab was a complete shambles. Equipment had been tumbled by the flood waters and the Ancient variety of mold covered every surface. The smell in the place was pretty rank. Lorne wasn't sure how long he'd be able to hold his breath. He just wanted to find the colonel and get out. Maybe the mold was toxic and that was what was affecting the colonel. Lorne let a brief grin appear. Toxic mold would be a first.

He flashed the light of the P-90 around the room. It revealed... nothing but a lot of mold. The colonel was nowhere to be seen. Lorne inspected the walls, trying to see if there was a door or other exit from the lab. Then Lorne saw the footprints in the slime on the floor. The tread was the standard issue SGC-boot, all the military personnel wore them. There were a couple of lines of prints where someone had come and gone, they started at the door and continued in an unbroken line into the dim interior of the room. Lorne hadn't moved much past the door himself and no one else had entered the room. So they had to be Sheppard's.

"Colonel Sheppard?" he called out. He didn't want Sheppard to shoot him because of mistaken identity. Of course there was nothing to say that Sheppard wouldn't shoot him knowing precisely who he was.

Lorne followed the footsteps across the room. They ended half way across the lab, just stopping, disappearing into nothing. Cautiously Lorne reached out and his hand impacted... something. It rippled blue under his hand. Beyond the invisible field, the rest of the room looked like the part he'd just traversed, nothing but tumbled equipment and mold.

Squinting, Lorne studied what he could see, looking back and forth until he realized that it was a mirror image. Whatever the field in front of him was, it was reflecting the room behind him to try and fool him into thinking that the room was empty.

"Colonel?" he called louder. "I know you're here."

Abruptly the field disappeared. The other half of the lab was revealed as pristine. There was no flood damage, no slime. And, sitting in the middle of the room with a single light shining down on it, was the sweetest little ship that Evan Lorne had ever seen.

The ship resembled a jumper in the same way that an F-302 resembled the space shuttle. You could see that the jumpers and this ship had a common designer, but that's where the similarities between the two ships ended. It was compact and sleek with room for a pilot and nothing else.

Sheppard and Lorne had spent many an evening speculating on the fact that the jumpers couldn't have been meant to be used in combat. They were nice little ships and they handled like a dream, but you could pretty much shoot them out of the sky with a rock and a slingshot. Sheppard had been sure there had to be fighter vessels somewhere, but they'd never found one. Until now.

Evan sucked in a breath when his admiring gaze found the cockpit and he saw Sheppard sitting there. He was entwined with black cables that snaked around him and seemed to even enter Sheppard's body. There were a couple that looked as if they were inserted into his head. Sheppard's eyes were open, but they were covered with a white iris that gazed down sightlessly on Evan Lorne. He didn't blink or give any sign that he knew Lorne was there.

"It's nice of you to visit, Lorne, but I'm a little busy right now." It was Sheppard's voice, but his mouth hadn't moved. The sound emanated from the ship itself.

Evan swallowed down his freak out, but he did take a step back, just to be on the safe side. "Hey, Colonel, this looks like some ship you've got here."

There was a chuckle, "So you like her?" Sheppard's voice asked. "You'll have to get your own, Major, this one is mine."

"I wouldn't dream of trying to make time with your girl, Sir," Evan answered levelly. He let his admiration show though, "She is sweet, Sheppard."

"That she is, Major." Sheppard agreed. The voice shifted from friendly to hard, "What can I do for you, Lorne? This is a little out of the way for a social visit."

"Just wondering what was up with you, Sir. We haven't seen you around much today," Lorne knew he had to keep the conversation casual. He didn't think the colonel was going to react well to threats and he could see the ship's gun turrets from where he stood. This was the Ancient version of the F-302 for sure.

"Been busy," was Sheppard's short reply. "Grace was damaged when this area of the city was flooded. We've been working on repairs."

"Grace, Sir?"

"The ship, Lorne. Her name is Grace," Sheppard said the name like she was a person. Sure they all got close to their favorite jumpers, but this was something else. Sheppard said her name like he would say his lovers' name.

"Ah. You want me to get some of the science guys?" Lorne asked, hooking a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the door. "They could take a look at her."

"We've got it," Sheppard answered curtly.

"We, sir?" Lorne glanced around the room.

"Grace and I," Sheppard said, as if that should be perfectly obvious.

Lorne felt his eyebrow lifting. "You and... Grace? Okay... Uhm... Dr. Weir was hoping you'd come back with me and help clean up this mess with Dr. McKay." Sheppard blinked and the white film... flickered. Evan pressed on, "Remember? Someone was trying to kill him? Dr. McKay's in pretty bad shape. You might want to come see him... while you still can."

The lines twined round Sheppard abruptly unwound and retracted into the ship. The two in his head pulled out leaving behind a white circle and a single drop of blood. The cockpit of the ship retracted and John Sheppard stared down at Lorne. The white had left his eyes and they were once again the familiar hazel. Lorne was relieved to see it. The white film over Sheppard's eyes was weirding him out.

"Bad shape?" Sheppard asked, and this time his mouth moved and the words came from him. Okay, yeah, the whole thing was weirding Lorne out.

"You saw him this morning, sir," Lorne reminded him, hoping that Sheppard didn't remember the rest of what had transpired on his visit to the infirmary. Whatever the ship was doing to Sheppard, it wasn't good. He was clearly altered in behavior; God knew how else he was being affected.

Sheppard hesitated, sitting in the cockpit; Lorne could see the indecision in his eyes. He pushed, knowing this might be his only chance to get through to his commanding officer.

"He was injected with an enzyme from that Iratus bug thing that almost killed you last year." Lorne knew of Sheppard's loathing of the bugs. He was willing to use anything he could to shake Sheppard right now. "The doc had to intubate him, it's bad."

"Someone... Someone did that? To Rodney?" Sheppard asked, licking his lips.

"Yeah," Evan said softly. "Dr. Weir was hoping you'd come help us find the scum before they can hurt Dr. McKay again." Lorne wasn't above using subterfuge if it got Sheppard out of that cockpit and away from the ship. He would use whatever he had to – the colonel's sense of duty and responsibility to his people, they were what drove Sheppard. Lorne would even use what he suspected about Sheppard's feelings for McKay if that got him out of the cockpit. Lorne just hoped those feelings were strong enough to break whatever hold the ship held over Sheppard.

Lorne waited, resisting the urge to shift nervously. He forced himself to stand calmly, every inch the XO who would do whatever his commanding officer decided.

Sheppard stood in sudden decision. The side of the ship... melted and formed a staircase so he could climb down.

He gave the hull of the ship a caress. "I'll be back," he murmured. Then he scowled at Lorne, "Let's go," Sheppard said striding past Lorne to the door.

Lorne hurried to catch up with him.

Cadman threw him a glance as they exited the room heading back to the city, one eyebrow raised in question. He nodded at her as they passed.

She waited until they had gotten out of ear shot before she tapped her own comm.


	12. Out of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

The farther he got away from Grace, the more John felt the distance between them. Grace wasn't just a ship to him, she was his life now. And she gave him life. He could feel it seeping from him every step he took away from her. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants.

"I told you not to leave me," she said matter-of-factly, walking briskly along beside him.

John didn't acknowledge her. After the last time he knew how much it was going to hurt to leave her. But he was determined. Grace was his future; they were destined to be together. She was why he'd stepped through the wormhole and come to the Pegasus Galaxy. She completed him in ways that McKay never could or would, but he still felt the need to see Rodney one last time, to tell him goodbye in person. He owed McKay that. He just hoped that Rodney would understand why John had to leave.

"You heard Lorne," Grace insisted, "he won't even know you're there," there was the slightest edge of panic in her voice.

"But I will," John hissed back at her.

Evan threw him a curious look, but he didn't say anything.

"They're lying to you, John. They want to keep us apart," she said pressing.

"I know he lied," John muttered to her, "but I've got to do this. Then we can go away together."

Evan kept pace with them, "Where are you going, sir?" he asked, his gaze searched the place where Grace stood.

"He can't see me," Grace reminded John, "Only you."

John was becoming confused, being away from Grace hurt, it twisted at his gut. Trying to keep the two conversations straight was making his head swim, "I'm going to see Rodney," he told Grace and Lorne.

"Okay, no problem," Lorne said in his 'humor the crazy man' voice. "That was the plan."

"It's a trap," Grace said, she pressed herself close into him, clutching at him. "They're going to try and lock you up and we won't be able to go away together." She sounded increasingly desperate. John knew she was afraid, he was afraid. "You don't need to see Rodney again, you should just make a clean break of it, it will hurt less that way." She had a hold on his arm and she was tugging him now in the opposite direction.

"Will you just shut up?" he stopped and pulled his arm from her grasp, "I'm going to see Rodney and then I'll be back." She blinked away tears and it made him furious, "So, just shut the fuck up about it."

"Shutting the fuck up, Sir," Lorne said tightly his eyes fastened on the spot where Grace was standing as if he could see her.

Grace turned away from him and that hurt John so much. In the space of a day she had become everything to him. He couldn't imagine his life without her. Turning away from him, she cut herself off from him a little and he felt it like a knife in the heart. He was determined to see Rodney once more, but he needed to know that Grace was still there, too. His steps faltered and he stopped.

"Please, don't do that," his anger turning to panic in the space of a heartbeat. "Don't leave me," he implored her, "I couldn't stand it if you left me. I'll be back, I swear, and then we'll leave."

She was walking away from him in the other direction and he took a step toward her, "Grace, please."

Lorne caught his arm, "Colonel, the infirmary is this way," he pointed in the direction they'd been going. Sheppard knew the transporter was that way. The transporter that would take him away from Grace.

John yanked his arm out of Lorne's grasp, "I know where it is, Major. Don't touch me again." John took another step to follow Grace, to get her to come back.

"Sir, I can't let you go back there," Lorne's voice was tight with warning.

"Are you going to stop me, Major?" John couldn't believe that everyone was turning against him. First his friends and now Grace.

"If I have to, sir. I'm only trying to help you. Why don't you come with me and let Beckett figure out what's happened to you?" Lorne kept a careful distance between them, but John could see that he was determined.

"Don't make me hurt you, Lorne. I'll go back there if I want to."

John heard a step behind them and he whirled to see four marines step around the corner. They were holding Wraith stunners and they were pointed at Sheppard.

Lorne sighed regretfully. "I can honestly say this is going to hurt me more than you, Sir," Lorne nodded at the marines.

John turned back, expecting to see Grace there smirking at him, only to find Laura Cadman there blocking his retreat.

"I'm really sorry, Colonel," she said as one of the Wraith stunners behind him fired.

John felt the blast hit as a wave that threw him forward. The last thing he saw before everything went black was Grace's beautiful face.

~~~~~

Radek sat in the bed, bored out of his mind, hoping that someone, anyone was going to release him soon. McKay slept on in the bed next to Radek's, blissfully unaware of all that was happening around him. Carson said Rodney had regained consciousness earlier and he was now breathing on his own, but Radek saw no signs of Rodney waking up again anytime soon. He wanted Rodney to wake up and insult his intelligence, at least that would be normal. Right now there were so many things that were wrong. Radek didn't even know where to begin.

Carson had insisted that Radek spend some time resting in the infirmary because of the bullet graze. Radek was thankful he was alive. Just the thought of the gun pressed to his forehead made him shiver. He owed Major Lorne a huge debt for saving his life. If the Major hadn't acted when he did, Radek was quite certain he'd be very, very dead. Still he'd had worse headaches since coming to Atlantis.

He needed to be useful. He was wasted sitting around in the infirmary. He longed to be helping with the search for Colonel Sheppard for one thing. He liked the colonel a lot. Sheppard respected the scientists and that was reason enough for Radek to like him. But he also helped to bear some of the brunt of Rodney McKay's personality and make it more manageable. Radek was thinking of having the man nominated for sainthood.

Radek had at least persuaded Carson to let him have his lap top so he was searching the database for information about the section of labs where they thought Sheppard had disappeared. It was a difficult and time consuming task. The Ancients had no sense of order. The database was almost stream of consciousness the way everything was dumped into it. What Radek wouldn't give for a simple directory, something that said the labs on the West pier had researched devoted to... whatever. Maybe the Ancients didn't need one, but their merely human descendants most assuredly did.

Commotion in the hallway caught Radek's attention. He looked up to witness the spectacle of Lorne and several of his marines entering with a struggling Colonel Sheppard held tightly in their grasp.

"Let me go right now," Sheppard snarled, "or you're going to rue the day that you ever came to Atlantis."

Lorne and the marines appeared to have suffered more than Sheppard's verbal abuse. Lorne was sporting a black eye and a gash down his hair line that was dripping blood onto his collar. The rest of the marines bore similar wounds from their obvious struggle to get the colonel to the infirmary.

"Believe me, sir," Lorne grunted as he fought to keep his hold on Sheppard, "I already do."

As they entered, the group was trailed by Carson and a string of medical personnel.

"Doc," Lorne said through gritted teeth, "can't you give him something to calm him down?"

"I'd be calm, *Major,*" Sheppard twisted and struck out trying to free himself, "if you'd just let me go."

"Sorry, Sir, no can do," Lorne got out as they pulled him through the infirmary. "Doc?"

Radek was very glad there was no one else in the infirmary except himself and the still unconscious McKay. Sheppard was a very private person. He would be mortally embarrassed when he was returned to his right mind and found out that anyone had seen him this way.

"Do you think a sedative's going to work when the Wraith stunner did nae more than take him down for a second?" Carson stood warily at the edge of Sheppard's reach. Radek gaped at them as Sheppard struck out at whomever he could. "Besides I don't dare give him anything until I've found out what's happened to him. Just get him into an isolation room and we can secure him there."

"That's easy for you to say, Carson," Cadman hung on grimly as they pulled Sheppard along, "you're not the one who has the tiger by the tail."

"Lieutenant, I'm ordering you to let me go right now," Sheppard screamed.

"Sure thing, Sir," she answered, "just as soon as you're back in your right mind."

"I'll have you all up on charges," he shouted at them.

Radek shrunk back into his pillows as Sheppard was pulled by his bed. Sheppard saw him and lunged for him, fighting the hands that were holding onto him.

"Radek, you've got to help me," he said, desperation writ on his face. "They're trying to kill me. Please."

"Colonel," he said gently, "they're only trying to help you. Please let them help you."

Sheppard planted his feet and for a second he wouldn't be moved. "None of you know what you're doing. Let me go now, or you'll all be sorry." He fought wildly, striking out with his hands and his feet.

Radek thought he was going to escape, but in the end the marines prevailed. They lifted Sheppard bodily as he continued to struggle, taking him to the ISO room. Even in there, with the door shut, Radek could hear his mad ranting.

"Holy crap," Carson was breathing heavily. He leaned on Radek's bed and they shared a worried glance, "he's worse than Rodney on the Wraith enzyme. God help us all." Then Carson disappeared into the ISO room and Radek was left alone with only the unconscious McKay for company.

Making a decision, Radek threw back the covers. He had to do something to help and he couldn't do it sitting about in the infirmary.


	13. It Never Rains in Atlantis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

It was quiet in the infirmary when Elizabeth entered. Everything had long since been cleaned up in the wake of hurricane Sheppard. The marines who had been injured in their altercation with the colonel were having their injuries cared for. They saw her as she entered and they straightened, attempting to keep her spirits up in the face of everything that had happened. She smiled at them, appreciating the effort, but didn't deter from her course to speak with them, there was still too much to do. 

She did pause at Rodney's bedside. He hadn't stirred again since Carson had removed the ventilator, not even when Sheppard had been brought in, but his color was so much better than it had been. All of the machines had been removed, except for the ever-present IV that snaked from his hand to the bag hanging over his head. Now the only other evidence of his traumatic day was the bruise that was blooming across his forehead. He was sleeping deeply, with his mouth open a bit and a thin line of drool that trailed down his cheek. She leaned over, and, using a Kleenex she found in a box on the bedside table, gently wiped it away. He smacked his lips at the intrusion and settled back to sleep. She tucked the Kleenex away and continued to the ISO room.

She entered the room to find everyone else there waiting for her. Radek sat in the only chair. He was bent over his computer, tapping away, doing his best to ignore Sheppard, which wasn't easy. The colonel alternated between screaming at his 'tormentors' and tugging at the restraints that kept him in his bed. Elizabeth hated the need for restraints, but Carson couldn't use any type of sedative on the colonel until they got his blood tests back. Radek glanced up at her as she entered. He greeted her with a sad smile before bending back to his work.

Lorne leaned against the wall, his gaze never leaving his commanding officer as Carson cleaned up the bloody gash on his head. His face was grey with exhaustion and his eyes had deep circles under them. Elizabeth wasn't sure what was keeping him on his feet except for sheer will power.

Elizabeth wrapped her arms around herself trying to trap the shudder that wanted to escape. She didn't have time to give into her own despair, she had to find answers for John, later she'd curl up in her bed and cry.

They were all throwing expectant glances in her direction; waiting for her to get the meeting started. She decided that they could all use some good news, "Carson, how is Rodney?" she asked.

The doctor continued cleaning and bandaging Lorne's injuries as he spoke, "Rodney is doing very well, thank god. His blood work is coming back clean; all of the Iratus bug enzyme is out of his system. I've been able to take him off the ventilator and his lung function is good. He still has the concussion to contend with, but I think he should be back to his normal irritating self in a few days."

Elizabeth smiled, "I never thought I would be grateful to hear that." Even after all that had happened, she could still hardly believe that Costas had hated Rodney so much that he'd try to murder him, not caring who else died with him. It was a personal kind of hate that struck her to her soul. With a weary sigh, she put her hand on Lorne's arm.

"Tell us what happened with John, Major."

Carson had finished putting butterfly bandages on the gash on his head and cleaning up the other cuts and scrapes Lorne had acquired. Lorne pushed himself off the wall and straightened slowly, "He was in a lab, in some sort of ship. It wasn't like anything I've ever seen before," Lorne told them.

"You're just jealous she didn't choose you, you bastard. Don't try and touch her or I'll kill you." Even though they'd attempted to keep their voices low, Sheppard knew they were talking about him. He kept up a steady stream of curses and pitiful moans to be let go.

They attempted to tune out Sheppard's screaming invectives. It was hard to listen to coming from him, Sheppard valued being in control. This was worse than when he lost control because he was turning into an Iratus bug, that wasn't him being out of control. This was Sheppard and yet not. But neither did they want to leave him by himself while he was still tied down in five-point restraints. It seemed wrong to leave him alone, restrained and friendless, while he was so divorced from himself. "It had tubes and things in him, Doc, I couldn't tell you what it was doing, but it wasn't good, I'm sure."

"You bastards don't know anything." Sheppard's curses only punctuated the point.

"Radek, have you been able to find anything in the database?" Elizabeth turned to the Czech. He had a stark white bandage on his head, a souvenir of his own as a reminder of the events of the day. Carson had said he shouldn't be out of bed. Radek insisted he was fine, but the little lines of pain etched into his forehead told a different tale. The truth was they needed his expertise too badly and so Carson had given in in the end.

Elizabeth didn't even want to think about the cost of the day. Rodney was lying in the infirmary, and would be there for days more despite Carson's good prognosis. Radek had nearly died and now John seemed all but lost to them.

Sometimes she was afraid that the price of coming to the Pegasus Galaxy was too high. Every one of these men were there because of her and she felt their pain in a very real way. She did the only thing she knew how and continued to go forward, looking for answers.

Radek didn't appear to be happy about the information that he had to share, "It is very slow. Who knew that to find Ancient fighter ships you look under biological research?" He waved his hand in irritation at the Ancients and their vagaries. "There is some mention of research into a ship to be used for combat." He looked up from his computer and went into what she liked to think of as his 'professor mode.' He was able to explain most things so that the non-technically inclined among them could understand. He would have made a good teacher she thought, if it weren't for the whole hating kids thing.

"Everything in city has mental component, some more than others, as you know. There are some things – lights, doors, some equipment that must only be initialized and anyone can use it." They all nodded their understanding and he continued. "Still others, such as jumpers and control chair, must have a gene carrier to actually use it. This ship is something even more than that. There is actual mental interface between ship and pilot. They become one together in order to operate. It is not good," he swallowed heavily and his voice lowered. Elizabeth held her breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Ancients did not perfect this ship. They were testing it only. All pilots in test program died because changes were too much for their system."

"Oh, no." Elizabeth felt her insides clench. They couldn't lose Sheppard. Not just because of his gene, certainly that was important, but because of him. Elizabeth and John Sheppard disagreed most of the time, but she had come to depend on him and Rodney both because of their divergent views. It would be too easy as the leader of the expedition to let herself be guided by her own intuition, but they reminded her always that there were other ways of looking at things and other options. She still made the decisions, but she always listened to what they had to say. "Carson, tell me we got to him in time." She turned her eyes to Carson, imploring him silently to have a miracle.

She feared they were fresh out of miracles.

"Elizabeth, I don't know what that ship did to him." She could see the despair plainly on Carson's face; he was unable to hide anything. It was perhaps his only failure as a physician, that inability to maintain an unemotional façade when dealing with defeat. "The colonel's brain chemistry... It is like nothing I have ever seen. His organ function is seriously compromised... From what I have read in the database, it is because he's become dependent on that ship for his life support. If something doesn't give soon, we might have to take him back in order to keep him alive."

Radek shook his head minutely, "Eventually, even that will not be enough. In time the interface with the ship will kill him," he said. "I will continue to research, but I... think he is removed from its influence in time. You must treat symptoms and keep the colonel alive. He will return to us." Elizabeth held onto the hope that Radek was correct.

"Dr. Weir?" Chuck's voice in her ear came at the same time that the alarm sounded.

"Yes?" She tapped her comm even as she started toward the transporter.

"Unscheduled off-world activation, Ma'am. It's Teyla's IDC and she's advised that we probably will want an armed detail in the gate room."

"We're on our way," she answered. Elizabeth didn't even look around to see if Lorne was following. She could hear Carson calling out orders to his people. Unscheduled gate activation usually meant injuries in Carson's world.

Lorne and Radek arrived at the transporter the same time she did and Elizabeth let them shove in behind her before she tapped the map that would take them to the control room. She fought down the urge to scream. Most day it never rained in Atlantis, but it poured.


	14. Awakenings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Rodney woke from the most vivid dream he had ever had. The hallucination of Carter didn't count because he'd had a concussion at the time. This dream had been so surreal with full color and surround sound – John Sheppard being manhandled through the infirmary by his own marines, screaming and cursing at the top of his lungs, begging to be released. 

Rodney knew it had to be a dream because John Sheppard never screamed, except maybe at Koyla when the Genii soldier had threatened to kill Rodney and Elizabeth. Rodney shuddered and shoved away both the dream and the bad memories.

Taking stock of his situation, Rodney felt more like himself than he had in a while, although he hurt everywhere, even his hair hurt if that was possible. But he felt like he must be doing better because all of the machinery he vaguely remembered being around the bed had been removed, all he'd been left with was the IV. They'd even removed the catheter, if he'd ever had one this time, he knew that because he had to go to the bathroom really, really bad.

He pushed himself up on an elbow and glanced around the infirmary. It was quiet at the moment, he was the only patient. The nurse on duty was way on the other side of the room, involved in something on the computer; she was paying absolutely no attention to her patient. He could have pushed the button and she would have come hurrying, but Rodney really hated peeing in a bed pan. He hurt, true, but he could make it to the bathroom and back, he was certain of it.

He pushed himself up and was quite proud when the room didn't spin or anything, or at least not much. He carefully swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood slowly. He glanced over at the nurse and she still hadn't noticed that her patient was up and about. He thought spitefully that it would serve her right if Carson yelled at her when Rodney was found crumpled on the floor because he shouldn't be walking.

He worked the IV out of its port, not wanting to have to deal with it while he was in the bathroom. He knew he shouldn't, but he did it anyway. He swayed where he stood. Okay, yes, he was still a little dizzy and it would have been nice for the nurse to notice that he was up and perhaps *offer* to give him a hand, even if he would refuse.

Slowly he shuffled to the bathroom, wondering what had happened to him. He kind of remembered being rescued from the downed puddle jumper. Everything after that was a nightmare of images where he was wet and cold, his head hurt and sometimes he'd thought he couldn't breathe. It was all too much for him to think about when the simple act of getting to the toilet made his legs tremble and his headache began to throb in time with his heart beat.

He was pretty triumphant when he made it to the infirmary's small bathroom and managed to get his business done without anyone's help. He decided it would serve the nurse right if he did stage a jail break and let her face the wrath of Carson for letting a patient get away. He would do just that if he wasn't pretty certain that he'd collapse before he made it to the hall. The nurse was going to get off lucky this time because the only place he was going to realistically make it was back to his bed and that was by no means a certainty.

He paused to lean on the door jamb to try and get his body to stop shaking when he saw the door to one of the ISO rooms was closed. Remembering his dream about Sheppard, Rodney stumbled as far as the door. Peering through the window, he was horrified to discover that Sheppard really was in there, secured at the hands and feet. Without even thinking about it, he shoved the door open.

"Colonel? Sheppard?" He paused at the door, not certain what to do.

Sheppard jerked around at the sound of his voice. "Rodney?" his voice cracked and he licked his lips. "You've got to help me, please."

The sheer terror in John's voice pulled Rodney inside. His own hurts were forgotten as he took in Sheppard's condition. The man looked terrible: his eyes were rimmed in red and his face was an ashen tone, even his hair was sticking up more wildly than usual, if that was possible. The restraints on his wrists and ankles were padded, but Rodney could see a ring of bruises starting on Sheppard's wrists where he had been continually pulling at them, trying to free himself.

Rodney's fingers trembled as he pulled on the buckles releasing the straps that were around Sheppard's ankles.

"Oh, my god, what's going on here?" Rodney asked. "I'm unconscious for a day and everything goes crazy."

"Please, Rodney," Sheppard begged, "just get me loose and I'll tell you everything.

Rodney finished with the straps around Sheppard's ankles and moved to the wrists. It penetrated into his confusion that there had to be some reason for Sheppard to be tied down. His fingers fumbled with the straps on Sheppard's wrists as he twisted and squirmed, anxious to be free of his binding.

"Who did this?" Rodney asked, his fingers circling Sheppard's wrist, trying to hold him still.

Sheppard wouldn't be still. He kept squirming and straining against the restraints holding him to his bed, "They're trying to kill me. Please, Rodney, you've got to help me."

Rodney just needed a minute to think things through, figure out what to do next. Was it possible that something had happened while he'd been unconscious? Of course it was possible; they were in the Pegasus Galaxy where space vampires sucked your life out with their hands. 'Something' happened with alarming regularity.

He had loosened the strap enough that Sheppard was able to wiggle his hand free. Rodney caught it, "What happened?" he asked anxiously. "You've got to tell me what's wrong if I'm going to be able to help."

Sheppard pulled his hand free from Rodney's loose hold and went to work on the other strap himself. It was only a moment's work and then he quickly undid the strap around his chest. Rodney glanced anxiously back at the door, afraid that at any moment Carson was going to arrive with the big needles and strap them both down in restraints.

John sat up and grasped Rodney around the shoulders. "I'm sorry, Rodney, but I've got to go now."

"Go?" Rodney repeated. His head was pounding now and he wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to stand up.

"I came to say goodbye to you. They wouldn't let me. That's all I really wanted to tell you. I never meant to fall in love with you."

Rodney gaped at him, unable to take in what Sheppard was saying, "You... you love me?"

Sheppard sat on the bed and regarded him sadly. "I have for a long time now, but I know there's never going to be anything between us and it hurts too much. So I'm going to leave now. I'm really sorry." Sheppard put a hand on his shoulder. Rodney felt the heat of his hand through the scrubs he was wearing. Sheppard drew him forward. Rodney thought he meant to do the thing that thing Teyla did, the Athosian head touch thing. At the last minute Sheppard tilted his head and allowed his lips to brush across Rodney's. It was just a whisper of a kiss and then it was gone before Rodney even had a chance to appreciate it.

"Leave?" The room was whirling around Rodney now, and all he could hear was the word echoing over and over in his head.

"Believe me I wish it could be more. But you love Sam..."

Rodney had missed something important. "Sam? Why in the hell do you think I love Sam?"

Sheppard smiled, and it was so sad. Rodney wanted to reach out and pull him in, but he couldn't bring himself to move, afraid that it would break the spell between them. Sheppard touched Rodney's face with his fingertips; letting his touch trail down Rodney's cheek. A callused fingertip moved over Rodney's lips and Rodney closed his eyes and parted his lips a little to the questing touch, his breathing ragged.

So he didn't see the punch that came out of nowhere. He just felt the explosion of pain and fell into darkness wanting nothing more than to tell John that he loved him, too.


	15. Nothing to do but worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

The next thing Rodney knew someone was shaking him awake.

"Rodney, I need you to wake up," it was Carson's brogue and fairly urgent if the thickness of Carson's accent was any indicator. But Rodney's head really hurt and he tried to burrow further into the pillows and get away from the booming voice.

"Leave me alone," he muttered. "Go do your voodoo rituals on someone else for a change." He pushed away at the hands that were shaking him.

"Rodney, you need to wake up and tell me what happened to Colonel Sheppard," Carson insisted, refusing to be dissuaded.

Sheppard? Shit!

Rodney sat straight up and nearly knocked heads with Carson, which would have sucked because Rodney's head already hurt. A lot.

"Sheppard?" Rodney swallowed. His aching jaw could be added to the litany of his injuries and Rodney really just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep, but something was obviously going on where they had to have his help or everyone was going to die. Or just Sheppard, which really was all the same. Because without Sheppard they would all die sooner or later.

"He hit me." He stared up at the doctor, "What was wrong with him?" Rodney realized that he was in the ISO bed, not lying crumpled on the floor like he expected. He was so confused and Carson was still shaking him.

"Would you stop that? Or I may just puke on you," he snapped irritably attempting to focus on Carson. It was kind of hard because there were two of him weaving in and out of Rodney's vision which only served to make him more queasy.

Carson did stop and took a step back for good measure for which Rodney was grateful. Although he thought he might just puke on the man to prove a point. But... maybe later.

"Where is the colonel, Rodney?" Rodney blinked up and discovered that Elizabeth was standing behind Carson. Lorne and Radek were there, too. And boy did they look like shit, almost as bad as Rodney felt.

"What happened to you guys?" he frowned at them, hoping that the room would stop spinning soon. Puking was becoming more and more a clear and present danger.

"Rodney, you really need to focus." Lorne's voice was pissy.

Rodney glared at him. "It's not my fault if you can't keep track of Sheppard. I didn't lose him." Rodney snapped back at Lorne. He was instantly sorry when the hammering in his head ratcheted up a notch.

"I'm sorry, but actually you did," Radek didn't sound in the least sorry, "you let him go, didn't you?" He crossed his arms and glared at Rodney who was lying in the bed whose last occupant had been John Sheppard.

Rodney crossed his arms and frowned back at the sea of faces that were swimming in front of him, "If you didn't want me to release him why wasn't there a guard on the door?" He judged from their guilty looks that he'd got them with that one. "At the very least you could have put a sign on the door – Don't release the nice Colonel because he's. Out. Of. His. Head. I'm a very intelligent man, I would have gotten it."

"Rodney," Carson sighed the sigh of the greatly put upon, "we've nae time for your dramatics..." he began.

He really should have known better. "You did not just say dramatics?" Rodney sputtered. "You call a concussion 'dramatics'?" Rodney stared up at him making air quotes around the word. "I've been seriously wounded and Sheppard *hit* me and you call it dramatics?"

Elizabeth's sigh was tired and small and Rodney nearly felt sorry for her. "Rodney, it's been... a very long two days. I know you're hurt and I wish I could just let you lie there and get better, but something is seriously wrong with John and we need your help. Please, can you just focus?"

"Focusing," he said shortly.

"Good. Now," she took a deep breath, "the short story is that John has been affected by an Ancient device and he's not himself..."

"He touched something didn't he?" Rodney couldn't stop himself. He had some sort of verbal diarrhea and he had even less of a filter than usual. "I swear that man needs to have a bell around his neck and a keeper."

Radek snapped his fingers. "He still has the tracker, we can use that to find him. I do not know why I didn't think of it sooner."

Lorne's hand was on Radek's shoulder and his fingers pressed softly in support, "We're all pretty tired, Doc, I should have thought of it, too. Come on, we'll get on that right now." Lorne met Elizabeth's eyes and she nodded at him. He and Radek left, nearly running in their urgency. Rodney frowned after them sure there was more they weren't telling him.

"Will someone PLEASE tell me what's going on?" Rodney snapped at Carson and Elizabeth after they were gone.

"We're trying to, you git, if you would just shut it long enough so that we could get a word in edgewise." Carson's harsh tone caused both Elizabeth and Rodney to stare. The man rarely raised his voice, let alone used bad language. It was a measure of how tired he was that it happened this time. It did succeed in shutting Rodney up, if only for a moment.

"Hey," Rodney protested weakly.

"You had it coming," Elizabeth informed him before sinking down to sit on the edge of his bed.

Between them, Elizabeth and Carson told him about the Ancient fighter and how it had affected Sheppard. Rodney didn't know whether to be elated or frantic.

"Trust John Sheppard to find the slutty, crazed Ancient ships that brainwash him and then kidnap him," was Rodney's succinct analysis at the end of their tale. "I suppose he went straight back to the ship after I stupidly let him go and they've flown off into the sunset?" His gaze flickered back and forth between Elizabeth and Carson.

"That's pretty much what happened," Elizabeth confirmed for him. "The lab where the ship was housed had an iris in the ceiling that opens like the ceiling in the jumper bay. Radek thinks it must have some sort of cloaking capability different from that used by the jumpers because we haven't been able to track them on sensors. We've been going crazy."

"You have no idea how difficult it was to restrain him in the first place," Carson frowned down at Rodney, "I can't believe you let him go."

"Hello? Concussion," Rodney sniped back at him, pointing at his head, "Besides Sheppard was very convincing," Rodney could still feel the feather light brush of his lips.

"What did he say?" Elizabeth asked, curiosity lifting the weight of exhaustion from her face for a moment.

Rodney paused, mouth open, not sure what to tell her. He couldn't very well tell them that Sheppard had said he loved Rodney. Rodney needed to think about that one for awhile alone before he knew what he was going to say to Sheppard when next he saw him in his right mind. Instead of answering her, he took the offensive.

"Aren't you supposed to be giving me pain medication? Injured man here." He snapped at Carson. The man was better trained than Pavlov's dogs. At the merest mention of anything medical he snapped into doctor mode.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were in pain, Rodney?" the doctor said softly pulling out his pen light.

"Oh, no," Rodney moaned, pressing back into the pillows. His headache got worse just at the thought of Carson shining the damn thing into his eyes. "Please, anything but that," he pleaded.

Carson just chuckled.

Elizabeth, the traitor, patted him sympathetically on the leg before sliding off the bed.

"I'll let you know if we hear anything," she said as she slipped out the door, leaving him alone to Carson's not-so-gentle torture.

After he finished checking Rodney and declaring that yes, he did still have a concussion, Carson, the bastard, insisted that Rodney return to his own bed in the infirmary proper. Rodney tried to insist that he was fine and could go rest in his quarters. When Rodney couldn't even get out of the bed on his own, Carson grinned triumphantly.

"Just let me have a lap top," Rodney pleaded as he shuffled slowly out of the ISO room to take his place back in his own bed. He stopped when he discovered that Teyla and Ronon were there, occupying beds of their own. "What happened to you guys?"

"I don't want to talk about," Ronon growled. He was wearing white scrubs and looked a little ridiculous, not that Rodney would ever tell him that because he valued his life.

"We had a... small... altercation with the indigenous life forms on P86-4YY," Teyla said with a small smile hovering about her lips.

"You mean that place you were checking out as an alpha site?" Rodney had been just as glad to volunteer to take Radek's place on the test flight of jumper six at that point. He hated going to planets where they had to scout and "stuff" with no chance of actually finding any sort of cool new technology. He didn't like to camp just for camping's sake. He'd been just as happy to stay at home. Now he kind of wished he'd gone. A run in with the indigenous life forms of P86-4YY sounded like more fun than his last two days had been.

"Aye," the doctor had his hand under Rodney's elbow for support. He steered Rodney to his bed. "Seems the wee beasties wanted Ronon's hair to line their nests. They weren't taking no for an answer."

"They were most insistent," Teyla agreed. While her tone was serious, there was a smile lurking in the slight curve of her lips. "We woke up to find that they had swarmed Ronon's tent. We had to leave in somewhat of a hurry."

"They even followed us through the gate," Ronon had never sounded so affronted.

"That's why there wasn't any security on John's door when you went in," Carson explained as he helped Rodney get settled back in his bed. He fussed with the covers, getting them pulled back in place and tucking them in around Rodney as if he intended to keep Rodney in bed by sheer dint of his patient being unable to untangle himself from the sheets.

"They were called to the gate room to help gather up the wee beasties. They were rather sweet if they didn't have such a fixation with pulling your hair out in great clumps." Carson made a face and rubbed a spot on the back of his head. "I think we got all of them sent back through the gate."

"Still don't know why you wouldn't let me send them to an orbital gate," Ronon growled.

"That would have been unnecessarily mean and cruel," Teyla's voice held promise of retribution for such a suggestion when next they sparred.

"They didn't get a chance to pull on your hair. Wait until that happens." Ronon shut his eyes. It was plain that they'd heard the last they were going to get from him on the subject.

"Are you guys alright?" Rodney wasn't sure, but he thought he might actually still be hallucinating except there was no Sam Carter in sight.

"We are well, Rodney," Teyla smiled at him for his concern. "The animals had very sharp claws and we suffered some minor cuts and scrapes. I believe Carson will be releasing us both soon."

"Aye, Teyla, love," Carson agreed. "Let me get Rodney here settled and then I'll finish up with the pair of you."

Rodney laid back and closed his eyes because clearly he was delirious.

After Carson had cleared them both with the admonishment to go to their quarters and rest, they came to say goodbye to Rodney. Teyla settled on the edge of his bed while Ronon held up the wall next to them.

"Are you well?" Teyla asked. "I am so sorry we were not here to aid in your rescue."

Rodney just shrugged. The crash was old news now. He would take time to mourn Griffin later, right now it was Sheppard that Rodney was concerned with. No one had come by to give him news and it was about to make him crazy... crazier.

"Where's Sheppard?" Ronon asked peering around sharply at the other beds. Rodney's respect for the man went up a notch. Ronon only looked like a cave man. There was actually a pretty astute mind under all the hair.

Rodney told them what he knew about the situation including the fact that he didn't have all the information. He was a genius. He knew that Elizabeth and Carson weren't telling him everything they knew about Sheppard. It was bad enough that Sheppard had eloped with a strange Ancient ship and no one knew where they had gone. It was the parts of the story that Rodney didn't know that was really scaring him.

When he was finished, Teyla left to get his lap top and bring it back. Ronon went to lurk in the control room and find out what additional information he could get there. Neither one would allow Rodney to leave the infirmary with them. Although he complained. Loudly. And at length.

"It will only deplete the resources that we need to find Colonel Sheppard if we must take time to care for you also," Teyla told him kindly.

"Just stay there and shut up," Ronon growled, not so kindly, "we don't have time to pick you up off the floor."

Then they left him there, with nothing to do but worry, and that was never good.


	16. An Absence of Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

John had wanted to fly for as long as he could remember. As a small child, he would lie on his back in the grass and watch the birds as they soared so effortlessly overhead. He used to dream that he was one of them with feathers and wings instead of arms and legs. He broke his arm the year he was 10 when he built wings using garbage bags and dowel rods he found in the basement and tried to launch himself off the top of the garage. After that his dad arranged to have young John taken up in a small plane so he could see what flying was really like.

The pilot let 10-year-old John Sheppard sit next to him in the co-pilot's seat. He explained the purpose of all the gauges and showed John the controls. John loved the freedom of being so far off the ground that the earth below was just blocks of color, like the quilt on his bed. It was like nothing he'd ever known and John knew then that it was what he wanted to spend his life doing. He wanted to fly, to be so high above everything else that no one and no thing could touch him. He could leave behind the loneliness of never having any friends because they moved around so much, the pain of losing his mother, the sadness of a father who was constantly mourning his dead wife. There was nothing but the controls under his hands and the clouds and the plane.

Flying Grace was so much more than he had ever known. The jumpers had been an extension of himself. They almost knew what he wanted to do before he did it, but he had to actually physically manipulate the controls. He had to think about what he was doing. Flying Grace was like breathing. He didn't have to think about it. He just did it. It was probably the closest to being a bird he was ever going to get.

Grace was John and John was Grace. He could feel her systems as he accelerated away from Atlantis. He felt the air flow over his wings and the surge of powers in his engines that pushed him aloft. He soared above Atlantis and just flew, letting himself learn about Grace and his new self. It was as he imagined the birds felt. Effortlessly they floated on the winds, the air currents taking him where they would. He knew there was more to it than that. Grace hovered ready to supply him with the dry details of lift and torque and the physics of flight. But he liked the feeling that it was all effortless, so he just let himself fly, soaring like a bird.

Eventually he let his new senses expand outward. The city was below him and he knew the life signs inside her. It had only been a span of hours that he flew with Grace, but already he was beginning to forget what it was like to have a fleshly body; he still remembered their names – Elizabeth and Lorne, Cadman and Beckett and Rodney... He remembered bright blue eyes and a wit so sharp it could make you bleed. The name caused pain to ripple through him so he let it slide away. He concentrated instead on the water below the city and the life teaming in it. He could penetrate its depths and see its mysteries. The Athosians were no farther away for him than the creatures on the bottom of the sea and there were no mysteries there either.

He stretched himself further and found something in the space around Atlantis that made his heart speed faster. Grace agreed with him that they should investigate and he thrilled to the power in her graceful body as they pushed themselves up through the atmosphere into space. He had never known freedom like this and he let himself be lost in it.

John Sheppard twined with Grace until they were no longer separate, but a single entity.

~~~~~

On her way to the control room, Elizabeth stopped at the mess to get a cup of coffee. She needed something stronger than the tea she normally favored if she was going to get through the day. In the mess she was startled to see the bright sunshine that flooded the room. With everything that had happened, she felt that the day should be shrouded in clouds, certainly not the beautiful, sunny cloudless days that were the norm for Atlantis. She avoided those that wanted to ask about Rodney and talk about Griff. She still had too much to do to find Sheppard and get him home safely before she could allow herself to mourn for the man they had lost.

She had such high hopes coming to the city of the Ancients that they would find wonders beyond imagination, things that might improve the human condition back on Earth. When she walked through that wormhole two years before, she had dreams of finding cures for diseases and ways to end famine and war.

All too soon that dream had turned into a nightmare.

The Ancients were just as dangerous as the Goa'uld or the Ori in the careless way that they left their toys scattered around like time bombs just waiting for an unwary victim to come along and touch them.

Many times that victim was John Sheppard partly because he was there specifically to touch things. The fact that he'd been thrust into the role of Military Commander of Atlantis didn't mean that they needed his gene any less. Atlantis *was* John's in a very real way. Elizabeth did her best not to be jealous, but sometimes she felt a stirring of envy that the city of her dreams opened up for John Sheppard, a man who practically had to be ordered to come with the expedition. He'd quickly stepped in to fill the void upon Sumner's death, but Elizabeth still worried that John blamed her for the fact that he was on the other side of the Galaxy and all too often the focal point for trouble.

It didn't help that his sense of adventure prompted him to stick his fingers where more cautious individuals would hesitate. Sometimes she thought that he really did have a death wish. She'd hoped that John's growing friendship with Rodney McKay would help to curb John's more reckless tendencies. Although Rodney was hardly better than John when it came to activating Ancient devices and finding trouble, between the two of them, they were going to cause her to age prematurely, she was sure of it.

Reaching the control room she paused at the station where Zelenka sat madly typing. Lorne stood behind him, not speaking or interrupting, just lending moral support.

Lorne gave her a tired smile as she approached them.

"How is Dr. McKay?" he asked.

"He'll live, thank god," she replied. "Although I'm sure he's down in the infirmary right now giving everyone hell because 'they' let Sheppard get away." They shared a rueful grin, imagining the scene, glad that they weren't there. "Have you found him?" she asked tentatively, hopefully with a look to Zelenka.

Zelenka didn't even bother responding to her. He ignored her, his fingers moving over the keys effortlessly intent on whatever it was he was doing.

It was Lorne who answered, "Yes, ma'am," he nodded at the view screen over their heads.

Elizabeth saw a lone green dot speeding away from the city.

"The ship is jamming the tracking device we have on him, but we can track it pretty much like a jumper even though it's cloaked."

"Is new design and very good," Zelenka supplied without looking up at them. "We should see if we can apply it to jumpers, it is more efficient, taking less power to maintain it."

Elizabeth allowed herself a small smile that Zelenka was hopeful enough to be planning future projects. "Let's get Sheppard back first and *then* you can start work on that. How are we going to get him back?" she asked with a small wave of her hand at the screen. "Any ideas?"

Lorne shook his head, "Short of shooting him down, I don't have any ideas. I was hoping Zelenka here would come up with something."

"If you would stop speaking, perhaps I would be able to think," Radek informed them. Neither one took offense at his acerbic tone; they knew how worried he was.

Elizabeth frowned at even the suggestion of shooting John down, although she knew Lorne wasn't serious. She sipped her coffee, hoping its warmth might penetrate the chill that she felt to her soul, "I can't believe we had John in the infirmary and Rodney..."

Lorne interrupted her, something he didn't normally do. It was just one more indicator of how tired and stressed they all were, "Ma'am, you can't blame Dr. McKay. It was just bad luck that everyone who was supposed to be monitoring the patients in the infirmary were called to the gateroom."

Elizabeth blew out an exasperated breath, "Major, I don't want to assign blame in this..."

His mouth thinned and his stare became hard, "Well, I do. And just as soon as we get the colonel back I'll be finding out how it is that Rodney managed to get out of his bed without anyone knowing about and got through a locked door to the colonel's isolation room without anyone even knowing about it." The set of Lorne's jaw and the hard look in his eye promised that someone was going to be held accountable.

Elizabeth nodded, trusting Lorne to get to the bottom of the mess. "I'll leave it to you, Major for now. Please let me know if there's anything I can do."

"I will, thank you," he didn't say it, but she could see that the burden of command was weighing heavily on his shoulders. She wasn't the only one that would be glad to have John Sheppard back.

"In the meantime, we're back to – how do we get John back?"

"The Daedalus is due any time; perhaps if we can keep track of colonel, the Daedalus can beam him out of ship?" Zelenka spoke up, his fingers never slowing on the keyboard.

Elizabeth brightened, "Good. That's a good idea." They were going to find John Sheppard damn it, they didn't leave their people behind... or let them get away... or whatever. They *were* getting him back. That was John's rule. "Can John intercept the message if we contact the Daedalus?"

Zelenka shrugged, "I have had not had time to study database thoroughly enough to see if it tells us what ship will or will not do. But I would say yes, he could intercept the message."

"Maybe we could send some sort of coded message that the colonel won't recognize?" Lorne mused.

"Oh, no," Zelenka's soft exhalation was filled with despair. They both watched as his fingers flew even faster over the keyboard.

"What is it?" Lorne leaned in squinting down at the computer screen.

Radek shook his head and pointed up at the screen over their heads. He touched the small dot that had just appeared on the screen at the edge of their sensor capability. "It is Wraith cruiser. Their course will bring them right over city in a matter of hours," he told them.

"Did they...?" Elizabeth couldn't even say the words out loud.

Zelenka shook his head, "I have put up cloak around city. I do not think they could read us from that distance. But..." he paused and glanced back over his shoulder, his eyes meeting Lorne's before sliding on to Elizabeth, "Colonel Sheppard is out there..."

They all looked up to see that the little dot representing John and his ship. It was headed straight for the much larger dot representing the Wraith cruiser.

"Surely he wouldn't do anything to endanger us?" she protested, her gaze darting back and forth between Lorne and Radek.

Lorne shrugged helplessly, "Normally I'd say you were right, but now..." They all remembered the raving, screaming man in the infirmary. "I don't have any idea what he'll do." Lorne put his hand on Radek's shoulder, "How long does it take to switch from the cloak to the shield in case it looks like that cruiser knows we're here?"

"It will take some time, several minutes to make the switch," Zelenka pushed at his glasses nervously.

Lorne nodded, "Be ready to do it as quick as you can if it becomes necessary, but let's leave the cloak up for now." He looked over at Elizabeth for her approval, "There's no sense tipping them to our presence sooner than we have to. If they knew we were here and were going to attack us, they wouldn't just be sitting up there. If they're waiting for reinforcements to attack us, they'd wait outside our sensor range, not head straight for us."

It was dangerous, leaving them defenseless for precious minutes if the Wraith were to launch a sneak attack, but it did make sense. If the Wraith didn't already know there were there, they couldn't expose themselves. Elizabeth nodded her reluctant agreement.

Lorne continued, "I'll get cloaked jumpers into the air in case it looks like the Wraith cruiser figures out we're here. Maybe we should get Doctor Beckett down to the chair room in case we have to defend Atlantis? I know we're very low on drones, but we'll need everything we've got if there's a fight."

She scrubbed a hand across her face trying to get her thoughts in order, "Do it," she said.

Zelenka stood and the two men started to move away.

"Major," she called after him and Lorne paused to turn back expectantly. "You're in charge of the military now. We're in your hands."

"Oh, sure, fine," he muttered to Zelenka as they hurried away, "no pressure there."

Elizabeth stood and stared at the dot that represented the Wraith cruiser as it moved closer to the Atlantis and their city.

The day had just officially gotten worse.


	17. There are worse things...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Rodney hated being stuck in the infirmary where no one would tell him anything about what was happening with the search for Sheppard. He hadn't seen Carson in a long time (and Rodney was *not* offended that he was being left to the care of Carson's minions). Teyla and Ronon had both disappeared on their errands and it was taking them forever to come back. And the very worst thing of all was that the nurses were being nice to him. While they wouldn't *tell* him anything he demanded to know, they brought him his favorite flavor of jello with whipped cream on top. It frightened him almost more than being at the bottom of the ocean in a leaky puddle jumper.

They refused to let him have a radio so he could at least *listen* to what was going on, maybe ask a question or two of his own. They said he had a head wound and he needed to rest. They were more polite than usual when they said it, but they were very firm. Rest was the last thing he needed with an insane Sheppard on the loose, but they just wouldn't listen to him. The nurses just brought him more jello and patted his hand comfortingly while tucking in his blankets more securely.

He contemplated just slipping out of the infirmary, but since Sheppard's escape, damn him, there was no chance Rodney was going to be able to make an escape of his own. The infirmary was filled with medical personnel, all of whom took it as their own personal mission to keep an eye on Rodney. It was making him twitchy.

He tried to keep himself occupied, but there was only so much jello a man could eat. After the jello was gone all he was left with was staring at the ceiling and plotting his revenge on the nurses who being so creepily kind to him until the designs in the ceiling started to loop and curve and blend into each other and his head felt like there was someone in there with an ice pick, chipping away at his grey matter. No matter how much his head hurt though, his brain wouldn't shut off. He needed his laptop; he needed to be doing something, anything to help find Sheppard.

John....

It would have seriously pissed Rodney off that the man would rather take off with the first Ancient ship that came along and winked at him instead of just telling Rodney how he felt, except Sheppard was clearly out of his head, affected somehow by the Ancient ship in ways that made Carson's face look more pinched with worry than usual. They hadn't told Rodney everything about how the ship affected the colonel; you didn't have to be a genius to know that it was bad. After all, Sheppard might threaten bodily harm against Rodney all the time, but he'd never yet actually hit him before. And that after kissing him first...

Rubbing his fingers over his lips, the kiss disturbed Rodney more than the punch in the jaw (although his jaw was seriously starting to hurt only adding to his general misery). He could still feel the feather light touch against his mouth; feel the warm puff of John's breath. Rodney needed to know if what John had said was true _("I never meant to fall in love with you."),_ or if it was just a part of John's psychosis, designed to throw Rodney off guard.

He *knew* there was serious trouble when the nurses didn't object when Teyla finally returned, bringing him his lap top. He opened it up without even trying to conceal the fact that he had it. He glared at the nurses, his hard stare daring any of them to say anything. They avoided his gaze, but he could see them scurrying around, whispering to one another trying to decide what to do. He expected Carson to arrive on the scene anytime. But that was alright, it was what he wanted; Rodney had questions he needed Carson to answer.

~~~~~

Grace was built to fight the Wraith. Her every instinct was to destroy them wherever they were found. She'd never actually gotten to face the enemy in battle before she was put in a lab and left alone for thousands of years.

Sheppard could feel the joy that ran through her when they identified the presence above Atlantis as a Wraith cruiser. He could barely restrain her from flying straight to the ship and facing off against it.

"John, we can take them," she whispered, her longing shivering through him.

"And we will," he said soothingly. "But you have a pilot for a reason. No matter how much knowledge you've been given by the Ancients, how much they've programmed you to know, they still can't give you instincts and intuition. You can do everything right in a battle, have superior strength, and still lose."

"We won't lose," she sneered at the very idea.

"No." he agreed. "Because we're not doing anything until we've had a look around and sussed out the situation."

John noted with a distant kind of satisfaction that the city had put up its cloak. They were safe for the moment. He and Grace would make sure they stayed that way.

It made John happy to know that he could still help the people of his city. He could continue in his mission to protect them by destroying the Wraith that threatened them.

~~~~~

Lorne slid into the pilot's seat of the jumper. He wondered what Sheppard was doing in that little ship, Grace he'd called her. From what Lorne had seen, up close and personal, the ship was designed to be a fighter, her weapons deadly. She'd be a nice ship to have on your side in a fight, if she didn't kill her pilot from brain overload.

Calling up the jumper's HUD, he could see that Sheppard's ship hovered just beyond the Wraith cruiser. It wasn't doing anything, just sitting there. Lorne stared at the green dot for a moment trying to figure out what Sheppard was planning. In his present state of mind it was impossible to know what the colonel was going to do. Lorne was afraid it was something incredibly reckless like attacking the wraith ship single-handedly.

He clicked his comm over to the command channel which would allow him to communicate with his pilots and the command crew, "This is Lorne in jumper one, I'm reading Sheppard's ship. Once we've launched, stay clear of him and concentrate on the Wraith ship."

Lorne began flipping switches, letting the pre-flight check center him as he prepared himself and his ship for a fight. There was a rustle in the co-pilot's seat and he glanced over automatically expecting to find hi co-pilot, Ben Sanders. Sanders was an excellent co-pilot, he was absolutely unflappable. He remained cool and collected no matter what was exploding around them. He was therefore surprised to see who was sitting there.

"Zelenka?"

The Czech ignored his astonished tone, he just began hooking up the equipment he had brought, smoothly and calmly as if they were going out for a quick jaunt around the planet to monitor weather systems.

"What in the hell are you doing here?" There was a tight band of pain around Evan's chest. There was every chance they'd die out there protecting the city. Evan was prepared for that every time he went into a fight. He was a soldier; it was part of the reason why he was in Atlantis. Every singe soldier knew it was a possibility. He just wasn't prepared to take Zelenka into death with him.

Radek finally looked up at him, "You need me," he said simply.

And Lorne got it. None of them were safe, whether they stayed in the city or flew above it to defend the city and its occupants. All of them, military and civilian, were the last line of defense against the Wraith getting to Earth. And they would all do what they had to in order to protect their home planet. If he died in combat and the Wraith got to Atlantis, then the scientists and civilians would be just as dead as those who died defending them and then Earth would be next.

Lorne swallowed down his protests. If the scientist wanted to come, then Lorne had to let him.

"Don't they need you back in Control to switch the cloak?" he asked quietly letting the command mode sweep over him. He was in charge now. He had to keep reminding himself of that. Sure he'd been in charge in the field before, but he'd never had to defend the city. He felt the weight pressing in on him.

Radek nodded to the equipment he was setting up, "I can do it from here; also there are others in Control who can do it... if they need to. If... something happens to us." Radek shot Lorne a glance and Lorne could see the fear in his eyes and also the fierce determination to go.

"I thought you hated flying?" he said gruffly to hide the unexpected swell of emotion within him, a rush of affection that blind-sided Lorne. He'd always known the scientist was brilliant, the science team wasn't shy about telling people that they knew what they knew, but now he was seeing Radek's courage for the very first time. It took a very brave man to do the thing he feared the most because he felt that was the place where he could do the most good.

Radek snorted. "Please. I have been to bottom of ocean and been shot in the head by madman, what worse can happen to me today?"

Lorne grinned over at Zelenka, "You've just jinxed yourself you know."

Radek smiled fondly and shook his head, "You Americans are so superstitious. Here, I tell you what, you can give me a kiss for luck."

Startled, Lorne looked up into Zelenka's bright blue eyes. They twinkled with mirth despite the seriousness of the situation.

Radek's words practically hovered between them. Lorne could laugh and Zelanka would laugh with him and they would pass the comment off as a joke, something to try and break the tension of the moment. But Lorne realized he didn't want to pass if off, he wanted to feel those lips against his, find out what the scientist would sound like in the dark with their bodies pressed together.

This wasn't the time or the place, there was every chance they were going into battle and Lorne needed to stay focused on that and the colonel, but later... "Can I get a raincheck on that... Radek?" he said.

Zelenka smiled at him then, it was sweet and shy, and nodded.

"Alright then," Lorne turned to the controls, powering up the jumper, "let's go kill us some Wraith."

Lorne hit his radio as he nudged the controls of the jumper, easing them up, "This is Lorne, I'm taking off. Jumpers two and three follow me. Stay cloaked until we have to show ourselves and do not fire on the wraith until I give the order."

The iris in the roof of the jumper bay opened and they were rising into the Lantean sky.

~~~~~

Carson approached the control chair with dread. He'd never had what could be called a positive experience with the thing. Rodney was always after him to come down and work with it, but there was always something else to do, some excuse Carson could make that would keep him far away from the infernal thing. Besides there were other people better able to manipulate it – Rodney himself was better suited at using the chair than Carson.

Usually it wasn't a problem to find people to help Rodney with experiments except for times like these when those best able to use the blasted thing couldn't: Rodney was in the infirmary and Carson refused to endanger his patient because he himself was too afraid to sit in the thing, Sheppard was out of his head and was part of the reason that Carson was down here, glaring at the chair like it was a live thing that could be swayed by his displeasure.

There were other people who might have been able to sit in the bloody thing, but they were piloting jumpers to defend the city or desperately needed in other places. So, it fell to the doctor to sit in the chair that would defend the city from the Wraith. The irony was not lost on him.

Gingerly he sat and the chair, sensing his gene, lit up and reclined. Carson let himself move with it, knowing there was nothing to do but sit back and think of Atlantis.

In his ear, Carson could hear Lorne as he spoke to his pilots, _"This is Lorne in jumper one, I'm reading Sheppard's ship. Once we've launched, stay clear of him and concentrate on the Wraith ship."_

Swallowing down his fear, Carson thought about the space over the planet. A display sprang up over his head with dots representing the Wraith ship and the colonel's ship. It was very important to Carson that he know just exactly which dot was the Wraith, because if he had to start firing drones, he didn't want to hit one of Atlantis' jumpers, or, god forbid, Sheppard's ship by mistake.

Grimly Carson pressed his palms into the chair and waited for the signal that he was needed to join the fight. If they were lucky the Wraith would just continue on its way, and he'd never have to fire a shot. But luck hadn't been with them since Rodney's jumper went down. Carson didn't expect any now.

~~~~~

Elizabeth sat in her office, her hands curled around the coffee cup she held, needing the warmth. She was cold to the core. She hated that she spent so much of her time since coming to the Pegasus Galaxy worrying about the people she had to send out to die.

She would have liked to have been able to send a message to warn the Daedalus of the wraith presence. It was due to arrive at any time with their regular shipment of supplies and new personnel. It just wasn't going to arrive in time to be any help to Atlantis in its current crisis. By the time the Daedalus dropped out of hyperspace it was likely that it would all be over one way or another.

_"This is Lorne in jumper one, I'm reading Sheppard's ship. Once we've launched, stay clear of him and concentrate on the Wraith ship."_

She tried not to think about what would happen if somehow the Wraith knew that the city was still standing. They'd survived one siege by the Wraith, two would be pushing their luck. She had a view screen of her own where she could watch the situation that was literally over her head. She listened to the chatter over the radio as the jumper crews talked to each other, preparing themselves. Soon enough it would be time for her to take her place in control but for now all she could was let other people do their job.

The most important thing was that the Wraith not learn that the city of the Ancients still stood. If the worst happened, and the Wraith did know that the city hadn't been destroyed in their ruse during the first siege, Elizabeth knew that every single person in the city would fight to the death to protect Earth. She was so damn proud of every one of her people.

_"This is Lorne, I'm taking off. Jumpers two and three follow me. Stay cloaked until we have to show ourselves and do not fire on the wraith until I give the order."_

She took the last bitter swallow of her coffee and stood. Straightening her blouse with a single tug, Elizabeth walked out of her office to join those waiting for her. Everyone was where they were supposed to be and whatever happened, Elizabeth was where she was supposed to be.

~~~~~~

It didn't take Rodney long to read everything that the database contained on the Ancient ship. It was just another half-assed experiment by the Ancients, abandoned when it didn't work right the first time. Of course John Sheppard was the one paying the price for their mistakes and inability to put their toys away. Rodney was coming to hate the Ancients. Every time they found something that seemed too good to be true, it usually was.

His head was pounding and he wished the nurse would hurry up with his next dose of pain meds. Closing his eyes, Rodney rested, leaning back into the pillows.

He *needed* to be doing something to find Sheppard. They needed to talk, although Rodney was dreading that talk. They were guys after all, guys who never talked about their feelings. It's probably why Sheppard had let himself be seduced by the first Ancient fighter ship that flirted with him rather than try to work things out with a cranky, irritable, bad-with-people scientist.

"You asleep?" Ronon's low growl surprised him.

Rodney's eyes snapped open. They widened when he saw Ronon standing next to his bed with a wheel chair.

"I'm breaking you out of here," Ronon said, loud enough that the entire infirmary could hear him.

Not so much ignoring the pounding in his head as deciding it was irrelevant to the current situation, Rodney didn't even question him; he just threw the covers back and sat up, swinging his legs around. He had to pause, grabbing Ronon's arm to steady himself, when the room spun around him.

"As much as I'd like to get out of here," Rodney swallowed against the jello that was threatening to make a reappearance. It was nasty the second time around. "Maybe you were right earlier when you said I should stay in bed." He frowned up at Ronon, "And if you tell anyone I said that, they'll never find your body."

Rodney saw Ronon's amusement in the slight curve of his lips but it didn't reach his eyes. Ronon regarded him steadily, his clear, level gaze unblinking, "There's a wraith ship in orbit above the city. Beckett's in the control chair. Zelenka's in a jumper about to take on the wraith. And nobody knows what Sheppard will do. Do you really want to stay in bed?"

Rodney didn't answer. He snapped his fingers at the nurse who was approaching them with a disapproving scowl on her face. "You, nurse, take this IV out."

"Dr. Beckett's not going to like that," her prim nurse's voice held a wealth of disapproval for patients who didn't follow their doctor's orders.

Rodney gave her his best 'I can kill you with my mind' glare, "Didn't you hear the caveman? There are *wraith* in orbit around the city. Now I can lay here and we can all die together, or I can go to the control room and maybe manage once again, wounded though I may be, to save us all. You choose."

He snapped his fingers at her again. "Time's up, take this out."

The doctor on duty (the one that wasn't Carson) chose that moment to arrive on the scene.

"It's alright, Valorie," she said nodding at the nurse, "I'll take care of it."

The nurse frowned at Rodney in that 'you're going to get it now' way they had and went back to her station with her nose in the air.

Rodney turned the full force of his glare on the doctor, "Don't mess with me..." he started and then stuttered to a stop when she transferred the IV bag to the pole on the back of the wheelchair.

"Doctor Keller," she said sweetly, moving to help Ronon move Rodney into the wheelchair. "It's nice to meet you, Dr. McKay, I can see that your reputation has not been in the least exaggerated. Now," she turned to Ronon, "Dr. McKay's condition has improved enough that I'm willing to let him leave the infirmary because the situation is so extreme, but I'm holding you," she jabbed a finger in his chest and Ronon *backed up* a step, "responsible for getting him back here if his condition deteriorates in any way."

Rodney was astonished to see Ronon nodding his head in dutiful acquiescence of the tiny woman.

She turned to Rodney. She might be small but he could see the warning in her eyes, "You, I'll expect you back here as soon as the emergency is over." She tucked a blanket in around his legs.

He refused to back down from her, but he *was* relieved when Ronon started to wheel them away, "If we're all still alive, I can't think of any place I'd rather be," he called over his shoulder.


	18. Killing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Lorne piloted the jumper up through the atmosphere into space. No matter the circumstances, it still gave him a thrill of awe to be able to do that. Soon the city was out of sight and the blue of Atlantis' sky gave way to the darkness of space. Zelenka was busy at whatever it was he was doing, his attention completely focused on his computer, his fingers practically blurred as they moved over the keys. Briefly Lorne let himself wonder what those hands would feel like as they moved across his body, sure and strong. It made his pulse speed up just to think about it.

Lorne made himself push the thoughts aside. If he were going into battle he couldn't afford to be distracted, but he was determined that they were both going to get home so he could find out just what those hands could do.

It didn't take long until the darkness of space was all around them. Lorne maneuvered them so that they were beyond the cruiser, off Sheppard's six, or what he thought was Sheppard's six relative to his position on their sensors. The Wraith ship wasn't doing anything that they could see, on sensors or with the naked eye. It was just sitting there, in the space over Atlantis, hanging out.

"What are they doing?" Lorne muttered.

"If I could tell you this, we would not need to be here," Radek replied, distracted by his equipment.

"You still reading the colonel's ship?" Lorne asked unnecessarily, just for something to say. He could see the dot representing Sheppard's ship on the HUD as well as Radek. The colonel was still cloaked and invisible to the Wraith as were the jumpers, Lorne prayed he just stayed that way. He also prayed the Wraith would engage their engines and go away. He didn't really expect either thing to happen.

"Yes," Radek answered, his eyes flicking upward to check the HUD, "He is very close to Wraith ship. Too close."

"I wish we could talk to that ship," Lorne muttered.

There was a click and a light was flashing on the panel in front of him. Lorne leaned forward, "You don't think..."

Radek stood, studying the flashing panel over Lorne's shoulder. He shrugged uncertainly, "It *is* Ancient ship like jumpers. It is logical that they would be able to communicate with it."

Without waiting for Radek's okay, Lorne pushed the button, "Colonel?" he called tentatively, feeling a little silly talking to the thin air.

He was rewarded with Sheppard's irritated voice, "Lorne, what in the hell are you doing?"

Lorne shot a glance at Radek, "Can the Wraith pick this up?"

The reply was from Sheppard, "It's shielded by Grace, Major. They can't hear us unless *I* want them to. And again, what in the hell are you doing?"

Lorne and Radek exchanged cautiously pleased smiles before he answered, "I could ask you the same thing, sir."

"I'm defending Atlantis, Major. Now go back to the city and stay cloaked while I take care of this," the command tone was definitely Sheppard's, but not even John Sheppard was insane enough to take on a Wraith cruiser without a nuke in his cargo hold, or at least he hadn't been insane enough before Grace.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lay. This ship isn't doing anything but sitting around enjoying the view. Why poke the hornet's nest as long as they don't appear to know that Atlantis is still there?" Lorne knew that Sheppard really wasn't in his right mind at the moment and probably wouldn't listen to reason, but he had to at least try.

"It's Wraith, Major, that's why. Sooner or later they're going to figure out that Atlantis wasn't destroyed. We have to keep that from happening for as long as possible."

"I agree, sir..." whatever else Lorne was going to say was forgotten as they both saw the line of darts that erupted in a steady stream from the belly of the Wraith ship.

"Major," Sheppard snapped, "I'm going to take out the docking bay on this thing and then I'm going to destroy it. I'd suggest you go back to the city, but if you've got to stay, stay out of my way."

There was silence for all of two seconds and then all hell broke loose.

~~~~~

Carson could feel the sweat trickling down his nose. He was reluctant to even move his hand, afraid that any extra motion would cause something to happen that he didn't want to happen, or that the second he moved would be the second he was needed and someone would die because he was scratching his nose or something equally as ridiculous.

Carson wasn't very good at waiting like this. He was as patient as he needed to be when he was fighting for a patient's life; but this type of waiting – waiting for the fight to begin, was the worst. It gave him too much time to worry about all the things he could do wrong. He imagined his shots going amiss like it had in Antarctica and hitting one of his own people. Or not being able to initialize the weapons at all because he was so afraid of them. The city knew things like that, he was certain.

Still, it didn't help to dwell on his fears, so he worried about the colonel instead. The research in the database gave them no idea how long he could be interfaced with the ship until the changes his body was experiencing would be irreversible (What they read seemed to indicate that it was hours to sometimes days before death occurred because of differences in the ways the pilots connected with Grace.) Already his personality was so altered as to be almost unrecognizable. Carson couldn't help but be afraid that it was already too late, that John Sheppard was lost to them forever. Even if they got him back, the man they knew might never return.

It would be a devastating blow to the city. John Sheppard was someone the whole city looked to as an example of unswerving courage and loyalty. It was easier somehow going through the gate and facing the unknown because everyone knew that, if needed, Sheppard would risk his life to rescue any one of them (and had more than once). He'd do whatever was necessary to save his city and in return, the city and her inhabitants loved him.

God alone knew what impact losing John would have on Rodney. Carson was probably Rodney's closest friend besides Sheppard and he knew how much the scientist had come to depend on John Sheppard. More than even Rodney knew. The two men were connected in ways that neither were ready to acknowledge. Losing Sheppard would, for Rodney, be like losing another part of himself.

It didn't bear thinking about, so Carson went back to worrying about all the ways he could screw up sitting in the control chair.

Rodney's shrill voice startled him, "I think you took a wrong turn somewhere, weren't we supposed to be going to the control room?"

It was answered by Ronon's low grumble, "I thought the doc could use your help down here more."

Responding to his surprise, the chair sat Carson up, powering down. Carson stared speechless at the spectacle of Rodney McKay, in his scrubs with a blanket across his lap, being pushed by Ronon. At least the IV was still connected; it hung suspended from the pole on the back of the chair. Carson was frankly surprised they hadn't just removed it completely.

"What in bloody hell are you doing?" he demanded when he finally found his voice again.

"I'm out for a joy ride," Rodney snapped at him with a scowl, "what does it look like? I'm here to save us all. Again. I'm expecting the good drugs if we all survive."

Ronon moved Rodney's chair so that he was sitting at the panel of controls for the control chair, literally pushing the person already standing there out of his way. Rodney's fingers flew over the keys of the computer they had set up there as an interface with the Ancient equipment.

"Who told you you could get out of bed?" Carson demanded.

There was going to be hell to pay in the infirmary. He'd already made his displeasure clear to the nurse who had been on duty during John's 'great escape' and had okayed the marines leaving their station at John's door instead of making them wait for Lorne's approval. Carson didn't care that the marines thought that they were needed in the control room for the round up of the creatures from P86-4YY; if they were assigned to the infirmary they needed to stay in the infirmary. He could see that he was going to have to take more drastic steps to get his point across. Later. If they all survived. For the most part he was relieved to see Rodney, although he'd never tell him that.

"Oh, yes, like that's the most important issue here right now," Rodney didn't even have to look up to snip back. "If it makes you any happier, Nurse Ratchett read me the riot act before she let me go."

"Doctor Keller," Ronon said.

"What?" Carson and Rodney asked in chorus.

"It wasn't a nurse," Ronon explained. "Her name was Dr. Keller. And I have to take McKay here right back as soon as we kill the Wraith," he told them as seriously as Carson had ever seen him.

"Well," Carson leaned back, not really reassured at all, "I'm glad someone is still in control in the infirmary."

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney snorted, "now if we've got that all sorted out. You," he snapped his fingers at Carson imperiously, "bring up the view of space over Atlantis."

Carson pressed his lips together in annoyance, but he did as requested, letting himself lean back in the chair and concentrating on what was happening over their heads.

~~~~~~

There was the familiar surge of adrenaline that swept through John as he and Grace flew toward the cruiser. Grace was a steady presence at his side, feeding him information on their weapons, flight speed, trajectories, the number of darts now in the sky around them – whatever she thought he might need to know as they negotiated their way until they had a clear shot of the bay where the darts were leaving the Wraith cruiser.

The space around them grew thick with darts and Sheppard had to do some fancy flying to avoid them. He let himself glide through space, Grace responding instantly to his every thought. They stayed cloaked until the last possible second. He didn't want to advertise their presence until he'd taken out the dart bay. They would have to uncloak for that and any element of surprise they had would be lost.

Then the moment came, the space in front of them was clear and the bay was right in front of them.

"Uncloak," he said out loud even though he didn't need to. And then, "Do it," he whispered

The shot from Grace was true, finding its target unerringly. The dart bay blew with an explosion that was spectacular to behold. John wished that Rodney was there to see it.

Grace heard his thought. "You don't need him," her tone was low and surly.

They banked sharply away. Now that they'd uncloaked the darts were swarming around them, crowding them. John fired on them almost without thought. As the darts blew up they brightened the darkness of space momentarily with bright white light. He knew he should recloak and finish the job of destroying the cruiser, leave the darts for Lorne and the jumpers to take care of, but Grace's need to kill thrummed through him, forcing him to fight uncloaked, facing this enemy that she had been designed to defeat.

"I know I don't need him," John told her soothingly, "But he'd love you, too, you know. You're everything Ancient he loves – high tech and you can blow things up."

"But I belong to you," her satisfaction filled him.

Then they were too busy killing Wraith to talk any more.

~~~~~

As the other ship moved in to take its shot, Lorne took the jumper around to back up Sheppard after he took out the dart bay. Once the Wraith knew he was there, the colonel was going to need definite help. No matter how powerful Grace might be, she was only one ship and there were a lot of Wraith darts in the space around them.

Lorne directed the rest of his jumpers to hold back and pick off any darts that tried to get away.

The most important thing was going to be destroying the Wraith cruiser before it could get off any messages. Then they could concentrate on getting rid of darts, they weren't going far without the cruiser to return to.

"Has the cruiser made any sort of transmissions?" Lorne asked not taking his eyes from the HUD. It took all of his concentration to avoid the Wraith darts that were flying through the same space they were currently occupying.

"All is quiet right now. I am ready to jam if they try to make any transmissions," Radek assured Lorne, his eyes were glued to his computer screen, his fingers dancing across the keyboard in his lap.

"I think we're going to need that luck now," Lorne said as Sheppard's ship uncloaked and blew the dart bay with the very first shot.

"Oh, it is a thing of beauty," Radek murmured as they watched Grace negotiate the crowded space around her to take a kill shot at the Wraith cruiser, firing at the darts between her and her destination.

Grace *was* beautiful as she delivered death to the Wraith around her. Then they lost sight of her as Lorne uncloaked their jumper so they could join the fight.

~~~~~

It was quiet so long Carson was convinced that nothing would happen. He sat stiffly in the chair unable to relax while he sat in its cold embrace. The chair never warmed while he sat in it. He was always aware that he was sitting in an alien weapon that was just waiting for him to think the wrong thing to act.

He was pissed at Rodney for leaving the infirmary, but Carson understood why he'd done it. Rodney was the world's biggest hypochondriac, complaining bitterly about a splinter as if his finger was cut off, but he deliberately took a massive overdose of the Wraith enzyme knowing that it could kill him because he thought his team mates needed him to save them. He had a peculiar brand of courage that was like to scare Carson into an early grave. But he admired Rodney more than he'd ever tell him, there was no use feeding an already healthy ego.

Mostly Carson was surprised Rodney had stayed in bed as long as he did. Even now, Carson watched and worried about Rodney knowing that there was no way they were getting the scientist back into bed before Sheppard was safely back on Atlantis, short of Rodney himself collapsing. Which wasn't out of the question.

"Carson?" Lorne's voice reminded him that they had more urgent matters at hand.

"I'm ready and waiting, Major," he answered glancing over at Rodney.

Rodney nodded at him, his fingers poised over the keyboard, ready for whatever he needed to do.

"You can open fire anytime, Doc, there are a shit-load of darts in my space and I'd like to see them gone."

Carson took a deep breath, "How am I going to not hit our people?" he asked querulously.

"Just don't," was Lorne's short answer.

"Just don't," Carson swore to himself, "the man must think I'm a bloody miracle worker." He could feel the power of the chair and wished that it was Rodney sitting there. But even now Carson couldn't ask it. Rodney was white as a sheet and trembling where he sat.

"Can I shoot through the cloak?" Carson asked.

"Yes," Rodney said, he watched the display over Carson's head anxiously, his eyes flicking between the dots. "I'm ready to switch to the shield any time someone gives me the order. Although I think they're going to figure out we're still here when drones start appearing out of nowhere."

Carson didn't hear him; he was deep in communion with the chair, his thoughts focused on killing Wraith and *not* killing his own people.

~~~~~

They were doing it. They were actually taking out the Wraith effortlessly.

"Of course we are," Grace told him, managing to sound satisfied and hurt that he doubted her at the same time.

"We need to take out the cruiser before they put two and two together and come up with Atlantis," as much as he was enjoying taking out the Wraith like he was in a shooting gallery, Sheppard knew their time was running out. They needed to destroy the cruiser before it could get any sort of transmissions to its friends.

"Do not worry, if they try to send out a message, I can jam it." Grace informed him. "No one will know about your precious Atlantis but us."

"Good, let's keep it that way," they couldn't afford to have their first lover's spat in the middle of a war zone. John worked on keeping his own tone calm and even. "Why don't you show me how you can take out a Wraith cruiser?" he asked, knowing he could appeal to her vanity. Grace and McKay were a lot alike.

Practically with the thought there was a schematic of the cruiser in his mind. John knew the exact place to hit it to cause a cascade effect that would destroy the bigger ship completely.

"Cool," he said.

Their first shot took out the Wraith cruiser's communications system just because he could; the next target was the ship's engines. It set off the chain reaction that ripped through the whole ship. There was a blossom of red and yellow all along the sides of the ship. It nearly broke apart down the middle before it blew up with a flash that blinded John and Grace for just a moment.

A moment was all it took. A dart on their tail took a shot while they were blind, hitting Grace, spinning them around.

Pain exploded through John. It felt like his flesh was being flayed; fire ripped through him, stealing his breath.

Another shot hit them sending them tumbling back towards the planet they'd just left, spinning end over end out of control.

~~~~~

Triumphant whoops filled Lorne's ears as one dart after another was destroyed.

Lorne was careful, keeping himself between Sheppard and the remaining darts. The colonel had the best chance of taking out the cruiser and someone had to watch his six. Even though the jumpers were now uncloaked and firing on them, too, the darts were concentrating on Sheppard's ship. They came after him one by one, judging his ship to be the most dangerous.

When the Wraith cruiser was ripped apart in a series of explosions that blinded everyone for a moment, Lorne let himself feel relief. It was short-lived when he saw the dart that managed to slip between him and Sheppard. Before Lorne could get a lock on it, the dart got off a shot that punctured Grace's hull and scoured along her gleaming silver surface. The little ship veered off trying to shake the Wraith dart, but it did no good. The dart got off another shot that sent her tumbling nose over tail.

Entirely too late, Lorne targeted the Wraith and destroyed it.

"Radek, track him," Lorne bit out.

He knew his duty. He was in charge. As much as he wanted to, Lorne couldn't follow Sheppard. He had to stay, make sure that none of the remaining darts got away. It was up to him to keep the city and the secret that it still stood safeguarded. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Someone needed to follow Sheppard. He was going down fast. If he survived reentry, and an almost certain crash landing, the colonel was going to need someone to get him to Beckett's infirmary without delay.

Grimly Lorne went about the mopping up process hoping that it wouldn't be too late when he finally got to Sheppard and Grace.


	19. A Slow Spiral Back to Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

"It hurts, John," Grace moaned.

He *knew* that he wasn't injured, that the pain was entirely Grace's. But his body was telling him differently. He knew it was just circuitry and wiring, but it felt like he was being ripped to pieces. He could feel the vital fluids leaving her like he was bleeding out. He couldn't think past the white hot pain that filled him.

"Grace," he gasped out. "I can get us down, but you've got to let me go." John only had a vague idea of how he was connected to Grace, it wasn't important. But he needed to be able to think, to get them down to the surface in one piece. "Just let me get us down."

They were spinning back towards Atlantis. If he didn't get control soon, they were going to be pulled into the planet's atmosphere. They might be protected somewhat from the heat of reentry, but if he didn't slow them down... well Rodney'd be able to clean them up with a broom and a dust pan.

"I can't, I'll be alone," even through her pain John glimpsed the loneliness she'd felt left at being alone for all those thousands of years while she waited for someone to come along who would make her feel alive again. Waiting for John.

If it were possible, the pain was getting worse. He wasn't going to be able to function much longer. Soon they were both going to be lost.

"You won't be alone," he managed to get out; "I'll still be here. I've just got to get us down."

"You promise?" she asked her voice small and afraid and full of pain.

"I promise," he said.

It was like a switch was flipped. One minute he was _JohnandGrace_ , the next he was John alone once again. He wasted precious seconds scrambling desperately seeking any sign of her, but she had well and truly severed their connection. There was almost pain at being so alone.

He licked his lips, and grasped the controls in front of him firmly. He was going to have to fly the old fashioned way again.

The controls were stiff and unwieldy and felt strange in his hands, but they responded, if reluctantly. John desperately tried to pull Grace up, back into space, but she was no longer the graceful ship she had been. Whereas before she had responded to his every whim, now he had to fight the controls just to get them pulled up enough that they weren't freefalling anymore. Many of the systems were damaged and unresponsive; the ones that still worked were sluggish at best. The best he could hope for was a controlled fall.

Atlantis grew from a marble swirled with blue against the blackness of space until it filled his view and he could see nothing else. The mainland was coming up fast. It was going to hurt if he couldn't slow the ship down.

Even as he worked to convince the ship to pull up, slow down, something, anything, John felt a swell of love for Atlantis. He couldn't remember why it had been so urgent that he leave the city and all the people he cared about. He remembered everything that had happened since he'd left Rodney's lab in search of Grace, but it was like it had happened to someone else. Now all he wanted was to get back so he could figure out how to make amends to all the people he had hurt. If that was even possible.

How could he even begin to explain to Rodney what had happened? He remembered with startling clarity everything that had happened in the infirmary, including the way Rodney's lips had felt under his – a little hesitant, but definitely participating in the kiss.

He was skimming over the water now speeding toward the land mass. The ship shook around him and John pulled up hard hoping to shed some more speed before they hit land. Grace wasn't terribly cooperative. His last thoughts as the shore line approached way too fast was of Rodney and their all too brief kiss.

~~~~~

"Oh, nonononono." It was Rodney's frantic tone that pulled Carson from his communion with the chair. Most of the darts had been destroyed. Carson knew he should feel a small amount of satisfaction about the fact that he was responsible for a couple of those kills. Instead, mostly what he felt was sadness that he had been responsible for another living, breathing creature's death. It was Carson's constant struggle – that need to help the enemy that was determined to destroy them all.

There was always a moment of disorientation for Carson coming out of a deep connection with the chair that he wasn't sure anyone else experienced. Like coming out of a deep sleep, it took him a couple of seconds to remember where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.

He blinked at the room around him and he could tell that the level of tension, already high, had risen. Rodney was working feverishly at the computer, working himself into a collapse, but Carson couldn't determine the cause. Their current situation was dire, but the Wraith were all but taken care of. All that remained was figuring out a way to rescue Sheppard. Ronon, standing behind Rodney, had his hands locked so tightly on the wheelchair that his knuckles were white.

"What's happened?" Carson asked his tone quiet and resigned for more bad news.

"Sheppard's ship was hit," Ronon informed him tersely. "McKay's trying to track him now so we can send a rescue team."

It was like someone had punched him in the gut, the news hit Carson so hard.

"How bad?" he demanded.

Carson began the process of shoving himself out of the chair, getting his limbs working again. They screamed in protest after sitting so long.

"Bad enough," Rodney replied tersely, "and the rest of our people are still dealing with the remaining darts. Carson you're going to have to go after him."

Of course he had to go get Sheppard, that much was obvious. Then the true meaning of Rodney's words hit Carson. Not only was he going as a physician, but he was going to have to pilot the bloody jumper to get there. He hit his comm.

"Dr. Keller, I need you to meet me in the jumper bay. The colonel's ship has been shot down and we need to go get him."

"I'll meet you there in five with a team," was her crisp, no-nonsense answer.

Carson forced himself to move, lethargy pulling at him. Using the chair always drained him, and today he was already tired and worn. But he wouldn't trust this to anyone else. Ronon maneuvered McKay around, as if to follow him.

"Oh, no, you are not going," Carson told him in no uncertain terms.

Rodney's arms crossed mulishly and his chin went up. Carson moved to stop him before he even got started. "No, Rodney, now I mean this. You're on the edge of collapse here and I do nae need two patients to be taking care of."

It looked for a moment like Rodney intended to continue arguing and Carson was going to just leave him there, he didn't have time for it. Then Rodney nodded and he sagged in the chair, "But take Conan here with you. You might need his brute strength."

"Aye, that I'll take." Carson nodded. He gestured at the tech who was standing to the side trying not to look too obviously like he was taking in every word. "Get Dr. McKay to the infirmary. Tell my staff to tie him down if they have to to keep him there."

Rodney shook his head, "I'll be alright." Then he frowned at them, "Why are you still here?"

Inexplicably it made Carson feel better to hear his snappish tones.

Dr. Keller and the rest of their team arrived in the jumper bay at about the same time he had the jumper prepped and ready to go. He ran through a quick inventory to make sure they had all the equipment they needed. All of the jumpers were stocked with basic first aid supplies, but jumper five was equipped as a flying ambulance of sorts. Over the years that they had been on Atlantis they'd had to use it more often than Carson wanted to think about.

Still for all the speed that they got in the air, Rodney was speaking in Carson's ear, exhorting him to go faster. "He's down, Carson, on the mainland. I'm relaying the coordinates to you now. Be careful, it would be just like you to crash the jumper before you got to Sheppard." There was a long pause and Carson worried that Rodney had finally collapsed, but then his voice returned ragged and weary, "I don't show any life signs... God, Carson, aren't you gone yet?"

Carson forgave Rodney his acidic tone. They were all stretched thin by the events of the last days, Rodney more so than anyone else. How the man was still sitting upright and conscious was beyond Carson, sheer stubbornness had to account for most it.

He listened to Rodney ramble with one ear and his team going over procedures with the other. The jumper lifted smoothly from the jumper bay floor and they were rising above the city, speeding toward their destination.

They reached the crash site much quicker than he would imagined, maybe the flying went smoother when he didn't actually think about it, which was exactly what Sheppard was always telling him.

Carson was appalled at what they found. Sheppard's ship had gouged a trough in the verdant Atlantean countryside that was visible from the air. There were pieces of the ship strewn all along its path and Carson didn't actually expect to find it still intact just from the amount of debris they saw on their approach.

When they arrived at the crash site, it was ugly. What was left of the ship had shoved up a hilly mound of dirt and it was embedded in it, nose first, listing to the side. It was no longer shining and beautiful. It was a broken thing; missing both its wings. They had been shorn off somewhere along its path. Its hull was just gone, exposing the delicate circuitry underneath. There was an ominous pall of smoke that hung over the whole thing.

"There aren't any life signs," Keller informed him quietly.

The mood in the jumper was somber. Many of the people that had come on the med team had taken care of the colonel more than once after he'd almost lost his life saving them all. They were all aware of the risks that John Sheppard would take for any one of them. Oh, it was true that John Sheppard could be a right pain in the arse as a patient, but the medical staff would do anything to save him. Carson just hoped there was something still to save.

As soon as he had the jumper on the ground, Carson was out of the pilot's seat headed for the hatch when Ronon caught him, bringing him up short.

"We need to check out the area," he said, "make sure there aren't any Wraith out there."

"I don't have time for this," Carson said, shaking him off and continuing toward the hatch.

Ronon caught his arm again and shoved him up against the wall.

"There could be Wraith out there," he growled. "Sheppard would have my ass if you got taken because I didn't do my job."

He shoved Carson over to one of his people and he and the two marines that had accompanied them went out to secure the sight.

Carson gritted his teeth and waited, medical equipment sitting at his feet. He bounced on his heels impatient to be out, doing what he came to do. Save John Sheppard. He was well aware that every second could mean the difference between life and death for John. He was sure that Ronon knew that, too. His gaze desperately roamed over the smoking ruins of the ship looking for a familiar figure.

Jennifer Keller stood beside him. "You know I've heard of John Sheppard's luck, it's legendary."

He appreciated what she was trying to do, he really did but, "everyone's luck runs out sometimes," he told her sharply. He desperately wanted to believe that Sheppard would be lucky this time, but he couldn't afford to let himself. He was a doctor, he couldn't depend on luck.

"He's here," Ronon shouted then, and waived an all clear. Carson sprinted the short distance to the ship.

It was even worse up close. The ship was twisted and bent. The circuitry was spilling out onto the ground and there was an oily substance oozing out, it was too dark and thick for blood, but Carson avoided it anyway.

Ronon had literally ripped the cockpit off the ship for him. It was a twisted, dented mass of a clear plastic-like substance and metal lying in the grass next to the ship. Carson negotiated his way up the side of the ship with a hand from Ronon who stayed at his side to steady him.

The inside of the cockpit was blackened with broken gauges and dials, it was littered with glass and metal shards, and the electronic components were sending out sparks that could cause the whole thing to blow up at any time.

Sheppard was a limp mass, slumped forward over the controls, unmoving and unresponsive to Carson's attempts to rouse him. Carson reached down and put two fingers on Sheppard's neck, hardly daring to breathe, afraid he might miss the pulse there it was so faint. But it was there.

"He's alive," Carson called out to those anxiously waiting. "The ship must still be preventing us from reading his life signs." He could hear the relieved sighs as he bent back to the colonel.

"Yeah," Ronon said, barely loud enough to be heard. Carson felt the hand that was steadying him tighten a fraction.

"It's bad though, isn't it?" Ronon asked low enough that no one else heard.

"Aye," Carson said, running his hands over the colonel's body where it lay slumped over the controls.

"You need to work quick, Doc," he said. "I think this ship may blow up."

Carson could smell the acrid scent of burning electronics; he knew their time was limited. Sheppard's time was limited.

Carson worked swiftly, doing his best to ignore the bruises and cuts he found; they could be dealt with later. There was almost certainly going to be broken bones and internal bleeding but at the moment Carson's first priority was immobilizing John's head and back so they could move him without causing further injury. Remembering Lorne's initial descriptions of finding Sheppard in the cockpit with lines twining the colonel's body, Carson had expected the colonel to be somehow physically connected to the ship. Their first break was finding that the cables were lying loosely twined around Sheppard's body but not inserted into his body in any way.

"Alright," Carson said when he'd done everything he could, "move him carefully."

They had to get the colonel sitting so they could remove the helmet he was wearing before they could get on a brace or immobilize him in any way. Ronon practically crawled into the cockpit to ease John up gently while Carson pulled it off.

The second break they got was that the helmet had served to protect the colonel's head, at least a little bit. There was a cut across one temple oozing blood and a spectacular bruise already blooming across his face, but it was better than Carson had expected.

He got a neck brace onto John and then signaled Ronon that he could pull the colonel out. His team was waiting with a back board and they maneuvered it into place as Ronon got John out of the ship enough that they could lay him onto it.

The marines helped to lower him gently to the ground and they moved him swiftly to the jumper. Through it all Sheppard remained unconscious and unaware of what was going on around him.

Carson had been relieved to find out that one of the marines had the ATA gene and could pilot the jumper back to Atlantis. Arriving with the Daedalus on its last supply run, the young marine hadn't been trained enough on the jumpers to go into a combat situation, but his skills were good enough to get them home while Carson continued to monitor Sheppard's condition.

It was a good thing because Sheppard coded for the first time just as they took off for the return flight back to Atlantis.


	20. Down the rabbit hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Radek did not like the room where the colonel's body lay. It was dark and cold, it made him shiver to move among the silent machines and know that the room's purpose was to eke out life for those on the edge of death. It was a miracle, yes, but still rather creepy.

Radek paused at the door of the pod room and stood a moment uncertainly letting his eyes adjust to the dimness of the room. Rodney was right where Radek had known he'd be, sitting in a wheelchair next to the colonel. Despite Carson's lecturing and remonstrations and Rodney's own injuries, he'd refused to move except when forced to by his body's own needs. Carson had finally given in and let him stay, bringing in one of the infirmary beds to sit next to Sheppard's. Rodney preferred the chair so he could stay next to Sheppard and be right beside him when he woke up.

"To yell at him," he told the others.

But he didn't fool Radek. He saw Rodney press his fingers to the cool dome of Sheppard's pod when he thought no one was looking. He heard Rodney talking to the Colonel's unconscious body when he thought he was alone with him.

Teyla and Ronon brought him food. Carson made sure he got his meds and the nurses changed the IV hanging from the pole on the back of his chair regularly so the only thing he really had to leave for was for calls of nature. Rodney made sure there was always someone sitting next to Sheppard before he took those infrequent breaks, coming back much too quickly.

He had been sitting there for two days now, waiting for some confirmation that John Sheppard was going to pull through and still be the John Sheppard they all knew. Radek didn't know what would happen if Sheppard didn't wake up. Rodney might be lost to them, too.

Right now Rodney was staring at Sheppard with a mulish determined look on his face. It was one Radek recognized from the labs. Rodney always wore that expression when he was going to suggest something that was likely to get them all killed or would save the day in a particularly spectacular fashion, which was usually one and the same thing. It would be frightening if it weren't so comforting to see that look on Rodney's face, to know his brain was moving again finding a way to pull or poke or prod Sheppard back into the waking world. If anyone could do it, it would be Rodney McKay.

Radek almost turned around and left right then knowing that Rodney was going to do something that was going to get them both in trouble, but he just couldn't leave his friend alone, especially at a time when he needed someone at his side the most. Usually that someone was John Sheppard, but since Sheppard was a little inconvenienced at the moment it was left to Radek to stay at his side.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him before he could enter the room.

Radek turned to look back at Lorne standing behind him, peering over his shoulder. The major's face still wore the grey pallor that had been haunting him for days now. There was no time for rest between sabotage attempts, attempted murder and Wraith attacks. None of them had time to rest as they worried for Sheppard and tried to hold the city together without Rodney McKay.

"Hey," Lorne said quietly, his breath tickling the back of Radek's neck he stood so close. "Any news?" He nodded at the still figure of Rodney McKay. Radek was very aware of the hand on his shoulder, of the warmth of that hand as it pressed ever so gently and with a little more intent than might be obvious to the casual observer.

They hadn't had time for anything since returning to Atlantis. The promise made in the jumper two days before still hung between them just a little out of their reach. They were both reluctant to act on anything until they knew that Sheppard was going to make it. Radek refused to think about what they would do if the worst happened.

Radek sighed and leaned back a little, letting himself feel Evan's hand on his back. He shook his head.

"There is no change. Colonel is... not good." They'd all been there for Carson's debriefing when he'd finally emerged from surgery and announced that he was going to try the medical pods. They'd heard the interminable list of Sheppard's injuries. It was bad. Very bad.

Evan's hand moved a little and his thumb skimmed the back of Radek's neck.

"Is this pod thing helping at all?"

Radek shrugged, "It is not hurting," was all he could say.

From where they stood, Radek and Lorne could just make out the pod which held the colonel's body. It was a miracle that he was still alive and that could probably be attributed to the pod. It just looked too much like a funeral bower for Radek's peace of mind.

"I need to go," Evan said at last, "I've got stuff to do." He jerked a thumb back to indicate the city and his duties as acting military commander which waited outside the door of the little room where the medical pods were housed. Until the Daedalus and Caldwell showed up he was in charge.

"You should rest," Radek scolded him gently.

Lorne smiled at him, "Yeah, like you can talk. Beckett's been trying to get you back into the infirmary for the last two days."

Radek scowled, "I am too fast for him."

The thumb on the back of his neck moved a little in a caress, "Well, I can't say I disagree with him, you should be in the infirmary."

Radek snorted, "Good thing you are in charge of military and not infirmary then. Did you not say you had work to do?"

"Yeah, yeah." Evan's thumb caressed the back of Radek's neck again and then it was gone. "Let me know if anything changes, okay." He cast a worried glance over at his commander and friend.

"I will," Radek assured him. Lorne nodded and disappeared down the hall.

Radek watched him go enjoying the thought that someday soon he was going to know what that body felt like pressed up against his own. When Evan disappeared around a corner, Radek sighed softly and moved to where Rodney sat vigilantly keeping watch over Sheppard's still form.

Radek was unprepared to for just how bad the colonel looked. His skin was waxy and pale under the bruises and cuts, like he was already dead. The sheet that was pulled up to his chin covered the broken bones and the incisions from emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding, but Radek had seen them, he knew they were there. The only sign that Sheppard might still be alive was in the slight rise and fall of his chest.

"You know a watched colonel does not wake," Radek said quietly. He patted Rodney's shoulder awkwardly. Comforting touches were not part of their relationship, but Radek felt like something was called for.

Rodney didn't shrug his hand away, which was wrong. He did scowl up at Radek, but it lacked any heat or ire.

"Did you want something, or are you just here to gawk at sleeping beauty?" Rodney's gaze flickered back to John, lying in his pod.

"More like Snow White, do you not think?" Radek asked quietly. The room demanded whispers and quiet tones. Like most funeral homes Radek had ever visited.

Rodney snorted, "You here to play the part of Dopey?"

Radek chose to ignore the jab, it was pretty mild by McKay standards. "She woke up, did she not?" Radek pointed out. "Saved by true love's kiss."

Rodney looked back at him and Radek was the one who had to look away then, the pain and sorrow was too much for him to see, "Oh, please," was all Rodney said.

Radek didn't know what to say and for once Rodney was silent. Radek wanted to say something about it being a sign of the coming apocalypse, but the mood was all wrong for that.

When at last Rodney spoke, Radek got that bad feeling again. The one he got when Rodney was suggesting something that was going to get them all killed.

"There was a shared virtual reality in these things on the Aurora," he said as offhand as if they were discussing the weather or what mystery meal the mess hall was going to be serving that day.

"Yes?" Radek answered trying to keep his tone as noncommittal as possible. Already he could see where Rodney was going to go with this and he didn't know if he was going to be able to do what Rodney wanted.

"Shit, Radek," Rodney came alive then, scrubbing a hand across his face, wincing when he encountered his bandaged forehead. "I've got to do something. No one knows if Sheppard's even still Sheppard in there..."

"Carson thinks that the link with ship has been broken," Radek pointed out helpfully hoping to deflect and sidetrack Rodney.

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney rolled his eyes, "Carson *thinks*. Medicine is only so much hocus pocus. I'm telling you there's a way for us to find out if Sheppard's still in there or not." He gave a furtive glance around the room to make sure no one else could hear them. While there was a regular check on the Colonel's condition, at the moment it was just Rodney and Radek.

Radek decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak, "Rodney, you can not go into virtual reality. What if Sheppard is not in there?"

"Then I'll come back out," Rodney insisted stubbornly.

"What if he is lost?"

"Then I'll help him find his way," Rodney bulldozed right over him. "Listen, Radek, I'm going to do this with or without your help," the stubborn thrust of his chin said as much as his words. He stared hard at Radek, daring him to raise any more objections.

Radek had been afraid of that.

And yes, he *could* rat Rodney out to the medical staff, but then he'd be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. Because Rodney didn't believe that revenge was a dish best served cold. He believed that it was a dish best served hot and often. Radek had seen some of the things done to the people who incurred the Wrath of Rodney. He didn't want to be on that list. Besides he wanted to help Sheppard, too, and Rodney was his friend. Elizabeth had said, "If Rodney can't turn to you..."

Radek nodded reluctantly, "What do you want me to do?" he asked slowly.

~~~~~

Rodney found himself on a sandy beach that was remarkably similar to a beach that he and John had relaxed on one afternoon after helping the Athosians with their planting. The day was warm, almost too warm, but the wind coming in off the ocean was cool and steady with a salty tang to it that stung his nose.

He was relieved to find that he wasn't in the scrubs that he'd been wearing when the lid of the pod closed over him. Instead he was wearing his 'I'm with Genius' t-shirt and a tan pair of linen pants that were rolled up around his ankles. His feet were bare. He wondered who programmed the clothes into the virtual environment because he felt completely ridiculous.

Rodney shaded his eyes with a hand trying to decide which way to go. There was only sand and ocean for as far as he could see in every direction. As pleasant as the place was, he wasn't there for a vacation. If he were, a beach certainly wouldn't have been his choice anyway. He should have known to bring sunscreen, because this was Sheppard and of course there would be a beach.

Curiously he kicked at the sand with his bare toes, digging into it, feeling its weight and texture. It was hot, almost burning the soles of his feet until a wave rolled in to soothe them and cool the sand. Then it rolled back out again, just the way that waves did. Overhead there was the occasional call of a bird as it flew overhead. He watched one for a moment as it followed the air currents – swooping and diving down to snatch something with fins from the water and then flying away with its dinner secured.

Rodney watched the bird until it disappeared from sight and it continued looking like a bird, it flew like a bird with a heavy burden in its mouth, beak... whatever, until he could see it no longer.

"Huh," he said to no one in particular.

It was all very interesting, but it wasn't helping him find Sheppard. Somehow he had thought this would be easy. But then again it was Sheppard, so when had anything about John Sheppard ever been easy?

He took a final look around before just choosing a direction at random and taking it when he finally saw the footprints in the sand. Well, that was more like it. Ronon would be proud of his tracking skills.

With an aggrieved huff that John was making Rodney *look* for him, Rodney set off up the beach to find out where the footsteps led.

~~~~~

Lorne walked away regretfully. He wanted to stay with Radek, but Sheppard would be pissed if (*when* Lorne told himself firmly) he woke up to find the whole city standing vigil at his bedside instead of doing their work.

He didn't think he'd ever been so tired in his life, but he knew that if he went back to his quarters and tried to sleep he'd just end up tossing and turning unable to turn his brain off after the events of the last few days. The fact that he was now in charge of the safety and welfare of the whole expedition also weighed heavily on him. He really didn't know how Sheppard managed to sleep at night.

What little sleep he had managed to snatch always ended in a nightmare. The nightmares that interrupted his sleep these days involved a certain Czech scientist lying in a pool of blood. Maybe if he could put the matter of Dr. Miles Costas to bed for once and all, that particular nightmare would end. Making a decision, Lorne's steps turned to his office.

One of the science guys had broken the encryption on Costa's computer and Lorne needed to find out if there was anything on it that would further explain the man's motives in trying to kill McKay. Sure they had plenty of physical evidence and eye witness testimony. The facts weren't in question; it would just be nice to tie everything up with a neat little bow when he turned over his report to the SGC. If Costas was like every other science geek Lorne knew, then his plan would be recorded to the last detail on his computer somewhere, they were all anal like that.

He stopped at the mess to get a cup of coffee before he headed to his office. It was likely to be a long night.


	21. Truth will out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

As Rodney walked he couldn't help but worry about what he would find when he finally caught up with Sheppard. Carson had been pretty confident that Grace's hold on John had been broken, but he wasn't sure what after affects there would be, if there would be some sort of addiction such as Rodney had experienced with the Wraith enzyme.

Lorne and Radek had checked out the ship on the mainland after ensuring that all the Wraith darts had been destroyed. Radek had confirmed that the ship was essentially dead and there were no functioning systems left. But Rodney wasn't sure that meant that Grace was gone. This was a completely new technology they were working with. Even after three years of studying Ancient tech Rodney didn't completely understand *how* it worked with the ATA gene.

Despite the heat of the sun beating down on his shoulders it was a pleasant enough day if you were unfortunate enough to be out trudging through the sand. Just when the sun's warmth became too much and Rodney could feel the sweat begin to trickle down his neck, a cloud would roll in to shade him and the breeze would stir and cool him back down.

He walked what felt like a long time. He hated walking in sand. It sucked at his feet making every step harder. Sand got in between his toes and he refused to think about what was *in* the sand. It might be a virtual environment, but it *felt* like sand. And there were squishy things in sand that could sting and cut and infect. Sheppard had been stunned in the Aurora's virtual environment and it had worked just like a real stun. Rodney had a feeling if he got cut by something while walking in the sand it was going to hurt like a bitch.

And still, no matter how far he walked, the footsteps just kept stretching out ahead of him.

He walked long enough that the sun began to start its downward slide into evening and the shadows started to lengthen around him. Rodney was horrified to discover that his arms were beginning to acquire a pink glow where the short-sleeved shirt he was wearing left them exposed to the damaging influence of the sun. He could only imagine that his face was beginning to burn, too. Yeah a virtual sunburn was going to hurt just as much as the real thing, too. Maybe he'd be out before he started to blister and peel. He'd better be out before he started to blister and peel or there'd be hell to pay, he promised himself grimly

Rodney was busy making a mental list of the things he had endured so far to find Sheppard as he rounded a curve of the beach and discovered John himself there, just ahead of him trudging up the beach away from Rodney.

"Colonel," Rodney called breathlessly, barely daring to believe that he'd really found him.

Rodney allowed himself to believe for the barest fraction of a second that everything was going to be alright. That John was himself and that he'd beat the odds. Again.

John swung around and paused, seeing Rodney there. He seemed to weigh his options. He turned back to survey the beach in the direction he had been headed. He spent long seconds making up his mind and Rodney was gathering himself to tackle the man before Sheppard finally trudged back across the sand to where Rodney was waiting.

And then John was standing in front of him and Rodney couldn't lie to himself. John looked like he'd run a marathon, his skin was clammy and sweaty, his eyes were red-rimmed and bruised looking. His hands clenched and unclenched and he had a jittery nervous bounce to him. Even his hair was wilted and sad.

"Rodney, you have to help me find her," he implored, desperation in his voice.

Rodney forced himself not to take Sheppard by the shoulders and shake him. "Colonel, you've got to listen to me..." he began but Sheppard stepped forward and grabbed his arm.

"No, Rodney, you listen to me." His grip was tight enough that Rodney thought he could feel the bones in his wrist grinding together. "You've got to help me. I've got to find her."

Sheppard was breathing hard and there was panic in his eyes. It hurt Rodney to see him like this. John was always so in control and Grace had taken that away from him. If he could, he would disassemble her piece by piece, but they didn't know what destroying her like that would do to John Sheppard.

"Sheppard, she's killing you," Rodney told him, willing John to listen to him.

Sheppard twisted Rodney's wrist and Rodney was on his knees in the sand, Sheppard looming over him. "Don't talk about her like that. She loves me and I love her. She's all I've got, McKay. You've got to help me find her."

"Or what, John?" Rodney said his name quietly, deliberately. He'd never actually said Sheppard's first name out loud to him face to face, it was necessary to maintain the proper distance between them, to not forget that they were friends and colleagues. Rodney hoped that it might shock John into giving him the second he needed to make him listen to reason.

He met Sheppard's wild gaze with his own steady one. He didn't blink or back down even when he felt the pressure on his wrist increasing until he thought surely the bone would snap.

~~~~~~

The lights on the control panel of Rodney's pod blinked reassuringly green. Rodney seemed okay inside the pod. His color had even improved, with a little pink in his cheeks, and his chest rose and fell at a reassuringly even pace. The pain lines that had been etched into his forehead and around his eyes for the past two days were smoothed out; he looked almost innocent and very, very young. He was as at peace as Radek had ever seen him look. He allowed himself a shaky breath.

His relief was short lived when he heard the sound of footsteps. Radek looked up to see one of Carson's nurses enter the room. Her eyes widened as she took in Radek standing next to one of the previously unused pods, Rodney currently in residence.

"What do you think you're doing?" she snapped.

This was so not good. Radek swallowed nervously realizing that Rodney had left him to face the music and to explain the entire situation alone. The bastard. The fecus was about to fly.

"Well, you see..." he stuttered fluttering a hand at the pod not knowing where to start.

But the nurse was smart; she took in the situation at a glance. "McKay put himself in a pod? It probably has some sort of interlinked virtual reality like the ones on the Aurora," she mused. Her glance swung between McKay's now-occupied pod and Sheppard's. A curious smile formed on her face.

She moved to peer down at Rodney's still form shoving in next to Radek.

Radek allowed himself to be shoved, he was busy formulating the excuses and reasons that might convince the medical personnel and Carson not to pull the plug on the experiment and pull Rodney kicking and screaming out of his pod.

He could use some down time, Radek reasoned quickly, Rodney was still recovering from his own injuries in the puddle jumper crash. Time spent in a medical pod might be a good thing. Yes, that might work....

Then the nurse looked up at Radek with a cold calculating glitter in her eyes and he began to get a really bad feeling. Kind of like the one he had right before the weapons platform on Doranda blew up taking out 3/4 of a solar system.

_5/6th of a solar system_ , a phantom voice snapped at him.

"You didn't listen to me then either when I told you it was a bad idea," Radek silently reminded the voice.

Aloud he said, "Perhaps I should get Carson?" Not wanting to leave Rodney alone with the nurse, Radek reached up to tap the radio he wore.

She caught his arm in a vice-like grip. She was much stronger than her slender frame implied.

"No," she said with a satisfied purr, "this will be perfect."

She twisted his arm behind him. Radek felt the bone snap like a twig. For a moment he knew nothing but pain, it raced through him stealing his breath. He concentrated on breathing, pushing the pain away so he could think and process the situation.

When he could finally think again he found himself on the floor, the nurse still standing at the control pad for Rodney's pod. Only now she was pushing buttons and there was alarms going off stridently around them.

"No!" he tried to push himself up. The nurse produced a gun from the pocket of her jacket. "You're going to die anyway, Doctor," she told him calmly. "It can be now or it can be later. If it's now, I'm going for the gut and let you bleed out just for being a pain in my ass. If you want to try for later then just leave me alone."

Radek stared up at her appalled, desperately trying to figure out what to do. He wasn't an idiot. Someone was going to hear the alarms and see that things were going wrong in the pod room. He just prayed that it was soon enough to save Rodney. He scuttled away from her cradling his injured arm to him. It seemed to satisfy her as she turned back to the pod.

"What are you doing?" he asked, just so she wouldn't think she had cowed him completely.

She laughed. "If you want something done right, don't send a man," was her cryptic answer.

Radek began to put the pieces together. "You were working with Dr. Costas?"

She was a nurse. It all fit together so neatly in retrospect. Of course Costas had an accomplice in the infirmary: someone to help him steal the Irratus bug enzyme, someone to turn off vital equipment that was monitoring Rodney's condition, someone to give the okay for marines to leave their post, someone to come back and do the job right when Costas failed in the first place. Radek moaned.

"Oh, please," the nurse rolled her eyes in a perfect imitation of Rodney's 'why am I cursed to work with such idiots' roll. "*He* was working for me."

Radek's hope for help died when the door to the room slid closed and he heard it lock.


	22. At last to see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

"Are you going to hurt me?" Rodney gritted his teeth determined that he wasn't going to back down. Oh, he might whimper and cry like a girl, but he had to get through to Sheppard somehow. If Sheppard had to break his wrist for that to happen, well, Rodney would make him pay for that later. "Well, Colonel?" he got out as Sheppard's hold tightened even more.

Before the bones in his wrist snapped, Sheppard released Rodney and backed away, his face working in horror. He stared down at Rodney on his knees in the sand. "I... no... Rodney, I wouldn't hurt you. I've just... I've got to find her. It's killing me to be away from her."

"Listen to me, John, just for a minute. You trust me, don't you?" _Please let him trust me,_ Rodney thought desperately.

John seemed to consider it. He stared down at Rodney, his body tense and poised as if to flee any minute, but slowly he nodded.

"Good. That's good. I'm glad to hear it." Rodney stood slowly, brushing the sand from his knees. He rubbed his injured wrist absently, "Do you remember crashing, John?"

John shook his head, but then his eyes narrowed and he reconsidered his answer. "Maybe..." he said, worrying at his lower lip as he thought about it.

"You did, on the mainland. But first you saved Atlantis, you and Grace."

John's gaze grew distant as he turned his gaze inward searching his memory, "We destroyed a Wraith cruiser?" he asked slowly, clearly uncertain of what he remembered.

"Yes." Rodney wanted to cheer but he remained calm, kept his tone even. "But then you got hit by a dart and you crashed on the mainland."

John frowned at him suspiciously, "How did I end up here?" He waved a hand toward the sand and the sea.

"You were badly injured, more dead than alive." Rodney took a step toward him, but Sheppard moved back so Rodney didn't push it. "After our experience on the Aurora, Carson found some pods like they had. Remember? Only they were medical pods, designed to maintain bodies that were near death. He put you in one."

Sheppard cocked his head and regarded Rodney with narrow-eyed speculation, "Are you saying... We're in some sort of virtual reality?"

"Hah!" Rodney crowed, "I always knew you had a brain hidden in all that hair somewhere."

John took a step to him, and reached for his arm. Rodney flinched, but didn't pull away, "You've got to get me out. I've got to get back to Grace. We were leaving together."

He was like a broken record with only one refrain. It was driving Rodney crazy, "Shit, John, listen to me! SHE is killing you. She's destroyed your immune system and unless Carson can get it back on track any one of a dozen things are going to kill you and that doesn't count the injuries you sustained in the crash. She's messing with your head even now and she's a smoking slab heap on the main land."

John stared at him breathing hard, "You're lying. She's not!" he accused in a hard, bitter voice. "She can't be gone," he said his voice now broken and choked. It hurt Rodney to hear, but it just hardened him even more against the Ancient ship. It was gone and dead, but the compulsion remained. Rodney was never more determined in his life. He would get through to Sheppard.

"Why would I lie, Sheppard?" Rodney shouted at him.

"Because you're jealous," John snapped back at him. "You can't have Sam Carter, so you don't want anyone else to be happy either."

"Is that what this is about?" Rodney asked thoughtfully. "You think I don't love you?" He searched John's eyes trying to find some semblance of the John Sheppard he knew, something that he could grab onto. "Because I do you know."

There was a tense silence between them as Rodney waited for whatever was going to happen next.

The next thing he knew, Rodney was standing in a puddle jumper. Not just any puddle jumper, it was jumper six at the bottom of the ocean. The water was knee deep and cold, just as Rodney remembered it. The lights were dim, they flickered on and off. John still stood next to him; hand on his arm, watching him intently.

"Why are we here, John?" Rodney asked, tired to his core, not sure what was happening.

"I want to know," John said.

Rodney searched the jumper looking for any clue of what John might be talking about. It was pretty much the way he remembered it, cold and wet, only his headache wasn't as bad this time.

"Know what?" he asked finally.

"You thought you were going to die down here," John accused him harshly.

Rodney nodded, ashamed. He really had thought he was going to die. He didn't have enough faith in his friends to believe they could rescue him.

"If you love me, why was it Sam Carter that you hallucinated down here with you for your last few hours of life?" John's eyes on his were hard and accusing.

Rodney knew his mouth was hanging open, he just couldn't believe it. "Is that what this is about? You're... what? Jealous of a hallucination?"

John just waited.

Rodney sat, drawing his feet up out of the water. Even in a virtual reality he didn't enjoy being cold and wet. It was too close to his real life. "Alright, if you must know, I didn't want you down here with me," he said reluctantly.

"I knew it," John said. He let go of Rodney's arm and drew away. "I always knew you could never want me. I'd hoped..." he sounded so lost and sad. It made Rodney ache to hear it.

Rodney reached out and grabbed John's hand. He drew Sheppard down to sit on the bench next to him. "You are an idiot, you know that don't you?" he told Sheppard fondly. "I didn't want you down here with me because I wanted you back up on the surface working on rescuing me." John's eyes met his. Rodney thought he could see John there looking back at him. "I think I knew, subconsciously anyway, if anyone could rescue me, it would be you. That you'd never give up."

"I... what?" Sheppard looked like his whole world had tilted and then righted itself back into the correct orbit.

"Sam Carter was down here with me because I didn't care if she lived or died... Or I mean, I do care, but not like that... Oh, shit, just come here," and Rodney pulled John to him and kissed him.

At first he wondered if it would feel different to kiss someone in a virtual reality. Would it be the same as kissing someone in the real world? And then he realized that it was his lips on John's and his brain shorted out. All he could feel was the soft warmth of John's mouth, the way he responded to the pressure of Rodney's lips. Rodney slipped his hand up to cup the back of John's head and let his fingers slide into that wild hair. It was perfect, just the way Rodney had always imagined it would be, except for the drip, drip, drip of the water in the jumper.

When John gasped Rodney thought it was in response to their kiss. When he went slack in Rodney's grip, Rodney figured out that something was desperately, completely wrong.

They were back on the beach. Rodney was sitting in the sand and Sheppard was slumped against him, gasping for breath.

"Something's wrong," he got out between shuddering breaths.

Rodney could feel it now, too. There wasn't enough air and there was a pressure of something sitting on his chest forcing the air out even as he tried to draw it in. He felt John's hand on his, felt John lace their fingers together.

"Love you," he heard John grit out before the darkness claimed him.

~~~~~

He had to do something. The nurse, Radek had no clue of her name, just kept inputting commands into the pod's control system until both of the occupied pods were filling with some sort of opaque gas. It swirled around Sheppard's and McKay's bodies until he could no longer see them through the clear material of the pod itself. The alarms were, if anything, getting louder and more strident. Radek knew that meant something bad for the occupants of the pods.

No one was going to save them this time. Radek was certain of it.

Steeling himself, Radek pushed himself to his feet. He swore in Czech when he inadvertently bumped his broken arm against the wall. The pain sent black spots dancing before his eyes and he swayed drunkenly holding onto consciousness. The nurse didn't even look up from what she was doing.

Radek breathed in great gulps, panting through the pain.

"You are going to kill them," he said.

"That's kind of the point," she sneered at him.

Radek gaped up at her. He was a scientist who looked for the answers to life's mysteries. He found beauty in the intricacies of math and science. They were simple and ordered compared to the twisted depths of the human psyche. He hadn't understood Costas's ambitions; he certainly didn't understand this woman.

"But why?" he asked helplessly, at a loss for what to do.

She pushed a final button and seemed to be satisfied with her work. "Because my lover," the word dripped with disdain, "couldn't get the job done. God, the man was an idiot. I thought I could use his ambition for McKay's job to get him to kill Rodney, but no, he couldn't even do that. So, I'm here to finish the job. There's going to be a little accident."

"No one will believe this is accident," Radek knew he couldn't make her see reason but he'd just seen something that gave him hope. If he could just keep her talking....

Rodney was always going on about the idiots in his department, how the entire city would sink back into the sea without him. Well, Radek was going to tell him how wrong he was once he was out of that damned pod. He was going to tell him how they managed to get the door to the pod room open without the great Rodney McKay or Sheppard and his magic gene. That is if Radek lived through the experience himself.

"You're probably right," inexplicably she agreed with him. "Unless it was caused by you."

The pain was jumbling Radek's mind so much he couldn't follow her reasoning, "I? Me?" he parroted feeling as slow and stupid as Rodney sometimes accused him of being.

She shook her head, tsking sadly in false grief, "You should have known better than to play with equipment you knew nothing about. By the time I got here the lab was completely in flames." She wiped away an imaginary tear as she told her 'story.' "It will be a terrible tragedy, of course, but there was nothing I could do. Don't worry I'll tell everyone how brave you were as you tried to get McKay out of the pod even though there were flames all around you. Believe me; they'll give you some sort of a posthumous medal for how fucking brave you're going to be." She grinned over at him. It was coldly malicious and downright gleeful. She was enjoying herself.

"No one will believe that," Radek protested. But he knew that they would. He could see it all too clearly. They courted disaster every day working with equipment and technology that they knew too little about. It wouldn't be hard to convince everyone that this time their infamous good fortune had run out.

Radek tried not to look at the door, he didn't want to draw her attention to it, but he found he could just see it from the corner of his eye. When the door had first opened just moments before, it had been barely a sliver, certainly not enough to allow a person through. Now fingers had appeared in that slight opening forcing the gap wider; it was slow, but it was opening. It was almost wide enough to admit a body. Radek just had to keep the nurse talking, keep her attention fixed on him until help arrived.

"But why Rodney?" Radek asked. "I know... I know, he can be irritating, egotistical, maniacal, but still, you get used to him after a while."

The nurse tilted her head and studied him through narrowed eyes. "Because he was in my way," she spit out. "Let's just say that my superiors at the Trust got tired of his interference. He kept too close of an eye on the Ancient tech, I couldn't get anything out of here."

Radek leaned back against the wall. "You work for Trust?" His arm hurt more than he had ever known anything could hurt and he had to grope to find the words in English, "But I thought...?"

"You thought Caldwell was the only one? God, you are all naïve idiots." She turned to him, raising the gun with finality. "But you don't have to worry about it anymore because now it's time for you to die." Radek's breath caught and he stood waiting for death.

Even though he knew he was going to die, Radek kept hoping for someone to come through the door. It might be too late for him, but perhaps not for Rodney and Colonel Sheppard.

When help arrived, it came from a totally unexpected direction. A decorative panel opposite from where Radek stood suddenly flew into the room. His eyes widened as Lorne literally unfolded from the small space.

Maybe she caught the movement of the panel falling out of the corner of her eye; maybe she read the astonished surprise in Radek's eyes because the nurse swung around. She brought her weapon up to target the major as she snarled, "I don't believe this," she screamed from gritted teeth.

Time slowed down and Radek stood rooted to the spot as Lorne brought his weapon up, but it was too late. She already had her weapon trained on the major and her finger was tightening on the trigger.

Radek pushed himself off the wall with his good arm and threw himself bodily at the nurse as she squeezed the trigger. He shoved the arm with the gun up, hoping to ruin her aim.

She pulled the trigger in that same moment and the report joined the chorus of alarms to echo in his ears.

He thought he saw Lorne stumble just as the woman turned on him and snarled. She brought the gun up again, this time aimed right at Radek himself. Radek squeezed his eyes shut.

There was another shot and Radek waited for the impact. He held his breath waiting to hit the floor, to feel his life bleeding away.

It didn't happen. Instead he felt fingers on his arms, biting in painfully on his good shoulder.

"Radek?" a voice asked.

He opened his eyes to find Lorne standing there in front of him. He looked beyond Lorne's worried countenance to see the nurse on the floor. She was moaning, fingers clamped to her leg, blood welling up between them. She stared up at him hatefully. Ronon stood beside her his weapon trained on her. From the look of him, he was hoping she'd twitch just once and give him an excuse.

"She was..." he flapped his good hand towards the pods. Carson was there now, getting them open; a medical team surrounding both men, blocking them from Radek's sight.

"We know," Lorne said. His hand on Radek's arm was all that kept him upright. "She was working for the Trust. Are you alright?"

Radek wanted the week to be over. He wanted to be in his own bed with Lorne warm and safe beside him. He shook his head. "I do not think so," he said as he tipped forward. He felt Lorne's arms close around him as he fell into the warm, welcoming darkness.


	23. A Prayer before I sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

John was surprised and gratified when he found himself back on the beach, the sun high overhead. He'd been almost certain that he was dead when he'd lost consciousness. He'd been almost certain they'd both been dead.

But now he wasn't dead and he and Rodney had their whole lives ahead of them. Now that he'd told Rodney the truth about how he felt, he felt light and free. He couldn't wait to see Rodney again. They had a lot to talk about (not that they'd actually talk about anything meaningful, they *were* guys after all. But that didn't matter; they'd already said the words that mattered.).

He looked around impatiently, anxious for Rodney to join him. Somewhere in the back of his brain there was still a longing for Grace, but it was easy to push aside in his eagerness to see Rodney.

Time passed and Rodney didn't appear and John began to worry. He bounced uneasily in the sand, watching the waves rush to shore and then roll back again. Trying to find something to do to make time pass more quickly, he scouted around in the sand and made a small pile of suitable stones. He spent some time skipping them across the water, but he quickly grew bored with that.

He walked down the beach thinking that maybe Rodney had shown up somewhere else. Then he went back where he had been because Rodney would come looking for him there, where he had found John before.

The sun was going down and John shivered as the shadows lengthened around him. He imagined he could hear the hiss of sun meeting the water as the sun sank in the horizon. It seemed to fall into the sea that stretched as far as the eye could see.

Stubbornly he refused consider the thought that Rodney was dead. He'd worked too damned hard to save him to have Rodney die now. There was no way Rodney could be dead, he was a force of nature that survived crashed puddle jumpers and sinking to the bottom of the sea.

If Rodney could come back, he would, John reasoned to himself.

"Come on, McKay," he said to the sand and the sea because there was no one else for him to talk to.

There had been a time in John's life when he didn't mind being alone, in fact he had liked it. There was no one to depend on him, no one who had expectations of him. Then he'd met Rodney McKay and everything had changed. It hadn't been a slow change either. Rodney had the force of a hurricane on a good day. He'd sweet talked (in the Rodney McKay way that really meant bullied) John until he'd agreed to join the Atlantis expedition. In part it was self-defense because he suspected that Rodney might have had him sedated and shipped over in a crate if he'd said no.

At first he hadn't noticed the way that Rodney slipped past his defenses, expecting Sheppard to be at his beck and call practically 24/7. John really hadn't minded. It had been fun discovering all the cool things that Atlantis had to offer. And it was a new experience to be somewhere where he was actually wanted and needed. Rodney's face would light up whenever John would come into the lab. Sure it was because Rodney had some new Ancient gadget or doodad that he wanted John to touch. But John could fool himself, just a little, that Rodney was glad to see him.

When Rodney had come to him with the shield device and wanted John to shoot him, John had been swept up in his enthusiasm. He remembered pushing Rodney over the rail in the control room and grinned. While Weir had been aghast, Rodney had just bounced to his feet with a 'let's do it again' grin plastered on his face. John had known then that he was lost.

Really, he should have realized that it was useless to try to fight his attraction to Rodney, but the habits of years were too ingrained in him. He had grown too used to never getting what he wanted, and he had never expected that Rodney would want him back. Now he just sat and waited so he could say all the things to Rodney that he had wanted to say for two years now and hadn't because he was a damn fool.

He sat, staring out over the water, thinking about what he'd say – _I love you, I need you._

What Rodney might say – _You're an idiot and you have stupid hair._

But then Rodney would push him down and they'd make out like teenagers, kissing in the sand. John really wanted to kiss Rodney again. He wanted to do other things, too. But mostly he just wanted to hold Rodney close and fall asleep wrapped up in Rodney.

And still the hours passed and John was alone. Too many hours passed. He began to think that maybe Rodney couldn't come back.

As the moon began its journey across the sky, he began trying to figure out what he was going to do if Rodney McKay really was dead.

At last the moon was high in a sky dense with starts. It was as romantic a setting as anyone could want, but John was alone.

He sat on the sand staring blankly out at the waves trying not to think, not to remember the too brief feel of Rodney's lips against his, the press of Rodney's body against his own. It hurt too much. It hurt even more than the ache of not knowing what had happened to Grace, of wanting to jump up and look for her because he knew now that he was never going to find her again.

Rodney had said that she was dead.

And now Rodney was...

He couldn't even think it.

His life stretched out ahead of him like the sand and the water. Empty and flat without Rodney.


	24. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Evan settled into the chair next to Radek's bed with a weary sigh. It was dim in the pod room with the reassuring beeps and hisses of machinery assuring him that all was well. He stretched out his legs in the chair, trying to make himself comfortable wondering if Radek would be waking up any time soon. It didn't matter how long it took, though, Lorne was determined to be there when he woke up.

It wasn't really necessary that he sit there, Radek wouldn't wake up alone. Carson had set up a bed for Radek in the corner of the pod room so all of his patients would be together in one place. Then, in a determined effort to make sure that nothing more happened to those patients, Carson had scheduled constant round-the-clock monitoring of the pods with someone always in the room.

Lorne had to smile. It would have made Sheppard crazy to know that there was always someone hovering over him while he was unconscious. At the current moment it was Carson himself fussing at the pods taking readings and keeping an eye on the colonel and McKay. Ronon and Teyla took turns keeping watch, too.

No one wanted to leave any of them alone. Too much had happened over the last few days for them to feel really secure. It was like when his house was burglarized when he was a kid. It was weeks before anyone in his family had felt safe there again.

There was a sense of palpable outrage from the medical staff that one of their own had been involved in the plot to kill Rodney McKay. It wasn't like none of them had ever *thought* about it before. But for one of them to actually follow through, it was a betrayal that struck at their heart.

Lorne and Ronon had questioned Nurse Valerie until they were both sure that she was the last threat against McKay. They were reasonably certain (barring a Wraith attack or another Genii invasion) that they had neutralized the last remaining threat to Rodney's safety.

Rodney himself had been very vocal on the subject once he'd been aware enough to speak. Which Lorne thought was a tactical error on Carson's part. Once they had him stabilized, he should have kept the man sedated until they put him back in the pod.

_"A nurse tried to kill me?" Rodney glared at all and sundry, even Teyla and Ronon hadn't escaped his look of death. "I knew it!" He pulled away as Carson tried to take his vitals. "Don't touch me. How do I know you're not in on it, too?"_

"Rodney, you know better than that," Carson scolded him.

Then he yelled at Rodney for putting himself into the pod without consulting his doctor first.

*Then* Carson shoved him back into the pod as fast as he could.

For himself, Evan didn't think he could be put in one of those things. They looked way too much like coffins. He shuddered just thinking about it.

He turned back to Radek who was sleeping the sleep of the deeply medicated. Evan leaned in and smoothed the blankets, tucking them in a little tighter around Radek's body. He'd come so close to losing Radek before he'd really gotten a chance to know him. And he was really looking forward to getting to know the Czech scientist better.

The kiss that hadn't happened in the jumper still teased at him. He wanted to kiss Radek until they were both dizzy and couldn't breathe: slow and sensual, then deep and wet and dirty. He wanted to undress Radek slowly – unwrap him like a present and see him naked. He wanted to lick him everywhere and ...

Abruptly realizing that his train of thought wasn't really conducive to quiet infirmary contemplation, Lorne shifted uneasily in his chair trying to will down the erection that was beginning to press painfully against his BDUs.

Okay, it was time to think about other things.

A quick glance around the pod room at the still forms of McKay and Sheppard was pretty much enough to deal with his arousal. They had come so close to losing both men yet again. Lorne shuddered thinking about the hours after the latest attack when both McKay and Sheppard had stopped breathing. It had only taken a few minutes after they were removed from the pod for them to begin to breathe on their own again. But it took hours to stabilize them to the point where Carson felt safe enough to try to put Sheppard in another pod after one of McKay's staff had assured them it was safe. After Rodney woke up, he'd insisted that he be allowed to go back into the virtual reality. And Carson had agreed, surprisingly enough (but only after yelling at him first for being a fool). He said that was the only bloody way he was going to get Rodney to rest and recuperate.

Lorne grinned and picked up the sketch book he'd brought with him, leafing through the pages. It was filled with images of Atlantis: a jumper in flight skimming over the water, the gate, the stained glass in the control room with the morning sun shining through, faces of the people he worked with. He turned to a fresh page and pulled out one of the pencils he always kept handy. He wanted to sketch Radek while he slept and try to capture the innocence of the man as he slumbered.

With quick, deft strokes of his pencil, Radek emerged on his paper. Time blurred and passed as Lorne worked on capturing the curve of Radek's cheek, the way his hair curled a little against his neck, the lips that teased at Lorne. He was so intent on what he was doing that he was surprised to look up and find Radek's blue eyes open and watching him intently.

"Evan?" Radek blinked sleepily. He shifted in the bed and winced when his body protested.

"Hey," Evan said quietly, leaning in. A surreptitious glance around told him that Carson was busy with the pods and wasn't paying any attention to them. He allowed his fingers to brush Radek's, careful of the IV on the back of his hand.

"Are you alright?" the other man asked, peering around the room through sleepy eyes.

Lorne huffed a little laugh. "I'm fine. How are you?" He gave Radek's fingers a squeeze before he reluctantly let go and settled back into his chair.

Radek seemed to give his current condition serious thought before he answered, "I have been better," he pronounced at last.

"Tell me about it," Lorne agreed taking in Radek's condition. His arm was casted from elbow to fingertips, he wasn't going to be typing with that hand for a while. There was an IV that snaked from the back of his good hand to a bag hanging over his head. His color was better though, and his hair was sticking up in little whisps that Lorne found endearing.

When Radek squinted across the room trying to see what had happened to McKay and Sheppard Evan picked up his glasses from the bedside table where they'd been put out of the way for safe-keeping. He slipped them onto Radek's face letting his fingers linger for a moment longer than necessary on Radek's cheek. The scientist smiled at him sleepily as he turned into the touch.

"What are you doing?" Radek's eyes moved curiously to the sketch pad in Evan's hand.

Lorne didn't normally show his sketches until they had been transferred to canvas, but Radek was the model. It was only fair that he get to see. He flipped the book around so Radek could see what he'd been doing.

His eyes widened. "Oh," was all he said. But he was pleased by the sketch, Lorne could tell.

Lorne shrugged, "It's not really done yet."

Carson's cough startled them both and Lorne sat back, casually flipping the sketch pad closed, attempting to project an air of innocence.

"Well, I see you're feeling better, lad," Carson commented with a raised brow.

Lorne regarded the doctor with his best inscrutable look, one he modeled after Sheppard's.

"Not really." Radek struggled to sit up.

Carson adjusted the bed so he was in a more vertical position and put another pillow behind his head.

"What happened?" Radek asked once he was sitting somewhat upright although he had an alarming tendency to list to one side.

"We've had quite a bit of excitement," Carson said. "Frankly I'm ready for a quiet day or two."

Nodding, Lorne heartily agreed with that sentiment.

"How is Rodney and colonel?" Radek clarified his question with a nod in the direction of their pods.

Carson rocked back and hesitated long enough that Radek shot a worried glance to Lorne.

"They are not...?"

The last thing that Radek knew their pods had been badly comprised. He'd been unconscious since he'd passed out in Lorne's arms.

"No," Carson rushed to reassure him, "the colonel is still in bad shape, nearly being suffocated in that pod did nae do him any good, but he's holding his own right now. Rodney is fine. It seems that nothing can kill him, although my nurse certainly tried." Carson's mouth thinned into an angry slash at her mention.

"She worked for the Trust," Radek told them anxiously.

"Yeah, we know," Lorne said, "You told us. Just before you know..." he waved a hand at Radek and his current condition. "You worried the hell out of us, by the way.

A small smile hovered at the edges of Radek's mouth. "I will try not to do it again."

"See that you don't," Lorne admonished him. "You know how Dr. Weir gets when she's worried." Radek smiled shyly and their eyes met. They shared the moment before Carson's cough reminded them of his presence. Lorne shifted in his chair and looked down at his sketch pad picking at the edge of the cover, "Anyway, we've questioned her pretty thoroughly and she insists she was working alone."

"What about Dr. Costas?" Radek asked. His brow creased as he tried to remember just exactly what had happened. "The nurse, she said something that he was working for her?"

Lorne nodded, "From what we've been able to put together, it seems that the nurse, Valerie Shae is her name by the way, 'encouraged' Dr. Costas in his ambition to be chief science officer. She was pretty much the master mind behind the whole thing."

"She stole the Irratus bug serum out of the lab," Carson burst out, offended to his core by such a betrayal from one of his own people. "And she was responsible for everything that happened after that."

Radek looked at Lorne for confirmation.

He nodded again. "Yeah, she placed the call that pulled the doctor out of the infirmary that first night McKay was in the infirmary and turned off all the equipment so that it wouldn't alert anyone when Rodney coded. Then she told the marines guarding Sheppard's room that *I* had approved them leaving their posts to go help in the gateroom. I don't know what exactly she was planning that time but Rodney woke up and let Sheppard loose, that probably foiled whatever she had planned that time. When McKay made you help him with the pods she saw her chance again. I'm just sorry I didn't get there sooner." Lorne's eyes fell to the cast on Radek's arm.

"You got there in time to stop her. That is all that matters." Radek relaxed back against the pillows. Their talk had already sapped most of his strength; his eyes closed against his will. He forced opened them again, focusing on Lorne. "She was only other Trust Operative here on Atlantis?"

Lorne shifted again, "We've talked to the SGC and they think so. Trust operatives tend to work alone or in teams of two to limit their exposure."

"Think?" Radek asked, twisting the blanket in his fingers.

"We're pretty sure," Lorne said. He tried to sound reassuring, but he shared Radek's worry. Where there were two, there could be more.

Lorne leaned in and dropped his voice, even though they were the only three people in the room, at the only three conscious people in the room. "I've started a quiet background check into everyone here on Atlantis. I know that was done by the SGC before any of our people could come here, but..." he shrugged. It hadn't stopped Nurse Valerie from making it to Atlantis. How many more people did they have on Atlantis working for the Trust? It really pissed Lorne off that the Trust could make him suspicious of people that their lives depended on every day.

If the frown on his face was any indication, Radek was still troubled, but he didn't say anything more, he just nodded. "What will happen to her? The nurse?"

"Oh, she's in a holding cell on the Daedalus. She'll be going back to Earth when they return." Lorne was just as glad to get rid of her. There had been angry rumbling around Atlantis from people who wanted justice for Rodney McKay. It didn't surprise Lorne all that much that people were upset by the attack on Rodney. Rodney *was* loud and rude and arrogant, but he was also absurdly brave sometimes. The people in Atlantis knew who kept them alive most days. And they were justifiably upset by the attack on his person.

Radek's eyes widened in surprise. "Daedalus is here?"

Lorne grimaced. "Oh, yeah, they got here *after* everything was all over but the shouting. Caldwell's pretty much taken over as the military commander with the colonel out of commission."

"How long have I been unconscious?" Radek regarded the two men with wide startled eyes.

Lorne considered the question. "Let's see," he held up a finger, "long enough for Ronon and me to question Nurse Valerie." He held up another finger, "I wrapped up my report for the SGC and," a third finger joined the other two, "got some rest." He tipped his head in the doctor's direction, "Carson wouldn't let me back in here until after I'd slept."

Lorne was still a little pissed at Carson at that and shot him a sour glance. Carson met his eyes steadily. Lorne could see that he'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was one of the things that Lorne admired the most about Carson, how ferociously he cared about the people in his care, even the ones that weren't technically injured. Lorne had already been pretty worn out by the time he'd arrived to find the door to the pod room locked with Radek, McKay and Sheppard on the other side.

_Once he found the messages on Costas' email to Nurse Valeria Shea indicating that they were lovers it hadn't taken Lorne long to find out that she was connected in some way with every one of the attempts on Rodney's life. When he contacted Carson and found out that she was assigned to duty in the pod room he felt his blood run cold._

Lorne raced to the pod room only to find the door locked and not responding to his urgent demands to open.

"We've got to get that door open," he said, grim determination coloring his voice.

He had a full company of marines with him along with Teyla, Ronon, Carson and his medical team, and one of Rodney's people. The little woman... Miko? They all stood in a useless huddle outside the door listening to the shrill alarms going off inside the room.

"Let me, sir." One of the marines stepped forward and did something complicated with the crystals in the door and it slid open a fraction. Not enough for anyone to get through, but it was a beginning.

The marine flushed a little when all eyes turned to him in amazement. "Just something I saw Dr. McKay do once," he said shyly. Miko nodded her approval.

"Alright, we've got to get in there," Lorne said. "Ronon, can you get the door open now?"

"We can't go through that door," Ronon growled down at Lorne. "Whoever's in there is waiting for us," he pointed out. "It'd be like we had targets on us if we go through that door." Sheppard always said that Lorne didn't pull any punches.

"What do you suggest?" Lorne asked. Their people didn't have time for this, but Ronon was right. Whoever went through the door was going to be a sitting duck.

Miko stepped forward, her shy quiet voice rising above the sound of the alarms, "There is another way into the room," she announced.

"Yeah? Tell me," Lorne said brusquely.

She pointed down the hall, "There is crawl space we have to use sometime to make repairs. I know about this one because there was no power in pod room when we first found it. We had to trace the power lines and find out what the problem was. It's big enough that you could get through," she added at Lorne's obviously skeptical look.

Lorne made up his mind fast, it was the best they had. "Alright, I'll go with Miko and we'll enter that way. Give us a minute to get into place. I'll give you two clicks on the radio when I'm ready to go in. You get the door open, maybe draw Nurse Shea's attention that way."

Beckett caught his arm as he turned to follow Miko down the hall, "Be careful," he said. "I don't need any more patients today."

:I'll be careful, Doc," Lorne assured him, "I just can't guarantee that your nurse doesn't have other ideas." Then he hurried to follow Miko.

She had been correct; the panel was only a few steps away. She had it off and they were inside the crawl space inside of seconds. The space was dim and dark. There was enough room so he could sit back on his knees, but they didn't dare risk a light that might be seen by the anyone in the pod room so he crawled along close behind the scientist, willing Radek and Rodney and the colonel to be alive, to be alright. They made their way quickly to the panel inside the room. It was a decorative grill kind of thing. Lorne could see through it enough to tell that Radek was alive and standing. Of Rodney there was no sign.

Miko made quick work of getting the grill unfastened. He felt her nod when it was ready more than saw it in the dimness of the passage as they huddled close together. He pressed his mouth to her ear.

"Stay here," he instructed her.

She nodded and her hair tickled his ear.

He clicked the radio twice. He took a deep breath and gave it a ten count before he kicked the screen away and exploded into the pod room.

The first thing he faced was the nurse, her weapon trained on him, her finger tightening on the trigger. Movement caught his eye and Radek rushed forward to push her arm up. The gun went off then, but the bullet went wildly astray never going anywhere near Lorne.

In her fury at having her plan foiled, the nurse turned on Radek then. She brought her weapon up and to bear on the scientist. Lorne didn't even hesitate as he pulled the trigger on his own 9 mil. He watched her go down with satisfaction.

He moved to Radek, to squeeze his shoulder and just feel relief that he was alive.

They'd all been surprised to find Rodney *in* the pod next to Sheppard's. And maybe that was the best thing because the nurse hadn't been able to shoot him outright that way.

When it was all over Lorne had pretty much been out on his feet, but he didn't want to leave. Moving on nothing but adrenaline, he'd refused to leave the infirmary while his friends where there.

Elizabeth had insisted he needed to rest and Carson had made it an order, ejecting Lorne bodily.

"Don't come back until you've slept and showered and eaten something, Major," he said. "Really Radek will thank me for it."

"That long?" Radek said amazement in his voice.

"That long." Carson answered. "Now, I want you to lay back and..."

Instead of resting as instructed, Radek pushed himself up with his good arm. "When can I leave? Without Rodney in lab, I am sure I am needed there..."

Carson pressed him back, frowning down at him, "You're going to be here another day or two at least. Don't fight me on that or I'll make it a week," he added when Radek continued to try to get out of the bed.

"Hey, Doc," Lorne leaned in and rested a hand gently on Radek's chest, "just get better okay? Nothing's blown up and we haven't sunk back to the bottom of the ocean yet. I think the city can manage another day or two without you. You have to get your strength back, remember?" Lorne's smile was a promise and Radek fell back against the pillows.

"That's some bed side manner you've got there, Major," was Carson's comment. "You'll have to tell me how to do that someday," he teased.

Lorne felt the blush staining his cheeks. Dammit, he never blushed. "I've got to uhm... go." He stood. "You get some rest, okay, Doc?"

Radek nodded with a small pleased smile.

Carson chuckled as he went about checking Radek's vitals.

Picking up his sketchpad, Lorne nodded to Beckett and made a hasty retreat before the doctor could out them both.


	25. A matter of life and death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning where Grace Under Pressure ends, John tries to come to terms with his feelings for Rodney amidst sabotage, attempted murder and altered states of mind. It's just another ordinary day in the Pegasus Galaxy.

This time when Rodney opened his eyes, he wasn't surprised to find himself on a beach. He was surprised, however, to find that it was the middle of the night. The moon was high overhead and stars filled the sky. There was a quiet _shush shush_ as the waves rolled in over the sand and then rushed back out to sea again.

He was pleased to find John sitting there, staring out at the water. As far as Rodney could see there was nothing of any interest out there. It was dark, there was water, but you could never tell with Sheppard. He found things like football and Ferris wheels fascinating, so maybe there was something in the quiet sound of the waves in the moonlight that inspired him.

Rodney approached him cautiously, unsure of what he was going to find. John had remained unconscious the entire time he'd been out of the pod while Carson and the medical team had worked on him. Would he even remember Rodney's previous visit? He really didn't want to go through the whole thing again, especially not the part in the jumper. Then he remembered the kiss at the end and okay maybe that part hadn't been so bad.

"John?" He sat down next to Sheppard in the sand wishing he'd thought to bring a blanket to sit on.

John turned to look at him. It was dark and Rodney couldn't read the expression in his eyes.

"Rodney?" His voice was quiet and uncertain. He started to reach out, but then his hand fell back to his lap. "Is it you?

Not having any idea what John meant, Rodney answered, "You were expecting a tall blonde?" He bumped his shoulder against John's.

"That would be who you were expecting, McKay," John told him. But it must have been the right answer because he nodded. "What took you so long?"

"I'd have been back sooner except Carson had to give me this whole lecture about not fooling around with equipment I know nothing about which is just such a lie because I know so much more about Ancient equipment..." his rant against Carson and his unreasonable attitude trailed off when John reached out to wrap his fingers around Rodney's arm, squeezing just a little.

"I thought you were dead," he said.

"I thought *we* were both dead," Rodney shuddered. Waking up in that pod unable to breathe had been about the scariest moment in his life. Almost as bad as being in a wraith hive. He hadn't even known about the danger to John until it was past. He'd insisted that Carson let him return to make sure John was okay. It had surprised him when Carson had agreed. But not before lecturing him for an hour on the dangers of Ancient technology. Like Rodney hadn't written that book.

"Would you believe there was this crazy nurse who was working for the Trust and she wanted to kill me because I wouldn't let her smuggle any of our Ancient artifacts out of Atlantis?" He snorted. "As if I would let the Trust get their hands on anything we have here. They'd blow themselves and probably the whole planet up if they could just find someone with the gene..." he trailed off as he realized that John really wasn't listening. "What's wrong?"

John huffed a little and dug his toes into the sand. His hand dropped away, maybe satisfied that Rodney was alive. "I let myself get sucked in by an Ancient ship siren and you almost died because I wasn't there to do my job." He was suddenly fascinated with the sand, shoving it into a pile and then smoothing it out again.

Rodney rolled his eyes even though it was wasted in the darkness, but he radiated his disdain. "First of all, you didn't *do* anything to get sucked in. The first person with the gene who picked that interface up that the ship judged would make a good pilot was going to get sucked in. The whole system was designed that way. Kind of a like a Venus Fly Trap, but for pilots. And I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself."

John didn't say anything to that. He just cocked his head sideways at Rodney and raised one eyebrow in that smirky way he had.

"Oh, fine," Rodney rolled his eyes in capitulation, "maybe I do need you to protect me. Sometimes. In highly specialized cases involving natives with spears and nurses with sadistic natures. But..." he held up a hand when Sheppard opened his mouth again, "you did not fail me or in any other way let me down. In fact it maybe... might... have been the other way around." Rodney felt hot and cold at the same time when he thought about how close they'd... he'd come to losing Sheppard this time.

John shook his head, as a puzzled frown creased his brow, "And how did you fail me?"

Rodney waved an agitated hand in the air, "In the infirmary when I let you go. If you died, it would have been my fault," he insisted.

John shook his head, fondly, Rodney thought, "You thought you were helping me."

Rodney crossed his arms and stared at John mulishly. John was not letting him off that easily, "I should have taken a step back and asked Carson why he'd do something like that before I just let you go."

"You had a concussion, Rodney. And you thought you were helping me. Besides I hit you. Right here as I recall." John's fingers brushed Rodney's jaw in a gentle caress.

It took the steam right out of Rodney's righteous indignation when John leaned in and kissed him on his jaw, his lips lingering there, pressing little kisses into Rodney's skin.

Rodney let a little surprised moan escape before he tilted his head back to give John better access. He felt John smile into his skin before he licked along Rodney's jaw and kissed his way over to Rodney's mouth. He pulled away before he got there.

"I thought you were dead," he said before his mouth descended onto Rodney's lips. Sheppard pressed him backward and Rodney went willingly, refusing to think about what might be in the sand under him.

Rodney had a whole VR fantasy involving Sheppard where they didn't need any lube and their clothes would magically disappear. So he was dismayed to find out that they had to get rid of their clothes the hard way, breaking away from one another in order to drag shirts over their head or to pull pants off.

What was the use of being in a VR if they actually had to get up to take their clothes off? But when Sheppard growled in a completely sexy way, "You need to be naked now," Rodney allowed himself to be pulled up so he could comply.

Rodney panted harshly as he scrabbled at his clothes, pulling the shirt off over his head and tossing it aside. Then he fumbled with the string in the pants. One good tug and the string was untied, the pants pooling around his ankles. And he found out the really good thing about being barefoot: he wasn't sure he had the dexterity at the moment to untie anything, or the brain cells to figure out something as complex as laces.

But it was worth it when they were both naked and John was staring at him like he'd never seen him before. Rodney had to admit that being dressed in nothing but moonlight was a really good for John. He resembled nothing more than a statue of a Greek god that was carved from marble from his chest to his flat stomach to his cock. He was hard already, his cock standing out proudly, just begging for Rodney's touch.

John took a step in and wrapped himself around Rodney, holding him. Rodney liked the holding and the pressing together of the bodies, but he was only human.

"John," he moaned as he mouthed along the curve of John's ear.

His words galvanized Sheppard to action, because he sank to his knees pulling Rodney with him. But when he pushed backwards, Rodney balked.

"But I'm naked now," he protested.

John just smirked at him and kissed him again until Rodney was mindless with _need_ and _want_ and _oh god, John._ Then he pushed Rodney backwards into the sand which was really not nice at all, but he was past caring at that point because _oh god, John._ Besides Sheppard was pressing down on top of him. He had a John Sheppard blanket and they were touching in all the right places.

For the longest moment John just lay there breathing hard, staring down at Rodney. His eyes were dark and hungry with a need to answer Rodney's own. It took Rodney's breath away to see the pain in Sheppard's eyes.

"I thought you were dead," he breathed out again before leaning in to kiss Rodney. He kissed as if Rodney was life itself and John was drinking him in.

He might not be good with interpersonal relationships, but John had said that about a half a dozen times now. Obviously, it was something they needed to talk about. But it could wait Rodney decided as John licked into his mouth. When he started to thrust against Rodney, their groins rubbed together in all the right places. Rodney began to thrust, too, his hips joining in the rhythm that John set.

It was all happening too fast though, faster than Rodney wanted. He wanted it to go slow. He wanted to be able to touch and taste and have Sheppard under him. He wanted to find out what made Sheppard moan and shake and beg. But this wasn't for him, he realized. This was for John. For whatever reason he had thought Rodney was dead. He needed this to find out for himself that Rodney was still very much alive. And it wasn't like it was a hardship to let John Sheppard make love to him.

John kissed his way down Rodney's body stopping to run a tongue over Rodney's nipple. Rodney couldn't bite back the moan, even if he had wanted to. He arched up, needing more. John grinned up at him and licked the other nipple before moving on.

"Sheppard," Rodney whined out. "God, please," and he didn't even really know what he wanted.

John must have known though. He reached between them and took both of their cocks in his hand, and, really, Rodney's cock rubbing up against John's was about the best thing in the world. The pleasure was running all through his body now, he was practically drunk with it.

John started to jerk them off, his hand making long, slow strokes down with a swipe of his thumb over the head and then back up again. Rodney forgot how to breathe. All he could do was feel as Sheppard stroked them both together, leaning down to lick into Rodney's mouth. Rodney whined and moaned under him, thrusting up, trying to get more, faster, because he was going to break into a thousand pieces if he didn't get to come right now.

"Rodney," John said his name like a prayer.

Rodney forced his eyes open to find John staring down at him intently, watching as Rodney moaned and writhed beneath him. And Rodney could tell that he liked what he saw. It was that look that tipped Rodney over the edge. He shuddered and shook as his release took him. With Rodney's come all over him, John followed, gasping Rodney's name.

"I thought you were dead, you know," John said again afterward as they lay in the sand. And it was really wrong to be sticky and naked in the sand. He had sand in places that you weren't supposed to have sand. But Sheppard was pressed up against him, and Rodney wouldn't have moved if all the wraith in the Pegasus Galaxy were chasing them.

"You said that." He pressed a kiss to John's shoulder. "But as you can clearly see, I'm not. Tell me again why we haven't been doing this all along?" he asked curiously.

John went still and Rodney thought he might have asked the wrong question. John sighed and turned onto his back, taking Rodney with him so that Rodney was draped over him.

"You know all the reasons, McKay," John let his hand slide down Rodney's back, gently caressing. "Military. Team dynamics. Didn't want to mess up our friendship. You choose."

Rodney pressed open mouthed kisses wherever he could, licking at John's sweaty, sandy chest. It should have been gross, but it wasn't. "And so why did we do it this time?"

"There are just some things you can't fight, McKay." He paused and Rodney could feel the beat of Sheppard's heart against his chest, "I thought you were dead and I'd never..." He traced Rodney's mouth with a finger, "I decided that if I got you back, I wouldn't waste the opportunity."

Rodney heartily approved of that sentiment and he intended to show John just how much. But not in the sand.

"Up, up, up," he ordered brusquely. He clambered to his feet and made John get up, too.

"McKay, there's nowhere to go," John insisted as Rodney pulled him along behind him.

"That just goes to show what you know, Mr. I-have-the-Ancient-Gene-so-the-VR-rolls-over-for-me. Well, it just so happens that I know how to *program* things into a VR."

They rounded a corner of the beach to discover a small cove. There was a curved inlet where the sea gently lapped at the white sand. There were trees that lined the shore, and tucked under those trees was a small hut with a thatched roof.

"Cool," John said with a smile to Rodney.

Rodney tugged him impatiently. "There's an honest-to-god bed inside. I refuse to see why we have to be uncomfortable even if this is your idea of paradise." He took a few steps toward the hut and then turned to frown at John who wasn't moving, his lips turned down disapprovingly. He snapped. "Are you coming?"

"Oh, I hope so," John said before he took two long steps and stood in front of Rodney. He took Rodney's face in his hands and leaned down to kiss him.

Rodney thought he could die of happiness right there. Not that he had any intentions of that, because there was a really big bed in the hut and also he'd programmed lube.

John kissed him until neither of them could breathe.

"Oh, no, you don't." Rodney tugged on John's arm, trying to draw him toward the hut. "There is no way we're doing this in the sand again. We have a bed, Sheppard."

"Yeah, okay," John said and followed him into the hut.

~~~~~

Radek watched Lorne walk away with a sense of anticipation that he hadn't known in a long time. Once Lorne disappeared through the door he turned to Carson. He found the doctor watching him with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

"What?" Radek asked innocently.

Carson just shook his head with a small smile lurking about his lips.

Despite the weariness that was pulling at him, Radek pushed himself up onto an elbow and peered across the room.

"Why is Rodney still in pod?" he asked anxiously.

"Oh, he's fine, the bloody fool," Carson answered, his tone turning icy. "I can't believe the two of you were actually fool enough to think it was a good idea to mess with the machines in here without me." He regarded Radek through narrowed eyes. "Then again, on second thought, I'm not surprised at all."

Radek knew they deserved the lecture. In hindsight, they should have waited for Carson. But, remembering Rodney's fear and desperation, he really didn't think he could have acted any differently either. "Rodney?" he repeated anxiously.

Carson sat on the edge of Radek's bed, relenting far enough to answer his question. "He insisted I let him go back into the virtual environment to check on John." He gave an exasperated sigh. "The truth is, it's the best way to keep him quiet enough to actually recuperate. He almost worked himself into a collapse between his own injuries and his worry for John. Don't tell him I said so though, because I'm still angry at the both of you."

His arm was shaking and Radek could feel the weariness dragging at him. He let himself fall back against the pillows. "Sheppard is really alright?" he whispered.

"As right as he can be," the doctor nodded. "I'll not lie to you; he's going to be here for a while. But I can see that his immune system is starting to do its work again and he's beginning to heal. I may be able to remove him from that pod in a week or so. Although he's a much better patient inside of there."

Radek nodded, relieved to hear it. He closed his eyes and yawned. He heard Carson chuckle and felt a gentle pat on his good arm.

"I'll just let you rest."

Radek forced his eyes open. "I really will be able to leave in a day or two?" he asked remembering Evan's warm smile and the promise he made with his eyes.

Carson's eyebrow lifted, "Behave yourself and I might see my way to letting you out tomorrow afternoon," he said.

Obediently Radek closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~~

Radek did his best to be the most cooperative patient Carson had ever had. It wasn't really all that hard. It wasn't like he didn't have incentive. Lorne would come by from time to time during the day to remind him.

"Just making my rounds," he would say as he'd smile down at Radek. And, yes, Radek wanted all the things that smile promised. So, he took his meds when instructed, he went to sleep when he was supposed to and never, never complained about boredom or wanting to get out. That way led to an extended stay and much frustration.

So, Carson made good on his promise and the next afternoon, Radek found himself shuffling down the hall with Lorne at his side, one hand tucked under his good elbow to help him maintain his balance.

Radek was sure that everyone had to know about them. Despite the fact that he was woozy and unsteady on his feet, he was so turned on by just having Lorne's hand on his elbow he could barely walk.

"So, Doc," Lorne said causally as they walked down the corridor, "you looking forward to getting back to work?" Lorne was doing his best impression of them as just two guys walking down the hall.

Radek nodded, "Perhaps not for a day or two I think. Carson told me to take it easy and rest. Besides," he looked around mischievously making sure they were the only ones in earshot, "I can work just as well from room and Carson will never know."

They reached the transporter. Lorne waved a hand to open it. Once they were inside, he hit the map to take them to the residential wing of the city.

"You are an evil genius, Doc," Lorne laughed. His thumb stroked the smooth skin on the underside of Radek's arm.

The doors closed and then reopened and they were outside Radek's quarters.

"Let me come in with you," Lorne said, all concern for an injured friend, "make sure you're settled."

"I will be fine," Radek insisted. But when the door opened, he let Lorne follow him in.

Once the door shut, Lorne groaned. "Shit, I've been wanting to do this for days."

Remembering to be careful of Radek's arm, he pressed Radek against the door they'd just walked through and kissed him.

It started slow and gentle, a getting-to-know-you kind of kiss. Slowly it heated when Radek felt a flick of Evan's tongue across his lips. He opened his mouth to the first tentative strokes of Lorne's tongue. Radek couldn't help it; he licked into Lorne's mouth, wanting to taste him, too.

Carefully Evan's hands skimmed up under Radek's t-shirt, finding a nipple and stroking it with a thumb until Radek was moaning into his kisses.

Lorne was panting harshly by the time he pulled away. Radek could feel the heat of his erection through his BDUs and he thrust with his hips just to hear Lorne curse harshly.

"Fuck, Radek, you keep that up, I'm going to come in my pants."

With a mischievous grin, Radek thrust again.

It was all so surreal, he couldn't believe he was there in his room with the second-in-command of the Atlantis expedition saying he was about to come in his pants.

"Jesus, Radek, I knew you could be a mean shit, but I didn't know you were cruel."

"Oh, I am evil genius," Radek assured him.

He maneuvered them so that Lorne was against the wall and then Radek sank to his knees. He had a bad moment when he realized there was no way he was getting Lorne's belt unfastened and his pants unbuttoned with only one hand, but Lorne quickly saw the problem. He reached down and slowly unfastened his belt. Then he slipped the buttons through the holes one by one. Radek leaned in and licked his knuckles, knibbling on the joints. Lorne trembled and pressed the heel of his hand against his groin.

"Radek," he moaned.

Radek really liked the way Lorne said his name, so he did the same thing again, rubbing his stubbly cheek against Lorne's hand, pushing Lorne's hand hard against his cock.

"Fuck," Lorne said again. His hand was trembling now as he finished unbuttoning his pants. He pushed his pants down taking his boxers with them. His cock sprang out. It was red and full and already dripping pre come at the tip.

Radek really wanted to take it slow, make Lorne swear and curse and pant out Radek's name, begging for release. But Radek knew he wasn't going to last long. He'd just taken his meds so, at the moment, he was feeling alright. The endorphins were helping, too. But all too soon he was going to crash. He wanted both of them in bed and horizontal when that happened. He leaned in and took Lorne's cock into his mouth, tongue swirling over the head.

There was a thump above him as Lorne's head hit the door.

Radek took Evan in as far as he could and then pulled back up, running his tongue along the underside of Lorne's cock. He felt Lorne's hand in his hair, just stroking, encouraging him on.

With his good hand, Radek stroked Lorne while he licked and sucked. In a gratifyingly short time, Lorne was gasping Radek's name and clutching at his shoulder, trying to push him away. Radek refused to go, swallowing down Evan's release, stroking him the entire time.

When he was done, Evan just kind of crumbled there against the wall, collapsing into a heap next to Radek. He pulled Radek against him and sucked kisses onto his neck while he recovered. Radek could feel his own need building up inside of him. It wasn't going to take much. Just listening to Lorne was almost enough to do it for him.

He pushed down the sweatpants that he'd worn from the infirmary and took his own cock in hand. After only a couple of strokes, Evan's hand closed around his, joining him. They worked together to bring Radek to completion. Then they leaned back against the wall, almost too tired to move.

Finally Evan stirred and pulled Radek to his feet. "Carson will kill me if I let you sleep on the floor," he said ruefully. He kissed Radek, chasing his own taste in Radek's mouth with his tongue.

Regretfully Radek pushed him away before they forgot themselves again. "Bed," he said.

"You have the best ideas," Evan said as they made it across the room somehow.

They curled up together on the too-small bed, Evan spooned in behind Radek. Evan was quiet for a long time after they were settled, but that was fine with Radek. He liked just having the man next to him, all warm and solid.

"Radek," Lorne said at last, his voice low and serious. "I'm not a guy who does casual."

"Casual?" Radek knew what it meant, but he wasn't sure he knew what Evan meant.

"You know, a fuck buddy. I'm not interested in that," he clarified quietly.

Maybe it was the drugs, but Radek found it amusing and laughed, "Is that not what we just did?"

"You are a smart ass, you know that, Doc?" Radek could hear the smile in Lorne's voice. "I just meant... I like you a lot, Radek."

"And I like you, too," Radek replied.

Lorne pinched him for that. "God, the only way this could be more fifteen-year- old girl is if we paint each other's nails later."

"I do not do manicures," Radek replied with dignity.

"Well, good, I'm glad to know your boundaries," Lorne said. He pushed himself in closer to Radek, tangling their legs and throwing an arm over his hip before he pulled the cover up over them.

Radek drifted off to sleep feeling safe for perhaps the first time since he'd walked through the worm hole to the Pegasus Galaxy.

~~~~~~

Time passed slowly for John inside the virtual reality. Rodney spent as much time there as he could, but once he recovered they really did need him in the city.

"How am I doing?" John would ask as they lay curled up together in the big bed.

Rodney would give him a report on his condition, including Carson's estimation of how long he would need to remain in the pod.

"Is it really as bad as all that?" John asked one night.

Rodney rolled away from him and sat up. He didn't want to remember that first sight of John in the infirmary. There hadn't been one part of him that wasn't bruised or bloody.

He felt John sit up and move over behind him. An arm snaked around his waist and pulled Rodney in.

"Hey," John's breath was warm against his neck. "I'm sorry."

"You were dead, okay?" Rodney said, fingers curling into John's arm, pulling him closer. "They got you to the infirmary and you coded. I... I thought they weren't going to get you back, but Carson wouldn't give up."

"I'm here." John pulled Rodney back against him and laid his face against Rodney's back. "I'm alive."

"But for how long?" his voice was strangely bitter. "Oh sure, you survived this time," Rodney's bark of laughter carried no amusement. "You always have to save everyone else. I don't know what I'll do if you die," he confessed softly.

"You'd go on, McKay." John kissed him tenderly across his shoulders. Those shoulders that were so strong. He sometimes seemed to hold the weight of the world on those shoulders. Oh, not effortlessly and not selflessly and certainly not without complaint, but they had born the weight of the entire city so many times. "Because you have to. The city needs you, too."

Rodney twisted in his arms to face him. "What's going to happen when you're out of here?" he asked abruptly.

John went still thinking about it. The virtual reality was a time apart for them. There was no one to answer to, no rules or regulations. They'd been able to be themselves in ways they would never be able to in the real world. And yet John was looking forward to getting out of the pod. Once he had enjoyed solitude, but not any longer. Since coming to Atlantis the walls he had built around himself had begun to expand. Not crumble, but they had opened and allowed a few people inside. He missed them: Teyla and Ronon, Elizabeth and Lorne, Radek and even surprisingly Rodney. Their virtual reality wasn't *real.* He wanted Rodney in the real world.

He cupped Rodney's face with his hands. "We'll make it work," he promised before leaning in and kissing him. There was a hesitation, like Rodney was going to say more. John fell backwards into the bed, taking Rodney with him. John felt the moment Rodney gave in and relaxed against him. Oh, the conversation wasn't over. Rodney could be like a dog with a bone sometimes. They'd come back to it eventually. But for now they lost themselves in each other and pretended that the real world didn't exist.

~~~~~~~

John sat at the controls of the puddle jumper feeling like he'd finally come home. The little ship was whispering in his ear. It had missed him as much as he had missed it in the weeks of his recovery. He thought that if the ship had a tail, it would definitely be wagging it right now.

He ran his hands over the control panel, feeling the hum and the power of the ship. He had been afraid that it would be anti-climatic to take up a puddle jumper again after flying Grace. But as the addiction had left his system, so had the experiences. Now it was almost like a story someone else had told him. He could barely remember what it had been like. And all he felt now was eager anticipation to be in the air with the puddle jumper responding to his every thought.

Beside him, Rodney fidgeted, trying to patient. John bit back a smile. Patience wasn't something McKay was good at. But he was good at a whole lot of other things so it evened out in the end.

"You ready?" he asked Rodney.

"If you're done fondling the ship," Rodney answered back, his voice stilted and strange.

John stifled the laugh that threatened to spill out. It just felt so damned good to have his life back to normal. He'd spent way too much time in that VR. While he'd really enjoyed his time there with Rodney, too often he'd been alone. Once Rodney was recovered he'd been needed in the real world and couldn't spend all of his time with John in the VR. He'd brought John presents, programming in surf boards and skate boards and whatever he could think of to help alleviate the boredom for him. But then he'd made John swear not to go into the sea alone or take any stupid risks. They didn't think John could die in the VR, but they didn't want to take the chance.

"You jealous, McKay?" John asked with just a trace of amusement in his voice because a jealous Rodney made John feel warm all over. Of course, he had nothing to be jealous about. Given a choice over a puddle jumper and Rodney McKay, John would choose Rodney every time.

"Oh, right, sure, I'm jealous," Rodney sneered, his chin going up just the way John knew it would. "Like I have anything to be jealous of," he declared in a snide tone that said he wasn't really sure.

"Exactly right," John allowed sliding a sideways glance at him.

And there was the gobsmacked look John loved, like McKay just couldn't believe that he had John Sheppard where he wanted him.

"Flight, this is jumper one," John toggled their radio just then so Rodney couldn't answer with other people listening in. "We are taking off now."

John could see Rodney glaring at him, but he ignored him.

"Roger that, jumper one," it was Elizabeth's voice answering him, "Have a good flight, John."

"We will, Elizabeth, thank you." John toggled the radio off.

He let himself concentrate on the controls and lifted the ship smoothly from the jumper bay floor, floating slowly up towards the iris in the roof. The sun poured in through the opening and soon the jumper had escaped into the nearly endless blue of the Atlantean sky. They flew in silence for a while. John skimmed over the waves; enjoying the feeling of freedom that flying always gave him.

"Are you trying to kill me again?" Rodney asked when they actually kissed the water, skipping across it like a stone.

"Come on, Rodney," John said lazily, "we know these are submersible now." He threw Rodney a grin filled with pure mischief. "You were kind of out of it for that. I could take the jumper down and show you."

Rodney's face abruptly lost all color, "Oh, god, no," he moaned. He clutched the edges of his seat as if he were afraid that Shephard really was going to dive beneath the surface.

John was afraid he was going to be ill.

"Hey, Rodney, no, I won't," he said quickly, pulling the jumper up until they were properly in the air and the water was just a blue wash beneath them.

Rodney gulped. "I'm sorry, I just... I dream about it sometimes..." He stared steadily out the forward view screen and he wouldn't meet John's eyes.

"Rodney," John said.

Instead of turning to John, Rodney bent over his computer and appeared to be completely engrossed in whatever was there.

"Rodney," he repeated, this time in his 'look at me, damn it' voice.

Reluctantly Rodney turned his gaze to meet John's.

"I'm sorry, okay?" John said softly, "I wasn't thinking. I was an idiot," he added for Rodney's benefit.

Rodney just gulped and turned back to the view screen. "No, no, I've got to get over it. It's not like we're never going to go back underwater in a puddle jumper again now that we know we can. It's just..." he paused and swallowed again. His fingers tapped nervously against the computer. "I dream sometimes that it was you down there and not Griffin." He darted a quick glance at John to judge his reaction maybe.

"But I wasn't," John reminded him.

"No," Rodney said slowly, thinking about it. "I don't know if I've said it. But thank you for rescuing me."

"Oh, you've said it," John assured him. "You may not know you said it, but you've said it."

"When?" Rodney asked, cocking his head to the side curiously.

"Remember that blow job last night? *That* was thanks enough." John laughed at the way Rodney blushed. Rodney was wild and uninhibited in their bed, but he tended to blush and stammer if John even mentioned it in the light of day. So, John did it whenever he safely could because Rodney blushing would never get old.

"Anyway," John added softly, "thank you for saving me from the evil Ancient ship. We're even."

"Even?" Rodney looked at him askance. "We are so not even. You only had to come to the bottom of the ocean for me. She was a bitch and I think she would have killed me if she could have."

John let the words wash over him. He had known that by coming to Atlantis he was getting a fresh start, leaving behind all the baggage he had on Earth. He'd never suspected that he would find the love of his life in Rodney McKay. And he had, it had just taken him two years and almost dying to realize that he was allowed to be happy, too.

"Hey, Flyboy," Rodney was frowning at him and John wondered what he had missed. "Are you even listening to me?"

"I always listen to you, McKay," John answered as he banked the ship around, aiming for the beach on the mainland.

"Oh, sure you do," Rodney groused crossing his arms and thrusting out his chin. "What did I just say then?"

"You said you were going to take me out on the sand and have your wicked way with me," John answered. He turned to Rodney and smiled at him. A smile that promised slow, lazy sex.

"I... I... uhm... that is..." Rodney stuttered.

"Yes, Rodney?" John asked innocently as he settled onto the patch of sand that his refuge had been patterned after. It seemed so much smaller in reality. Or maybe his world had just gotten bigger now that he had Rodney in it.

Rodney smiled back at him then. "That's exactly what I said."

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to my beta Chocolatephysicist. This story may never have been finished without her help and encouragement all along the way.


End file.
